The waltzes are approaching.
After Minnesota Gov. Tim Schmaltz’s older brother, Jeff, announced on Facebook last week that he will be voting for Trump in November, another devastating family dirty bomb exploded on social media on Wednesday:
A photo of eight members of Tim Walz’s extended family wearing matching T-shirts that say “Nebraska Walz’s (sic) for Trump.”
That got the attack dogs’ tongues wagging.
If Timmy’s corn-fed flesh and blood is voting against him, they asked, shouldn’t we all?
Minnesota Gov. Tim Schmaltz’s older brother, Jeff (pictured with his wife Laurie), announced on Facebook last week that he will be voting for Trump in November.
A photo of eight members of Tim Walz’s extended family making faces while wearing matching T-shirts that say “Nebraska Walz’s (sic) for Trump.”
It turns out the Nebraska Walzes are descendants of Tim Walz’s grandfather’s brother, and the two branches of that gnarled tree have never grown together.
Still, it’s another greasy brushstroke in an ugly portrait of the darkest vice presidential election in modern political history.
When politically fratricidal Jeff Walz was asked on Facebook if he could convince his younger brother not to drink the pink Kool-Aid, he replied:
“I haven’t spoken to him in eight years. I am 100 percent opposed to his entire ideology. My family was not informed that he had been elected and was denied security in the days that followed.”
Good move, Joy Brigade. Didn’t anyone at Camp Kamala think to stop this bitter black sheep from bleating?
When reporters caught up with Cain (Dentist Tim) in the blood-red Florida Panhandle, his older brother had more fighting words.
‘(Tim Walz) is not the kind of character you want making decisions about your future.’
What? Tell it! If this guy is a complete pervert, America needs to be informed.
Walz’s carefully choreographed act, in which he shares casserole recipes and says “aw shucks,” seems as fake as Joe Biden’s hair implants.
If Timmy’s corn-fed flesh and blood is voting against him, they asked, shouldn’t we all?
Tim lied about his business history, embellished his military service and coaching exploits, and blatantly lied about his wife’s fertility treatments.
When asked to explain why he once claimed to have carried a gun “in war” even though he had never been in a war zone, he attributed the cause to his idiocy.
“My wife, the English teacher, told me that my grammar is not always correct,” he shrieked.
Maybe he is related to the Nebraska Walz after all!
Could Minnesota Tim from The Land of 10,000 Fakes be a cold, calculating weirdo posing as Joe Sixpack?
Local football coach?
Check.
Gay faculty advisor?
Check.
High school teacher driving drunk?
Oops!
And the vice presidential hopeful is not alone in his family estrangement.
Lady Boss Mamala has a pretty bad relationship with her Popala.
Donald Harris owns a home less than a mile from the White House, but there is no record of him visiting his daughter there.
In 2018, Big Daddy got very upset when Kamala joked about smoking the devil’s lettuce and blew a cloud of stinky stuff about his Jamaican side of the family.
Lady Boss Mamala has a pretty bad relationship with her Popala.
“Half my family is from Jamaica. Are you kidding me?” he laughed.
The Dutchman Donald was not amused.
“My dear deceased grandmothers… as well as my deceased parents must be turning in their graves right now seeing their family name, reputation and proud Jamaican identity connected, in some way, jokingly or not, to the fraudulent stereotype of a joy-seeking marijuana smoker in pursuit of identity politics,” he wrote.
“Speaking for myself and my immediate Jamaican family, we wish to categorically disassociate ourselves from this farce.”
Suit-and-trousers Pinocchio and Coach Falsehood may be very good for each other, but if their estranged relatives are any measure of their integrity, they may be a disaster for the country.
Wash, dry or… oh my!
Katy Perry’s music isn’t selling like it used to, so the Teenage Dream star, just a month away from turning 40, is desperate.
Speaking on the ‘Call Her Daddy’ podcast, Perry revealed her trick for avoiding the age-old problem of hands in the dishwasher.
You see, if her partner Orlando Bloom leaves the kitchen spotless, she rewards him with a dental cleaning service of her own.
