Anyone else getting a serious World War III vibe?
The Russians are threatening to bomb US air bases in Poland after launching nuclear-capable hypersonic missiles at Ukraine.
Putin’s escalation comes after a White House decision to greenlight Kiev’s launch of American-made long-range missiles into Mad Vlad’s backyard, killing North Korean mercenaries.
Hey, 2024, it’s 1914 calling. They want their global madness back.
At a time like this, you pray for a steady hand at the helm of the Oval Office. So it’s a shame that Drowsy Joe’s creased, sun-spotted fingers are too slippery from the chocolate ice cream to get a grip.
Who the hell is really in charge, because surely it can’t be Commander-Non-Compos-Mentis?
Biden, who turned 82 on Wednesday, just went through an international swan song during a visit to Rio de Janeiro for the G20 summit this week.
The media was so eager to talk to him that they resorted to writing questions on signs and shouting like groupies as he boarded Air Force One.
At a time like this, you pray for a steady hand at the helm of the Oval Office. So it’s a shame that Drowsy Joe’s creased, sun-spotted fingers are too slippery from the chocolate ice cream to get a grip.
‘Sir. Chairman, happy early birthday. Would you like to talk to us for your birthday, sir?’ a reporter shouted. “As a gift to the press, would you please talk to us? Mr. President. President Biden. Please, we didn’t hear from you the whole trip. Mr. President!’
This aging Elvis can no longer play the hits. Biden showed up late for a photo-op with foreign leaders and appeared to wander through the Amazon jungle like a sleepy Bagger Vance after mumbling about a pre-scripted script.
But somehow, amid all the dodging, dozing, aimless staring, and pointless posing, Joe decided to arm Ukrainian President Zelenskiy with Uncle Sam’s state-of-the-art weapons.
Well, color me skeptical AF.
The move to sanction strikes on Russian territory is a total reversal of Biden’s longstanding policy of appeasement. The fact that he has approved $275 million in new weapons as he is about to hand over the keys to his nemesis (Trump, not Nancy Pelosi) is even more troubling.
At best, this sudden shift is reckless. At worst, it is evidence that the country is actually run by an aggressive group of irresponsible and unelected windbags, more interested in cementing their own legacy than paving the way for the new government. It’s like taking the nuclear football and going home.
So who would these presidential string pullers be?
Perhaps National Security Advisor Jake Sullivan, who memorably declared that the Middle East is “calmer today than it has been in 20 years,” just eight days before October 7.
Or Secretary of State Antony Blinken – the human equivalent of a lukewarm cup of Sanka.
Or Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, who could go missing at any time. Or Mayor Pete, who is still on paternity leave (maybe).
Hey, at least we know it’s not Catastrophe Kamala – she sneaked out to the sun with dumb nanny Doug while on vacation in Hawaii.
Hey, at least we know it’s not Catastrophe Kamala – she sneaked out to the sun with dumb nanny Doug while on vacation in Hawaii.
So that leaves one person to guide humanity through this melting pot: Dr. Strangelove itself.
Come on, Jill. It’s time to put that University of Delaware PhD to work!
January 20th can’t come soon enough.
Shiny toys
Kim K took another step towards Madonna zone this week when she posed in a thong and black puffer jacket for a series of bizarre photos next to one of Elon Musk’s Tesla bots.
Honestly, it was hard to tell the couple apart. One is a synthetic, soulless automaton. The other is a robot
Kim K took another step towards Madonna zone this week when she posed in a thong and black puffer jacket for a series of bizarre photos next to one of Elon Musk’s Tesla bots.
Cracking Gaetz
Who among us hasn’t reportedly paid tens of thousands of dollars to expensive call girls (some potentially underage) to participate in drug-fueled sex parties?
When Donald Trump appointed Matt Gaetz as attorney general, I assumed the newly elected president was playing 4D chess. Now I know he was.
In one fell swoop, Donald gave his loyal axeman a plausible way to sneak out of Congress, tickled the MAGA base, and emerged as the rationale.
Who’s ready for four more years of this?
Barron’s luggage
A resurfaced clip shows a three-year-old Barron Trump lugging around a small Louis Vuitton bag and shouting to his mother Melania – in a thick Slovenian accent – “I love my soooootcase!”
It’s a good thing this cute little duke has grown into a towering 6-foot hunk. Otherwise, that fancy-pants luggage would kick his ass in the playground.
Defying common sense
In a completely insane interview with Out magazine, ‘Wicked’ actress Cynthia Erivo – flanked by her disappearing co-star Ariana Grande – is told by a reporter that ‘this week people are taking the lyrics from ‘Defying Gravity’ and really holding the space and feel strength in that.’
Erivo, struggling to cope with the incredible severity of holding and feeling, is almost moved to tears as she says, “I didn’t know this was happening… that’s all I wanted.”
Grande, meanwhile, is stunned into silence as she grasps the index finger of the woman who accidentally created the feeling of space and power.
I’ll take the drink these wild witches drink!
Unhappy meal
What fuels a Deep State-destroying, pesticide-hating, anti-vax freak?
McDonald’s of course.
RFK Jr., the nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, was pictured on Trump Force One this week holding up a Quarter Pounder like a father would hold a dirty diaper.
Bobby, if you’re going to work in this administration, you’re going to have to eat some shit.
RFK Jr., the nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, was pictured on Trump Force One this week holding up a Quarter Pounder like a father would hold a dirty diaper.
Ellen’s English exit
Ellen DeGeneres and her WAG Portia de Rossi have thrown a tantrum and fled the country following Adolf Trump’s re-election.
They’ve left their skinny matcha mochas behind in sunny California and headed to England, where they join actress Eva Longoria in the growing list of A-listers who escaped.
If they’re anything like the Desperate Housewife, they’ll be back in a week. But what if they are serious? After all, they’ve put their Montecito mansion up for sale.
It won’t be lost on some that they’re leaving behind a host of famous neighbors, including Harry and Meghan, and moving to the one country the Sussexes wouldn’t dare return to.