There may be an evolutionary reason why you stop being attracted to your crush when you discover that they chew loudly.
‘The ick’ is a term that became popular on TikTok and Instagram to describe that feeling when attraction turns into a sudden, embarrassing dislike of another person, often a budding romance.
Common examples of discomfort triggers are poor hygiene, arrogance, and rudeness, but many have reported seemingly innocuous things like walking with a wide stride, sleeping on navy blue sheets, or even shortening breakfast to “brekkie.”
Now, clinical psychologists have told DailyMail.com that they believe one of two things is happening: It could be a primitive visceral warning to stay away from danger, or it could be that you are sabotaging a relationship because of your own relationship problems. and attachment style.
Do dirty nails make you “disgusted”? According to psychologists, ick is a feeling of disgust, a primitive emotion meant to keep us safe.
Does it make you sick if you go to a potential romantic partner’s house and see that their trash is overflowing? In this case and others, the problem may be that your body is trying to warn you about a possible illness. But while that gut feeling can be powerful, it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, psychologists say.
According to Dr. Carla Marie Manly, evolutionary theory says that ick may be part of a primitive instinct meant to protect us against things that could harm us. For example, our feeling of disgust at unpleasant flavors, smells, and textures keeps us from eating poisonous mushrooms or spoiled foods.
“The ick factor is the result of a feeling of disgust in your gut,” Manly, a clinical psychologist, told DailyMail.com.
However, with people it is a little more complicated.
In the modern era, ick can warn of dangers different from those faced by our ancient ancestors, when their sense of disgust told them to sleep away from the part of their cave where they defecated.
The ick has more to do with other people and whether they will be suitable partners.
“Something about that person or their gestures creates a feeling of disgust,” Manly said.
A date who yells at a waiter or criticizes their speech could be a sign that they might be abusive in the future or a bad parent to their child.
They might even remind you of similar painful memories from your own childhood.
But Dr. Leslie Feil, also a clinical psychologist, said distress tends to be more common in people with their own insecurities, especially people with an avoidant attachment style.
Does it make you sick when you see a man drink with a straw? You may be looking for a reason to reject him as a potential partner.
Greeting card seller Thortful surveyed 2,000 UK men and women about their problems, and the top contenders were poor hygiene. arrogance and eating loudly.
Men and women agreed on the three main symptoms, with bad breath in fourth place. Spitting in the street, being rude to hospitality staff and making crude jokes also topped the list.
Imagine you are on a first date with a man and he drinks through a straw, or you are on a first date with a woman and she turns out to be a picky eater.
Does it disgust you?
Feil said people sometimes feel disgust when reality destroys fantasy. And these fantasies are often encouraged by romantic movies or lists about the qualities to look for in a partner.
“That’s the phenomenon I see the most: people have this idea of ​​this idealized couple,” he told DailyMail.com.
If you find that you feel bad over and over again around different people, therapy or other self-examination tools could help you figure out why you’re so quick to disqualify a suitor, she said.
Someone who exhibits this style of relating to others may have an avoidant attachment style, which they confuse with ick.
“They have difficulty forming relationships with other people and may suddenly feel repulsed because they are afraid to move on to the next step with the other person,” she said.
Our attachment style develops in childhood and influences the way we approach relationships for the rest of our lives.
If a man who puts on lip balm grosses you out, you may have other unrealistic expectations about a potential romantic partner.
Some women report being grossed out when a man doesn’t eat vegetables. In this case, they could be responding to a signal that he is not healthy or mature. But this kind of quirk doesn’t make them unlikable and doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, psychologists say.
An avoidant attachment style may come from parents or caregivers who fail to show care or possibly fail to provide basic needs such as food and shelter.
In adulthood, people with an avoidant attachment style may feel overly self-sufficient, as if they don’t need anyone else, especially because they may view other people as unreliable and untrustworthy, based on their upbringing.
This fear of intimacy, then, can manifest as something unpleasant.
“And we often work on that in therapy, to understand it better and do it in a safer way,” Feil said.
Sometimes, if we dislike a new partner, the feeling of dislike will disappear over time as we get used to their quirks: whether they clap when the plane lands, or if they don’t put a coaster under the glass, for example. example.
Whatever your specific quirks, the other person may not check enough boxes on the list, but that doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, Feil said.
“I think those little annoyances or petty annoyances that we all have with other people really fade away when we feel compassion toward the person we’re interested in, and chances are it’s not something on a checklist.”
So instead of looking for red flags, maybe you can look for qualities you like in another person.
Manly tends to agree.
“We are all imperfect,” he said. ‘We’re all going to have quirks. And if someone is doing something that doesn’t hurt you, maybe it’s a growth opportunity for your ability to be more tolerant, for your ability to accept imperfections.’