‘My husband was constantly nagging me to have sex. It was unbearable, but he suddenly stopped.
“It was obvious that he was going to get it somewhere else, but we never talked about it. I don’t ask questions when he comes home late and we get along better. It’s an arrangement that suits us both.”
It’s an unconventional situation, but if you’re willing to tolerate your partner cheating in order to save the relationship, then you’ve become “toliamorous.”
Dan Savage, an American columnist and podcaster (Savage Love), has coined the term to describe relationships in which one or both partners tolerate – or tolerate – other people outside of sexual or romantic contact.
It is not an open relationship because the couple has never acknowledged or talked about the infidelity, but rather one of the two turns a blind eye, looks the other way and acts as if nothing is happening.
Socially, the couple continues to present themselves as monogamous, even though the relationship is not.
‘Tolyamoury’ describes relationships in which one or both partners tolerate the other’s infidelities.
TOLIAMORIA IS MORE COMMON THAN YOU THINK
It sounds unpleasant, but toliamor has been around as long as marriage. Now it just has a catchy name.
This type of relationship is especially common when there is already a clear exchange: one person has a lot of money and power and the other can enjoy their privileges and lifestyle… as long as they tolerate certain things.
It is also common in relationships where parting ways is not in the best interest of either partner. Why did Hillary Clinton stay with Bill when his infidelity was discovered? Because staying with him helped her achieve her political aspirations.
As Dan Savage points out, toliamor doesn’t necessarily mean a person is being cheated on or taken advantage of. There are circumstances in which it suits both perfectly.
Relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) explains that toliamor is not the same as an open relationship because the couple has never acknowledged or talked about the affair.
“I’d rather have it and put up with the cheating than not have it at all.”
Laura is 34 years old and has been married for eight years.
“I don’t think I’m beautiful enough for my husband to want just me. He loves me and he loves our children and I have no doubt that we are what he cares about most in the world. But he’s always loved looking at beautiful and overtly sexy women and I don’t fit that profile.
He is 36 years old, very handsome, runs a successful business, travels a lot, and women are attracted to him. I knew I could go a step further than just looking when I married him. But I have been in love with him since day one, and frankly, I would rather have him and put up with his cheating than not have him at all. I have a wonderful lifestyle, a beautiful home, I don’t want for anything, and my children have all the advantages I wanted for them. It’s a fair deal if you look at it that way.
That’s how I feel now, of course. I’ve gotten used to it now. When I first realized he might be cheating on me, I was devastated. His best friend’s wife tried to warn me. She made some comments about how men can’t be trusted and that she’s worried about what her husband does when he’s with my husband on a business trip. She’d caught him cheating on me before. She was watching my face to see how I would react. She might as well have said that her husband had told her that my husband was cheating on me.
Some people might choose to stay because the idea of living without their partner, even if he or she is unfaithful, is too terrible to contemplate (file image)
I didn’t say much, just nodded and said something like, “Kids will be kids,” but inside I was dying. The kids were little, two and three, and I was vulnerable. I still had some baby weight on and didn’t look my best. My husband noticed I was upset on the way home and asked me what was wrong. I don’t know why I didn’t tell him and ask him straight up if he was up to something bad. But I didn’t.
I talked to another close friend about it and she said that all the men in our group sleep with other women from time to time. It’s normal. None of the wives say anything to them because they know they’re fine in every other way.
I don’t think my husband is like the rest of them. I don’t doubt that he truly loves us. I think it’s something he’ll do when he’s young and lose interest in when he’s older. It’s a waiting game, and as long as I know I have his heart, I’m willing to play it.
WHY IS TOLYAMORY SUITABLE FOR SOME COUPLES?
Sometimes the positives make cheating tolerable. It can even improve the relationship. Especially if…
You don’t want to have sex with your partner and you’re happy to have that need satisfied elsewhere. I see this a lot in couples with disparate libidos. One person wants a lot of sex, the other may not want any sex at all. They didn’t start out that way, but they’ve gotten to that point after a long time together. If you love your partner but don’t want to have sex with them or deny them pleasure, outsourcing it is a solution to the problem.
You don’t want to lose or compromise your lifestyle or income. Divorce often means splitting what you have down the middle; at the very least, it means losing some material possessions. If marrying a high-income earner was important to you, living the lifestyle you want may be more important than your spouse’s fidelity.
You don’t want to upset your children or your family. Not wanting to hurt your children is probably the most common reason for toliamor. Ending a long-term relationship is complicated, confusing, and heartbreaking. And it’s not just your children who see the world falling apart, but everyone around you as well. Mutual friends, parents, and siblings suffer; grandparents fear their access to grandchildren will be compromised; friends fear having to choose sides. Separating from family can be more painful than separating from a partner.
You can’t imagine life without your partner and you’d rather put up with their cheating than live without them. A desperately sad reason to stay, but still preferable to the alternative for some people.
The relationship has turned into a deep friendship, and although you no longer want to have sex, he does. Sometimes older couples make these kinds of arrangements without even approving or talking about it. You love them enough that you don’t want to deny them something they really enjoy.
WHY DOES HE DESTROY OTHERS?
In the past, women were more likely to tolerate their husbands’ indiscretions. Closing the infidelity gap means that both sexes can now find themselves in this situation.
As you can imagine, toliamor has many disadvantages.
It can cause emotional distress. If you look the other way because your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you feel that you don’t deserve your partner’s respect, that’s clearly not a good solution. The same goes for if putting up with it makes you feel betrayed, sad and alone.
There is an erosion of trust. Trust is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and it’s not just necessary for sex and love. You need to trust that your partner will do the right thing by you, manage shared finances responsibly, be a good parent, and behave well toward the people you love. If you lose trust in one area, it can erode in others.
There are health risks If your partner does not have safe sex.
Resentment and bitterness can build up over time. It’s not easy to be faithful long-term. If we take away morals and consequences, we’d probably all have a lustful affair from time to time. What stops us is commitment, our moral code, and doing the “right” thing for our partner. Watching your partner have their cake and eat it too isn’t easy when you’re denying yourself a slice.
- Check out Tracey’s two product ranges, Tracey Cox Edge and Supersex, at lovehoney.co.uk.
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