Q I am 52 years old and have been married to my second husband for 14 years. We have a 12-year-old son and two older children from my first marriage. My mother passed away a year ago and I spent long periods away from home caring for her before and caring for my stepfather afterwards.
However, I recently found out that shortly after my mother died, my husband began sexting with a woman he had met in the area. He had even booked a hotel room for them to meet, though he later cancelled it (I found the receipts) and I think that’s over now. My first marriage ended largely due to my ex’s infidelity and my trust issues. My husband’s excuse for sexting was that it was something separate for him, removed from the routine of family life. He said I was very absent from home and we weren’t having sex regularly.
He is a good father and we get along well. My children, who are now grown, adore him. He also has a great family whom I love very much. I don’t think I can ever get over his betrayal at a time when I was so vulnerable. How can I trust him again and if I can’t, how can I spare everyone so much trouble and loss?
TO I’m so sorry to hear about your mother’s loss. It’s hard for you, as you clearly love your husband and have built a life together. But he has caused you a lot of pain, and it’s especially hard after your first husband’s betrayal. His sexting was an “emotional affair” – nothing physical happened, but his thoughts and feelings were elsewhere, so he was not emotionally available to you.
This can hurt just as much as a physical affair, and it is particularly painful that he was texting this woman while you were in the midst of grieving. The fact that your husband never got to know her and ended the communication suggests that the sexting was indeed, as he says, a way to escape reality and satisfy some unmet need, not something serious.
Affairs happen for a variety of reasons: sometimes they’re not so much about sex as they are about seeking an emotional connection. They can be validation that someone is still attractive, or even sometimes a distraction from the fear of dying (sex is proof that you’re fit and healthy). Whether you can forgive him depends on whether he’s truly sorry and willing to go to therapy with you to figure out why this happened.
Therapy isn’t always meant to repair a marriage; it can sometimes help couples part ways with less acrimony and pain. It will also help you explore your trust issues, which seem to have existed before your first husband’s infidelity. Relating.org.uk either bacp.co.ukI hope this relationship can be repaired; I think it’s entirely possible.
WE DON’T WANT THEM TO STAY WITH US
Q My 27-year-old daughter and her boyfriend have been together for three years. At first, my husband and I got along well with him. However, about 18 months ago, they lived with us for a few weeks (their rental house had flooded) and our opinion of him definitely took a turn for the worse. He was lazy, arrogant and messy, which was difficult because our house is small. I was eventually able to talk to him nicely, but he told me he didn’t like being scolded like a child and we had a huge fight.
Since then, an uneasy peace has been restored, but my husband and I remain wary of him. However, now my daughter has asked me to come stay with us again, but only for a week. I don’t want to say no to her or bother her, but I really don’t want them to stay here. My husband is absolutely against the idea.
TO Unfortunately, your daughter’s boyfriend doesn’t seem to be ideal. The fact that you continue to “distrust” him suggests that he has a bad temper. Also, his comment about not wanting to be scolded “like a child” is, ironically, very immature. You offered them both your home when they needed it and asked them to treat her and you with respect. You say that your attitude was polite, so he had no right to react that way.
I understand that you don’t want the situation to escalate again, but you also support your daughter. Perhaps the best way to protect your relationship with her is to tell her that you love her very much and that you’re glad they’ve put the previous incident behind them, but that you don’t want to risk things going wrong again. Do you have the financial means to offer to help out with a B&B for a week?
If you have any problems, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets not being able to answer each one personally.