Full disclosure: Orlando once got a massage at my place. Why? A real lady never rubs herself down and then tells about it.
Speaking on the ‘Call Her Daddy’ podcast, Perry revealed her trick for avoiding the age-old problem of hands in the dishwasher.
The benevolent queen of ‘retail trade’
Never one to shy away from talking about herself, the Duchess of Montecito has been busy praising her investment in ‘Cesta Collective’, a handbag brand that weaves its precious products in Rwanda.
Meghan said of her new venture last month: “I spend a lot of time Googling, just looking at brands… moments when I know there’s a global spotlight and there’s going to be attention on every single detail of what I can or can’t wear, so I support designers that I have really good friendships with… that’s one of the most powerful things I can do, and that’s just wearing, say, an earring.”
Just think of all the “powerful things” you could do if you wore, say, two earrings.
Maybe I should spend less time Googling and more time driving jam sales.
After all, Meghan has reportedly struggled to find a CEO for her lifestyle brand American Riviera Orchard, which launched in March but has nothing to show for it yet amid an ongoing series of trademark setbacks.
The Duchess of Montecito has been busy praising her investment in ‘Cesta Collective’, a handbag brand that weaves its precious products in Rwanda.
George de la Bungle
George Clooney is trying to rewrite the brutal history of the bloody coup to oust his “friend” Joe Biden.
It’s not been two months since Mad King George used his poison pen to pen a vicious op-ed in the pages of the New York Times criticizing Sleepy Joe for being old and unstable, headlined “We Need a New Candidate.”
Now Clooney is the forgetful one, imperiously telling reporters this weekend that the manner of Joe’s exit isn’t important (it is) but that “what should be remembered is the selfless act of someone who, you know, is very difficult to let go of.”
But he wouldn’t let go, did he, George? You, Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi stomped on his broken fingers until he couldn’t take it anymore.
With friends like this…
Snake oil for sale
Former supermodel Elle Macpherson is being wildly irresponsible by claiming that chiropractic witchcraft cured her breast cancer.
Dozens of experts had recommended more traditional treatments like chemotherapy, radiation and mastectomy, but The Body instead opted to turn to dodgy doctors, including one who calls himself a “holistic dentist” and a woman who claims to have cured her cancer with a juice detox.
Former supermodel Elle Macpherson is being wildly irresponsible by claiming that chiropractic witchcraft cured her breast cancer.
While it’s fantastic that Macpherson is alive and well, she seems willfully oblivious to the fact that her magic could lead other women to an untimely death.
Do you know who also initially opted for “non-traditional” cancer treatments, like juicing?
Steve Jobs.
I can’t hear you
Kamala Harris’s efforts to avoid answering tough questions are reaching comedic levels.
As she was seen boarding Air Force Two on Monday with wired headphones in both ears and the phone pressed to her ear as if she were on a call, the question should not be about her fear of questioning by reporters but: Do you know how to use your iPhone, Madam Vice President?
Kamala Harris’s efforts to avoid answering tough questions are reaching comedic levels.
Game, set… pull
Miserable tennis player Yulia Putintseva is back in action.
The Kazakh tennis player made her obscene innuendo in front of the public famous after her loss at the 2019 Australian Open, and at this year’s US Open she outdid herself.
As Yulia-Gulia went down in flames against Italian sensation Jasmine Paolini, an adorable ball girl attempted to toss her balls for her next serve.
But this Putint-esque guy just stood there like a statue, as the fuzzy green orbs bounced by.
That nonsense may work in Boratland, but New Yorkers have no stomach for a whiny loser.
The brave hunter
Robert Hunter Biden is a true pioneer.
The troubled First Bum was the first son of a sitting president to be tried for a crime, the first to be convicted of a felony, the first to have nude photos of himself doing crack published, the first (that we know of) to have fathered a child with a stripper, and now the first to plead guilty to a long list of tax crimes.
Luckily for Hunty, Coma Joe can come to the rescue one last time with a presidential pardon or commutation of sentence, and the big guy doesn’t even need to get up from his beach chair to do it.
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