Dear Vicky,
I’m 22 years old and have been working at my local car wash for three years. Ever since my father died on duty when I was 16 (he was a police officer), money has been really tight, so instead of going to college I took two jobs and this is one of them. Last year I was promoted from car wash attendant to janitor and was offered a very small pay raise that I didn’t negotiate (and there are now attendants who make a bit more than I do as a janitor).
I mention this because I was given new responsibilities, including cleaning the interior of cars. Often, while cleaning, I find loose change under the mats or between the seats, which I started saving. No one would notice anyway. In the last few months, it has gotten worse: I am stealing coins from the center console compartment and one of the customers noticed and filed a complaint. I denied any involvement, but it made me realize the risk I am taking. The point is, I have continued doing it. Why can’t I stop?
EM, by email
It’s very difficult when we feel stuck, acting in ways that don’t represent us, that we know are self-destructive, and yet we can’t stop. In my experience, unless you understand why you’re doing it, it’s going to be hard to change your behavior.
It seems to me that one emotion that may be on the surface in you is anger, writes VICKY REYNAL
From what you’ve told me in your email, I get the sense that there may be a number of emotional factors fueling this behavior. There is usually no single solution to a problem, but rather an interplay of multiple motives and issues involved.
It occurs to me that one emotion that may be running high in your case is anger. You may feel angry at your employer for not paying you what you consider a fair wage, or angry at yourself for not negotiating a higher salary at the time. These feelings may be driving your desire to “claim something in return” and while you may not be stealing directly from your employer but from clients, the unconscious mind is not so linear and “stealing in the workplace” could be how you deal with your anger in the workplace.
However, the loss of her father is also recent, and even if his death was not the trigger for the theft, the feelings at play could have “hooked” on to other feelings that were there beneath the surface and that are related to the loss of her father, such as anger, frustration, and feeling robbed.
Anger is a natural response to grief. When someone dies, we may feel abandoned by that person, even if we rationally know it was not their choice; we may blame them or their decisions, in this case, their career choice.
At other times, we might blame their “lifestyle choices” when someone dies for health reasons. But you might also feel a great deal of frustration at the injustice and unfairness of it all; that it was them, and not the perpetrator, who lost their life. You may now feel left with grief and financial worries that may have robbed you of the teenage years you wanted.
All of this could be part of what drives you to steal – in other words, it’s an expression of a grievance that has to do both with work, but perhaps also with the loss of your father. You may feel that you are owed something.
What can you do with these feelings? Well, when it comes to your grief, it’s a process that takes time. Don’t ignore your feelings, but find ways to express them so they lose their power, such as writing them down, talking to someone you trust, or even getting grief counseling.
When it comes to work, it seems like it might be more useful to have a conversation about your salary rather than seeking justice in such a dangerous way that could jeopardize your job and cause you to end up in a worse situation, with even greater financial anxieties.
If you agree to a fairer wage, you will not hold resentments while doing your job and stealing will no longer seem so tempting.
