SAUCY SECRETS: I finally slept with the man of my dreams. But then I stuffed up in the most embarrassing way ever. Do you think it’s over?

Dear Jana,

I’ve developed a very inappropriate crush and it’s a little embarrassing. I can’t help but find my father-in-law incredibly attractive! I have been suggesting visits to my husband’s family more frequently just to be close to him.

She has that charming George Clooney vibe that makes me feel like I’m the only woman who matters. Sometimes I even catch him looking in my direction and it drives me crazy.

Honestly, if I did anything, I think I would leave my husband, her son, in a heartbeat. I know this could totally ruin the family, but right now my hormones are completely out of whack. How can I get over this intense crush?

Anonymous

Oh girl,

You need to buy one of those cold baths and soak in it every day. This whole “hot under the collar” thing will land you in divorce court faster than you can get your panties off.

I admit that I understand your thirst for a sexy older gentleman. Last night I found myself Googling old Tom Selleck clips. OMG, that mustachioed man was one sexy DILF. So I get it, really.

But your father-in-law is not the one. Those cheeky looks you catch him giving you are just that: looks. Don’t act on it. I repeat, do not act on it.

Maybe your husband will age like a good George Clooney and only get better with time. He might end up looking just as sexy as your FIL, so I would suggest waiting and seeing where the cookie crumbles. While your father-in-law may eventually complain of hip problems, arthritis, and lack of bowel control, your current husband will age like a fine wine.

So I suggest you stop visiting your husband’s parents’ house, focus on your current marriage, and if you need to let off some steam, invest in a good vibrator.

Honestly, like all good crushes, this one will pass.

Dear Jana,

I finally had the chance to sleep with the man of my dreams and I think I took advantage of it.

We had the most amazing sex, but I had been holding in a fart all night and when I finally peaked, my intestines decided to do the same and I let out the biggest, stinkiest fart. The moment was ruined.

He jumped out of bed and threw the quilt up and down trying to ventilate the room because of my loud explosion and then told me he had an early meeting the next day and suggested I come home. I felt mortified full Uber ride home. I haven’t heard from him since.

Is there a way to make a joke and get that attraction back? I really like this guy and would love to get a second chance, but I’m afraid I’m doomed.

sarah

Dear Sara,

I’m going to be brutally honest with you: there is no going back. The ‘ick’ was called ‘ick’ for a reason: it provokes a physical reaction. This man jumping out of bed and vigorously ventilating his room means that the repulsion was real.

I know it’s ridiculous, because it’s a natural bodily function, but some people (I shamefully admit myself included) absolutely hate farting. The smell of someone else’s anus makes me nauseous just thinking about it. I’m sorry to say it, but it seems like this guy sees farts the same way.

At the end of the day, we’re all going to do something that makes someone sick. We might have awful mucus hanging out of our nose or food stuck between our teeth, and that will make our secret date go ‘eww.’

All we can do is dust ourselves off and move on to the next fish in the sea, hopefully one that finds this sort of thing fun. I have friends who fart on purpose in front of their partners for a laugh, so don’t get too discouraged.

Maybe you’ll run into him later in life, looking very attractive, and he’ll quickly forget about your foot incident. But for now I would leave him and find someone else to date.

The fact that you know he gets discouraged easily could be a blessing in disguise. In the beautiful words of Ariana Grande: ‘Thank you… next!’

Dear Jana,

I think I’m hooked on porn. Women are attractive and I don’t have to take anyone on expensive dates to get turned on. But lately I feel like I’m missing the real deal. Seeing my peers settle down and start families makes me think I should probably change my porn habits and start dating again.

I tried to cut back on smut, but I didn’t realize how addictive it is and how great it is to pass the time while living alone. I’m worried I’ll have to lower my standards, because let’s be honest, those girls in the videos are out of my league.

Any advice on how to kick this habit and get back in the game? I don’t want to be the guy who’s always alone on Saturday nights.

Help a boy.

Stephen

Steve, Steve, Steve,

Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone. I was recently listening to a podcast episode of ‘Diary of a CEO’, and hosts Steven Bartlett and James Smith openly talked about how their love of porn caused them to lose interest in sex with their partners. It’s a growing trend as pornography is so easily available at our fingertips thanks to smartphones.

Plus, since the cost of living makes it too expensive to splurge on dates, I can understand how a quick 5-minute clip can satisfy an urge faster than a few drinks and dinners with a potential love interest. But at the end of the day, don’t we all crave physical contact?

I’ll give you the advice that Steven and James recommend: abstain. Yes, quit porn cold turkey for a while and watch your interest in real women suddenly peak. Plus, you’ll be surprised to discover that women can tell when a man has a pornography habit.

The girls and I laughed about it the other night. A friend admitted that she can tell that her husband has been watching him before sleeping with him because it will take him forever to cum. We all agreed that we had experienced the same thing.

So delete your favorite porn sites from your search history. Find a distracting hobby to replace those X-rated viewing habits (may I suggest Wordle?) and get creative with some dating options that won’t cost you a lot of money. Maybe a picnic on a local beach with a bottle of wine and a cheese board, or a hike in a national park followed by coffee at a local coffee shop.

Oh, and as for having to lower your standards once you leave those hot porn women behind, let me remind you that it goes both ways. If you want to date an attractive woman, become an attractive guy. Take out that sexual frustration at the gym and you’ll soon find that those attractive women will suddenly be “in your league.”

So let go of that addiction and jump into the real world again. I promise you it can be just as exciting.