Today’s work life is full of ever-evolving challenges and pitfalls. When is it okay to date a coworker? Can you tell your team to return to the office five days a week? Whether you’re a bewildered Boomer, a confused millennial or a confused Gen Z-er, our brilliant columnist Nicola Horlick is here to help. She is using her experience in corporate life to guide you through the pitfalls and set you on the path to success.
Gossip in the office can be uncomfortable for colleagues (model photography)
Two of my senior colleagues have an affair that they have gone to great lengths to keep secret. But everyone seems to know: do people have some kind of sixth sense for these things?
There is a lot of talk about the couple because our company does not view labor issues favorably and may even demand disclosure. The complicating factor is that both parties are married.
I barely know the guy, but I’m friends with the woman. My boyfriend and I have socialized with her and her husband.
Should I mention that people are gossiping (and not always sympathetically) or stay out of it? If you think I should say something, how do I broach the topic without sounding critical, interfering, or even jealous? The guy is the most attractive man in the office, which might be why some of my coworkers seem so excited about this.
ADELE
I’ve experienced the unease of knowing that two colleagues are in an illicit relationship in an office environment, so I know how you feel.
The landscape has changed dramatically over the last 15 years as online dating has taken off, but a significant number of people still meet their partner at work.
Of course, many now work from home at least two days a week. And some employers have tried to ban office relationships, saying they undermine team spirit and distract from the task at hand, especially for small businesses.
I don’t think it’s right to try to prevent romances from arising at work. Those involved should be encouraged to be as discreet as possible and the evidence is that if a serious romance develops at work, one of the partners changes jobs and, in heterosexual relationships, it is often the woman.
YouGov published a survey in February 2020 about where people usually meet their partner. About 18 percent said they had met at the workplace, 18 percent had met through friends and 13 percent had met online or through a dating app.
So it is inevitable that we will find companions involved in a romance, and it may well be that one or both of them are married. I agree that it’s more uncomfortable for colleagues if the relationship is an illicit affair, but it’s hard to know what’s going on in someone else’s existing relationship.
Nicola Horlick has also experienced the unease of learning that two colleagues are having an illicit relationship in an office environment.
If you are failing, then it is hard to begrudge that person the chance to be happy. The cost of divorce is so high that many people remain married for financial reasons but live separate lives. I think it is wrong to ‘judge’ someone for having an extramarital relationship without knowing all the background.
From what you’ve said, this issue seems to be causing environmental disruption for you and your colleagues. Does your final boss know about this?
If not, I suggest you go and talk to him or her. It’s your job to deal with it. You said the organization frowned upon workplace romances and might even require disclosure. I’m not an expert in employment law, but I don’t think people can be forced to disclose that they are in a relationship unless there is a conflict of interest that could impact the business.
You asked if you should tell your colleague that everyone is talking about his affair. I think that would be a good idea since she may not be aware of the impact she is having on the organization as a whole.
However, if she is committed to the relationship and he is as handsome as you say, I doubt she would end the affair just because everyone is talking about it. Chances are she or her lover will decide to leave, which would at least calm things down for the rest of you.
If you decide to discuss it with her, you should still talk to your boss. Proper management of a company involves addressing delicate issues of this type.
