Once again, Macalope is forced by the bad winds of chance that made him an Apple expert to participate in a survey on public opinion of Apple products, but this time at least there’s a twist.
Yes, Piper Sandler (formerly Piper Jaffray, formerly US Bancorp Piper Jaffray, formerly George B. Lane, Commercial Paper and Collateral Loans & Co. (no, seriously) is back with their “Taking Stock With Teens” survey, a collection of hot nonsense that may or may not have been performed by Steve Buscemi, we just don’t know.
Their results may surprise you. According to the company, teenagers like to know as The Pipe (maybe, who knows?), an amazing 87 percent of American teenagers now own an iPhone! Yes, you read that right: eight-seven percent.
Even if you read that right, it almost certainly is does not right. Macalope has no doubt that this is what Piper Sandler (THE PIPE!) found, but there is a problem with their research. First of all, Apple has previously been a client of Piper Sandler. Macalope would be skeptical of a report from a company that had Meta or Samsung or, I don’t know, Sauron as a customer, so it’s only fair to be skeptical of this. More importantly, however, Piper’s studies always tend to leave out low-income teenagers. Hey, financial markets tend to leave out low-income adults, so why shouldn’t surveys conducted by financial services companies leave out low-income teenagers? For consistency.
Seriously, they are already low income and you want to reject them in your survey? Macalope wanted to say that adds insult to injury, but then they got out of having to talk to whoever replaced Gene Munster.
The survey further claims that 31 percent of teens (read: the teens who matter to Piper Sandler) own an Apple Watch. It may also seem high, but to Macalope it says that there are some well-meaning parents who don’t love Tiffany and Trent as much as they claim to.
Macalope has little doubt that the iPhone and Watch are “hella” popular among teenagers, which teenagers definitely don’t say anymore these days. (But teenagers once said “hella,” and that’s what matters.) Just not quite as popular as Piper Sandler would have us believe. The high popularity of the iPhone among teenagers is kind of funny because it wasn’t that long ago that we were told that Apple was an older people’s brand and teenagers were all for Samsung and Microsoft Surface.
No, really, back in the early years of the previous decade there was a whole cottage industry established around telling us that Apple was over with teenagers. Teenagers said “Nuh-UH-uh!” for iPhones and iPads and get… [checks notes]… Surfaces. See, teenagers just love Excel.
Which brings us to a note to parents. Parents, more and more these days, children are experimenting with spreadsheets. Is your kids experimenting with spreadsheets? Here’s a handy primer on how to identify if your child is texting their friends about getting into spreadsheets.
WTF – Wow, the economic conditions! ICYMI – I calculate the annual lost income LOL – Looking over commitments FML – Formatting of multiple accounts
Talk to your children. Don’t let them get into a dangerous lifestyle.
Okay, is Apple bombarding teenagers? Definitely not. Do 9 out of 10 teenagers own an iPhone? Uh, doubtful. But is Apple fine with them? Yes. That much we can say.