The powerful and beautiful made the annual pilgrimage to the Hinckley Hilton for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner this weekend.
And, for an event that has declined in recent years, Saturday night’s ‘nerd prom’ turned into a satisfyingly wild evening, with something for every narcissist in attendance!
You’ve all read about President Joe’s surprisingly jocular speech and Colin Jost’s naïve, soy-boy response. But this is what No Hear about it, straight from the mouth of this tartan horse.
As I gossiped and laughed around the stupendously large DC ballroom, I watched the real Wonder Woman Lynda Carter, 72, flirting mercilessly with younger men, proving that when you’ve got enough guns in your holster, guys still drool mercilessly. matter your age.
I saw the real Wonder Woman Lynda Carter, 72, flirting mercilessly with younger men, proving that when you have enough guns in your holster, guys still drool no matter your age.
Billy Porter stayed in the hotel bar to cheekily pose for selfies with curious fans who recognized him. And MSNBC’s snooty Ari Melber approached Lara Trump, who was in court in full view of the cameras. (Which were they talking about?)
Meanwhile, Chris Pine, hirsute and ultra-tanned, looked like Ron Burgundy at the end of Anchorman, shoved into an irrelevant corner and shouting, “Milk was a bad choice!”
Perhaps he was licking his wounds, unable to match the sexy star power of the almost unrecognizable Kyle MacLachlan (Trey from ‘Sex and the City’), who looked like an ordinary lobbyist with his shock of white hair and professorial glasses.
This is what you didn’t hear, straight from the mouth of this stuttering horse.
Well-coiffed Caitlyn Jenner was accosted by the pathetic crowd of pro-Hamas teenagers who camped outside the hotel, ineffectively rhyming their woke words and not changing their minds as they harassed the great and good.
Caitlyn showed me videos on her phone of Gen Z fans trying to pressure her, forgetting that they were facing one of the strongest Olympians of all time.
The keffiyeh didn’t know anything. She was lucky her gold medal hands weren’t still gripping the javelin and instead all she did was give them the middle finger and yell at them: ‘Give me your names, cowards.’ I’ll make you famous!’
I met the handsome Jon Hamm and his delightful wife Anna Osceola and told them the story of how I met Hamm’s Mad Men co-star John Slattery when I was an 18-year-old radio intern living in Los Angeles.
I briefly dated Slattery’s roommate and surreptitiously played him a pre-release cassette of Nirvana’s ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ to which Slattery responded, ‘Turn this off! It’s rubbish!’
Another John was hiding by the bathrooms, looking like a sad bag of nonsense in need of a nap: Fetterman, of course, in his usual hoodie and shorts.
Is it really that hard to put on a shirt, John? And if so, is he really qualified to hold the position?
The hirsute, ultra-tanned Chris Pine looked like Ron Burgundy at the end of Anchorman, shoved into an irrelevant corner and shouting, “Milk was a bad choice!”
Billy Porter stayed in the hotel bar to cheekily pose for selfies with curious fans who recognized him.
I met the handsome Jon Hamm and his delightful wife Anna Osceola and was able to tell them the story of how I met Hamm’s Mad Men co-star John Slattery when I was an 18-year-old radio intern.
Another John was hiding by the bathrooms, looking like a sad bag of nonsense in need of a nap: Fetterman, of course, in his usual hoodie and shorts.
The evening had some sweeter moments: Our surf and turf steak with shrimp was still hot, the Veuve was flowing, and journalist Evan Gershkovich received the momentous ovation he and his family deserved amid his ongoing criminal detention in Russia.
The president, who was clearly filled to the brim with his usual cocktail of toddler blood and antifreeze, wowed the mostly sympathetic crowd with some one-liners: ‘Donald has had some rough days lately. We could call it stormy weather!
As his spray tan shined, he took his seat to make way for SNL’s Colin Jost, who started off strong but ended up with his head in the President’s butt.
Some of his most memorable comments: ‘The last time I was in DC, I left my cocaine at the White House’… ‘It’s not easy to follow President Biden. I mean, it’s not always easy to follow what he says ‘…’Obama has Bin Laden, you have OJ’!
But as the roast heated up, Jost became toothless and basically supported Joe by saying, ‘You’re so decent, you remind me of my dead grandfather!’
Oh, put a shrimp in it!
If Scarlett Johansson’s comedy became stale, her wife was as fresh as they come.
If Scarlett Johansson’s comedy became stale, her wife was as fresh as they come.
It pains me to write this, but our painfully mediocre Veep shined on the stage in a spectacular sequin dress.
A special mention must also be made of Fran Drescher, who wore a low-cut and provocative white bridal pantsuit.
Timeless and tasty in Armani Privé, you can hardly blame her shy husband for constantly reminding the public that he married her. (We can’t believe it either, Colin!)
It pains me to write this, but our painfully mediocre Veep shined on the stage in a spectacular sequin dress. I guess a broken watch is twice as elegant per administration.
A special mention must also be made of Fran Drescher, who wore a low-cut and provocative white bridal pantsuit. If you’re going to command this house of cards, you might as well show your aces!
With the world as crazy and uncertain as ever, with real lunatics protesting in support of the terrorists right outside the hotel, it seemed more than appropriate to raise a glass to freedom and the Fourth Estate.
Maybe next year all our problems will be solved and we can turn our attention to buying Senator Fetterman some big pants… Here’s to that!