Q I am 76 and my partner, who is 74, has Parkinson’s and dementia, as well as other medical problems. We have no family apart from his older sister, who has never been to our house. I can’t cope and have arranged for him to spend a week in a care home, but I feel guilty.
He is sometimes lucid and charming, although he seems to think I am… A caregiver. Sometimes he doesn’t remember that we live in our house and thinks he has one somewhere else.
When he’s in this mood, he’s unbearable and accuses me of lying. He also behaves strangely with money, despite having a lot of it and certainly more than me. Every month, we contribute to our joint account for groceries etc., but he hates spending and I have to remind him to do so. I have financial power of attorney, so I could move his money myself, but he wouldn’t be happy. How can I cope?
TO This is very difficult for you.
I know that people find it difficult to make the decision to put their spouse or partner into a care home, even if it is just for a break. It can also remind them of their own stage in life and can be difficult to cope with. Also, when a partner enters a care home, the change can be lonely.
Try not to feel guilty, though. Caring for someone with Parkinson’s and dementia is too much for one person to handle, and I suspect you’ve been struggling with this for a long time. You seem exhausted and overwhelmed, and in fact, you’ll probably find that a week will be too short a respite.
It may make you realize how restricted your life has become.
If you remain the sole carer, this is likely to take a huge toll on your physical and mental health, so now is the time to consider getting a lot more help. Part-time or live-in carers, or even a permanent place in a care home are all options that can be considered.
People with dementia often become obsessed with money, believing they don’t have enough even when they have plenty, but it’s hard to know exactly at what stage to act on their behalf as the loss of mental capacity is gradual. This would involve taking over your partner’s bank accounts and from what he says it sounds like he’s already reached this stage. It’s clear he’s acting in her best interest and she needs to be able to pay bills and groceries so he needs to have access to her money.
Contact the Alzheimer’s Society Dementia Support Line (0333 150 3456) for advice on how to manage this.
You should also ask what happens if, in the future, you need to make important decisions about your health. Unfortunately, the opinions of civil partners are often not taken into account, even when the couple has been together for many years, unless you also have a power of attorney for health and welfare matters.
How can I get him to leave his cheating girlfriend?
Q My son is 25 years old and, although he is quite shy, he has already had a couple of romances at university, each lasting a few months. For the past eight months he has been dating a young woman he met at work who seemed lovely.
However, she recently got angry and admitted to me that she had cheated on him. Apparently this is not the first time. I am so angry that I want to confront her, but I know I can’t. The most worrying thing is that my son seems to have forgiven her. He says he loves her and that he knows she is out of his league (she is exceptionally pretty), but I’m sure she will hurt him again. How can I convince him to end this relationship?
TO This is very sad for your son, and therefore for you as well. Since his girlfriend has cheated on him more than once, I suspect that she is not committed to this relationship, so in the long run she will probably end it anyway, even if he doesn’t. However, it would be nice if he could be helped to see that he doesn’t have to put up with being treated poorly.
He may think she’s “out of his league,” but because he’s young, he may be too influenced by her physical appearance. You probably can’t “persuade” him to end the relationship (only he can make that decision for himself), but you might be able to help him understand that this relationship isn’t good for him.
You are right not to openly criticize her or confront her. So ask him gently about her: ask light, subtle questions and ask him if he feels she makes him happy. If he can see that she doesn’t, he will hopefully start to question this relationship more. Supporting him and boosting his self-esteem is all you can do for now.
If you have any problems, please write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email her at c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot respond to each one personally.
