Dear Jane,
One of my closest friends has completely upended our relationship by giving a mortifying bridesmaid speech at my wedding, and now my husband demands that I cut her out of my life completely.
I’ve known my maid of honor since we were kids, and although we’re total opposites, we’ve also been very close. So when it came time to choose a bridesmaid, she was my first choice, even though my husband expressed some concern about his drunken antics.
But I trusted her implicitly and made it clear that when it came to the wedding and the speech, it was important to me that everything was kept as calm as possible to avoid any embarrassment in front of my family and my new friend. laws.
He promised to keep things ‘PG’ leading up to the day and assured me he was going to ‘lean on emotion rather than humor’ in his speech.
However, that same day, she ended up quite drunk before I had even gotten to the altar, and I was forced to ask one of my other bridesmaids to watch her while I took photos with my husband after the ceremony. .
From there, things went from bad to worse, and when he stood up to give his speech, it was clear to everyone that he was in no condition to address a room full of people.
He then proceeded to recap all of my most mortifying sexual encounters, telling my family, friends, and in-laws about some of my most awkward dating moments, including the time I lost my virginity and a date that ended in disaster when I walked out after eating a few shrimp in bad condition.
I was on the verge of tears when my husband stood up and took the microphone out of her hands. I asked one of my friends to watch her for the rest of the night and did my best to stay away from her until the weekend was over.
Since the wedding, we’ve had a chance to chat, and while I don’t think I’m anywhere close to forgiving her, I do know that her speech didn’t come from a place of malice and that, in her drunken state, she truly thought I was being funny I believe that one day I will be able to overcome this and regain our friendship.
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However, this whole incident has left my husband so furious that he told me that he no longer feels comfortable spending time with her and would prefer that I cut her out of our lives once and for all. He said that he doesn’t want me to be around someone who clearly doesn’t care about me or have consideration for my feelings, and that he can’t stand the thought of talking to her again.
I feel really torn here; I know exactly why he feels that way, but I don’t want to end a 20-year friendship over one incident, no matter how painful it was.
Is there a way to repair the relationship between them?
Of,
bridal shame
Dear Bridal Shame:
Despite her own mortification at the speech her best friend gave her, she has taken a mature approach, knowing that it may take some time to forgive her and get back on track, while also understanding that her behavior was without malice and, in fact, His intentions, even while drunk, were intended to be funny rather than embarrassing.
We are human and fallible. Even when we love deeply, even when we go in with good intentions, we all make mistakes sometimes.
We depend on those who love us to understand the difference between bad behavior with good intentions and bad behavior with nefarious intentions. You have done this while protecting yourself and I applaud your emotional maturity and generosity.
You have had a long friendship with this woman and it is your decision how to handle it. Her husband may think that he is protecting her from her by eliminating people he considers toxic from her life, but it is not her decision and no one has the right to demand that she do anything.
It’s uncomfortable when people we love make decisions that we believe are bad for them.
We can tell them the reasons why we don’t approve of a friendship or a couple, but after that, we need to go out and let other people make their own decisions.
Your husband is trying to protect you, but you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Your friendship can be kept separate from your marriage, at least perhaps until your husband can see that it is lasting and good for you.
Dear Jane,
I am a 24 year old lesbian and I think I have somehow fallen in love with my friend, who is a 32 year old guy.
I came out at 14 and have always dated girls. I had never felt attracted to a man in my life, until this friend came into the picture.
We met five years ago through one of my college friends, who now works with him, and we immediately became close.
None of his girlfriends have had a problem with how close we are because they knew I was a lesbian, and I think that has helped our relationship become even stronger. We’ve never had to deal with the awkwardness of jealousy between girlfriend and best friend, which has been great.
But after years of getting closer to him, I started to realize that I actually like him as more than just a friend. ‘Male’ things used to gross me out, but with him, it’s completely different.
In fact, I find myself fantasizing about him, even though all the other men completely reject me.
We have both been single for the past few months and have been going out a lot. When we date, people always assume we’re a couple because of how we act together, but he’s never taken it beyond being affectionate. He always keeps things platonic, but he still makes me feel very special.
Recently, my extended family hosted a big party, so I invited him to come as my date. It was the first time they knew him and loved him. I introduced him as my best friend, but we were probably too touchy-feely at the party because my mom was giving us some knowing looks…
Now I’ve realized that I need to talk to him about how I’m feeling, but I have no idea how to do it.
He still sees me as a lesbian and I’m terrified he’ll be completely shocked if I tell him how I really feel. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but these feelings just aren’t going to go away.
Any advice is welcome!
Of,
Completely confused
Dear completely confused,
The Kinsey Scale test was created to measure sexual orientation, because in 1948 sex researcher Alfred Kinsey understood that sexuality is a spectrum, and people can be anywhere on that spectrum; The test was designed to help people know where they fell.
I say this because even if you’ve identified as a lesbian for ten years, sexuality is nuanced and complicated, and depending on where you are on the spectrum, it can change. As you discover.
I will also say, as I often do, that it doesn’t matter who you love, but who you love, and how wonderful it is to feel such closeness and companionship.
I have no idea if he feels the same way, but I suggest you find out, gently, so as not to damage the friendship if he doesn’t share those feelings.
Instead of coming out (no pun intended) with a heavy, emotional confession, maybe show curiosity and levity.
Have you ever fallen in love with a friend? Do you think sexuality can be more fluid? What would I suggest if you had fallen in love with a friend?
Be playful and light. You can tell him that you’ve been wondering about the two of you and see how he reacts. Keeping the relationship fun and light is less likely to change the friendship if he doesn’t share your feelings.
Either way, I applaud your bravery and wish you the best of luck!