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Dear Bel,
I am 25 years old and I live with my boyfriend. We met two years ago through a mutual friend, and the following year I moved into his house.
He has a demanding job and works long hours, so moving seemed sensible or we would never see each other.
He is very in love with me and is wonderfully affectionate, attentive and calm. Sexually things are not so good, but he tries and becomes less embarrassed and self-conscious as the relationship progresses.
I know he would be a great father and a strong husband.
I’ve always imagined having my first child before I was 30 and being married for about a year before that. Having invested all this time, I don’t want to walk away from an incredibly loving man.
But I can also see myself falling in love with a passionate relationship like the one I had with a “bad boy” for a year in my teens. I don’t want to write off an amazing man, but I can’t feel myself anymore.
I have enjoyed building our house, but I am a nester and I like to cook dinner, bake, and have someone to take care of.
I’ve often set unattainable goals for myself, so am I overvaluing the concept of “the one”? I hear stories of horrible dates and horrible boyfriends and I feel so guilty for undervaluing what I have, but how can I accept spending my life with a man when I’m so insecure? Can we ever really know?
I love him, but I don’t know if I’m ‘in love’ with him or just sticking to what’s ‘safe’, and I told him all of these concerns. I care deeply about him and in the couple of days it took him to leave, heal his wounds and come back to me from the ‘chat’, I felt quite anxious. I now think he chalked the talk up to my usual over-analysis and moved on.
Please help me decide if I need to continue with this or leave.
I don’t want to lose the intimacy we share but I don’t know if what we have is enough to last.
Is this just the effect of choice and knowledge of divorce ratings? I don’t want to become another statistic.
SIMON
Bel Mooney responds: You’re not the first young woman in a good relationship with Mr. Nice Guy who still has fantasies of being swept off her feet by a dangerous, sexy ‘bad boy’. You won’t be the last!
This is the crux of your problem.
Sex with this good, loving man is not at all what you would like it to be, and at your age, that does matter a lot. Otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it.
I’m concerned that you seem to have written a fairly rigid script for your life and now have serious doubts about the plot and characters.
On one hand, you love the idea of nesting, cooking, having a baby, living happily ever after with “the one” and being the perfect wife and mother.
On the other hand, your inner self dreams of rebellion. To break walls and run away.
Your uncut letter tells me that you did very well in college and that you now have a good job with interesting prospects.
I wonder if your latent dissatisfaction with your partner and your nice, easy life together isn’t also fueled by a frustration with yourself for always being the high-achieving A*. Are there roots of this in childhood? For example, what was your parents’ response to your teenage boyfriend? Did you always feel like you had to live up to his expectations?
I’ve never believed in the concept of “the one,” because for some people there are two or even three loves in life. None of us can “know” whether decisions made in our 20s will be a source of great disappointment and pain in our 40s.
I assure you that I never thought I would get divorced at 50; ‘becoming another statistic’ is not something you can have any control over. As for “permanence”? What’s that? I’m afraid you can’t fit the mysterious mechanisms of fate into your personal script for finding paradise.
Why not live in the present, focus on having a good time with your partner and simply put your plans on hold? Stop navel-gazing and endlessly questioning yourself. Mr. Nice Guy might get tired of you and suggest a fresh start with new people. Or you could meet the sexy Mr. Wrong next month and run away with him.
The jury is always out on our lives, you know? That’s why tomorrow is exciting.
Mom is cruel and made her friend cry.
Dear bel
My mother, who is 86 years old, raised three children alone and provided for us as best she could, for which we are very grateful.
But she wasn’t affectionate (I don’t remember her saying I love you) and she’s not tactile; When I hug her, she moves away from her or pats me.
We haven’t had the easiest relationship, as she expected more from her only daughter than from her sons. I have learned not to challenge her because if I do, she fights with me for months.
Bel Mooney says some of the saddest letters she receives are from adult children of elderly parents.
In recent years it has gotten worse, often unpleasantly. I don’t want to be near her; She affects my mental health.
She has a lifelong friend who is lovely and I often take her to visit, but now Mum is so rude it’s not fair to put her through that (last time she was crying). But without the friend’s support, I don’t think she can handle it. I also feel bad if I don’t see her.
Mom’s mental health is not good. Her doctor has suggested that she take antidepressants, but she scoffs at it.
I want to do something to stop her from losing the few people who still care, but my brothers disagree and say she won’t change.
I’m worried that by trying to challenge her she’ll fight me.
Do I leave things as they are or try to get her to see how her behavior affects other people?
CAROLA
Bel Mooney responds: Some of the saddest letters I receive are from adult children of elderly parents. They find themselves torn between a sense of duty and frustration.
You don’t mention a father. Whatever the circumstances, it sounds like your mom went through a tough time, which makes me wonder if that made her tougher than you would have liked her to be as a mom.
Some older people remember their story and develop deep anger and ask, “Why did it have to be like this?” These regrets can cause bitterness in those who feel let down by their own decisions, bad luck, or simply chance. Do you think any of that could apply to your mother?
Reading your description of his behavior, my first thought was that he might be developing dementia, which can cause what I consider a hardening of personality. Forgetfulness is one thing, but increased verbal aggression is another.
The fact that he was difficult with you could be explained by family history, but being so mean to his friend? That is different.
You say that “your doctor has repeatedly suggested that you take antidepressants,” which makes me wonder why you make those appointments: what physical symptoms? You may “scoff” at anything to do with mental health and yet feel an unspoken need for help. If she refuses her doctor’s help, how will she find it in herself to listen to you?
There are no easy answers. You know her well; She will surely get angry and reject you if you tell her the truth.
When you made your friend cry, was anything said at the time or afterwards? Perhaps that incident could provide a way to start the conversation you fear.
I’m not sure why your brothers should sneak out, but since you have a good relationship with your friend, can you get her help? Could you take her to visit her one more time and make a pact to explain to your mother why her behavior was unacceptable? You two could make her think, as well as provide each other with some protection from her wrath.
I suspect it would be best if such an intervention came from a peer. And it might also help you to get counseling to unearth old memories and explain why your relationship with your mother is so complicated.
I admire your desire to save her from herself, but you can only do it with help.
And lastly… sharing is a way to do wonders!
The sun disappeared, the rain came, but I was blessed by the sunshine in my mailbag, answering last week’s ‘And finally’.
You like it when I wear my heart on my sleeve, and prove it by sending the ‘hearts’ to my inbox!
Responding to my sad comment about no longer being Wonder Woman (due to her health), Alison W corrected me with some kind but firm words:
‘…that part was not correct. You looked in the mirror with the wrong view. There is not an “old, tired woman”, etc., but a woman with a lot of strength… So go back to the mirror and look at yourself again.’
Lynne M picked up the topic: “You’re just taking a break, you’ll be back in those boots soon.” They are attached for when you are ready.
And he sent me a picture of Wonder Woman’s red boots!
So many loving emails reinforced my belief that true wonders can be achieved by sharing our stories here. Thank you all.
Lawrence S supplied a
Heartwarming lesson in positivity: ‘Last April I lost my lovely wife after 66 years… I had never lived alone in my life so it was difficult… 12 days after her death I was rushed to hospital to receive five blood transfusions due to some internal bleeding, attributed to stress.
‘Then in June I was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer. In January, I was taken to the hospital again with sepsis. It has left me weak and weak after years of being in shape.
Then I started to think. Since I turn 90 next month, I should be grateful for 88 years of good health. I had over 60 years of wonderful love and companionship. Bless you, Bel, for all the help you provide each week. Get well soon.’
That makes me humble.