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It was the fortnight before Christmas, when not a single creature, not even a mouse, moved in the entire royal house…
Then Prince Andrew appears at the center of another terribly embarrassing scandal.
Apologies for paraphrasing Clement Clarke Moore’s poem, but can you imagine the King’s reaction to the news this Advent season that a close confidant of the prince has been banished from Britain after MI5 claimed he is a Chinese spy?
The alleged spy, a businessman known only as H6 for legal reasons, was apparently authorized to act on the duke’s behalf to seek investors in China. He was even invited to the prince’s 60th birthday.
What planet was Andrew on? Well, Greedy, Arrogant and Stupid Planet for starters. The alleged spy was told that Andrew was “in a desperate situation and would latch on to anything” and presumably took full advantage.
It’s hard to think of anything Andrew could have done to match his catastrophic association with convicted pedophile Jeffrey Epstein and his lawsuit with Virginia Giuffre, who accused him of sexually abusing her.
But he has managed to outdo himself, incredibly creating an “unusual degree of trust” with someone considered a threat to our national security.
Which brings us back to that festering sore of his insistence that he has the right to remain at the 30-room Royal Lodge in Windsor Park with no visible financial means of support. The Mail on Sunday suggested Charles was still paying for Andrew to stay. Which, as kind as it may be, would be a serious error in judgment.
The 30-bedroom Royal Lodge in Windsor Park. Andrew insists that he has the right to remain there without visible financial means of support.
What planet was Andrew on? Well, Greedy, Arrogant and Stupid Planet for starters. Our King must realize that the monarchy is a fragile institution and that Andrew is deeply damaging it.
Our King must realize that the monarchy is a fragile institution and that Andrew is deeply damaging it.
He must cut all ties with his brother forever.
Jen takes a bow
Jennifer Lopez’s ‘revenge dress’ after reluctantly filing for divorce from Ben Affleck tops a best of 2024 list. She wears no panties or bra beneath two sequin panels held together by bows. Since Ben often raised his eyebrows (and not in a good way) at her skimpy outfits, instead of thinking “look what I’m missing,” he’s probably thanking the stars for his escape.
- Green fanatic Ed Miliband reveals to LBC’s Nick Ferrari that he doesn’t own an electric car but rides an electric bike, to which Nick asked him how far that would take him on his weekly Parliament visits to his constituency in Doncaster, 170 miles away.
Why Coleen isn’t Kardashian…
Following Coleen’s jungle success I’m A Celebrity, Disney+, Sky and Amazon are bidding for the rights to a £5million series, At Home With The Rooneys. I’m afraid it would be a snooze party. As lovely as Col is, she’s no Kim Kardashian and her husband Wayne is a jerk. But if this picture of their hideous silver Christmas tree in a gray room that resembles a funeral home basement is any clue, we’d have fun walking through the Rooney house.
- Amid the surprising events of Taylor Swift’s Eras tour (12 costume changes, 46 songs per show, 1.5 billion in ticket sales) comes news that she had 250 pairs of Christian Louboutin stilettos made with red sole for her. Sorry to ruin the party Taylor, but anyone who has used them, like me, knows they should come with a health warning. You may dance well now at 35, but at 50 you’ll have bunions the size of Texas.
Westminster Wars
- Another Labor win after its huge pay rise for train drivers means inconvenience for passengers as staff cannot now be tempted to work overtime on their new salaries of up to £70,000. Let’s talk about a Merry Christmas for union payers. And all on us!
- Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch says sandwiches aren’t real food, lunch is for weaklings, but every once in a while she’ll have a steak, like Meryl Streep channeling Vogue’s Anna Wintour in The Devil Wears Prada. If you want to emulate the great Wintour, may I humbly suggest that the disheveled Kemi get a new stylist.
- Keira Knightley is nominated for a Hollywood Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Television Drama Series following her role as a ruthless assassin in Netflix’s Black Doves. It’s simultaneously compulsive and convulsively hilarious viewing, in which a toothpick-thin Keira beats up bad guys twice her size. Jason Bourne would solve it in seconds!
Secret about Sara
Justified outrage that anonymity is granted to the family court judge who failed Sara Sharif by allowing her to be sent back to live with her violent father, despite repeated warnings about his brutality.
Surely those who wield such power should be held accountable?
But then whoever put Sara in the hands of this monster will have to live knowing that they did it and that, for them, will be a life sentence.
- Women with painful gynecological conditions are suffering from “medical misogyny” as male doctors fail to recognize their symptoms and dismiss their pain, according to a report. All very true. But when I had adenomyosis, a horrible condition of the uterus that causes bleeding and pain, it was an NHS doctor who refused to give me another scan. She said I had already had my quota of treatment and sent me packing with some paracetamol. The sad reality is that it is both doctors and women who are failing us.
- Kate Moss abandons her lover, Count Nikolai von Bismarck, 13 years her junior, to have more fun at 50. Very good. But maybe you should remember the words Billy Preston sang: “If you can’t be with the person you love, love the person you’re with.” Even for supermodels, Christmas can be lonely.
- Many speculate that Daniel Craig playing a gay guy in the new movie Queer was his attempt to distance himself from James Bond. Most reviews rate the film one or two stars. I hope his Bond diamonds (£65m from five 007 films) last forever.
I’m going to cha-cha-cheer Chris
The Strictly 2024 shiny ball will be lifted tonight by one of the finalists, whether it be blind comedian Chris McCausland, Miranda star Sarah Hadland, former boy band star JB Gill or deaf reality TV star Tasha Ghouri . Chris is the only one who has no professional dance experience, fulfilling Strictly’s original promise of turning non-dancers into something resembling grace. Even if he’s not the best, I’ll vote for Chris.
We’re all trying to help others this time of year, but nothing compares to Kevin Sinfield’s Running Home For Christmas marathon, in which he ran 31 miles a day for a week, raising money for Alzheimer’s disease research. motor neuron, which took the life of his rugby friend Rob Burrows. Kevin was wearing Rob’s number 7 and his target of £777,777 was surpassed when more than £1 million arrived.