I don’t know what the White House quack had put in his IV, or if ol’ Joe dabbled in Hunter’s club dust, but if PepsiCo can bottle whatever juiced President Brittle Bones for 67 minutes last night, they have a billion. -product in dollars.
Biden shuffled into the House chamber with a 1,000-watt smile, kissing and sniffing every 75-year-old lawmaker he could get his hands on, and was on fire in his third State of the Union address.
Full of ‘Get Off My Lawn’ energy (like Popeye if he swapped spinach for suede), Joe was greeted with a hero’s welcome from Democratic fans.
‘Four more years,’ they chanted as Tripsy Magoo staggered to the lectern, pausing infuriatingly every three feet for a sloppy handshake and a clumsy selfie with an anonymous MP.
More like ‘Grease the gears’.
Can please Get on with it, I thought.
On the right side of the aisle, lively Republican satirist Marjorie Taylor Greene was wearing a Trump 2024 hat and looking like a washed-up rodeo clown who had attacked the melon too many megaphones.
She hung around waiting for the President to walk by so she could wave a ‘Laken Riley’ button in his face.
Laken, a 22-year-old nursing student from Georgia, was brutally murdered by an illegal immigrant last month.
So, did the president ‘say his name’ during the speech?
Ok I try.
More on that later.
Full of ‘Get Off My Lawn’ energy, like Popeye if he swapped spinach for tops, Joe was greeted with a hero’s welcome from Democratic fans.
On the right side of the aisle, lively Republican satirist Marjorie Taylor Greene was wearing a Trump 2024 hat and looking like a washed-up rodeo clown who had attacked the melon too many megaphones.
Our suspiciously vigorous president began on an odd note as most of the country watched to see if he would walk off the stage mid-speech or face-plant into the laps of the Supreme Court justices.
He didn’t talk about the illegal immigration crisis or crushing inflation, twin plagues pushing his polls so far south that they require a Mexican passport.
No, he dove headlong into Ukraine, attacked President Donald Trump (ominously known only as his ‘predecessor’ 13 times!), lamented on January 6, and coined a new slogan that his blue-haired niece will repeat with an air of smugness at the next family barbecue: ‘You can’t love your country just when you win!’
Michelle Obama might need that embroidery on a pillow.
This was not a State of the Union address. It was the relaunch of the relaunch of Biden’s stalled campaign.
And while this low-bar performance may have given staunch Democrats a modicum of hope that he will limp across the finish line in November, any sensible American saw it as another polarizing tirade indicative of a nation. circling the dirty porcelain pot.
SOTU’s drinking games encouraged spectators to shoot every time Sleepy Joe blurted out ‘Corn Pop’ or ‘Come on man!’. But luckily none of that happened, so my liver was the designated survivor.
Soon enough, though, Joey (squinting and slurring) did he crushes his words and intermittently spits out incomprehensible gibberish. (Reader note: ‘woewewade’ in Biden-speak means Roe v. Wade)
Sitting behind the president, Vice President Harris looked like a master of ceremonies watching a drunk acrobat walk a tightrope without a net. He obediently did squats all night, up and down and up and down, clapping as the thought bubble above his head said, ‘Am I president yet?’
His counterpart on the stage, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson, looked like an off-Broadway Patrick Bateman. The cushion of his seat molded around his butt, as he comically shook his head and rolled his eyes disapprovingly.
Of course, there were lies and blatant exaggerations.
His counterpart on the stage, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson (above, right), looked like an off-Broadway Patrick Bateman. The cushion of his seat molded around his butt, as he comically shook his head and rolled his eyes disapprovingly.
As Biden walked out of the chamber, he was surrounded by sycophants like Rep. Poopie Pants (Jerry Nadler, left), who waddled up to him and tried to hump his leg. “No one is going to talk about ‘cognitive impairments’ now,” Nadler croaked in the audio captured by hot microphones.
Biden eagerly took credit for the decline in the national crime rate which had recently reached historic levels under his Democratic ‘Defund The Police’ campaign. And he touted a failed bipartisan immigration bill even though his stupid “open borders” borders have allowed roughly 10 million immigrants into the country since he took office.
That’s all you can hope for. But what you can’t forgive is being boring.
President Trump always understood the incredible emotional impact that human spirit stories have on voters of all parties.
At his 2018 SOTU was Ji Seong-ho, a disabled North Korean defector who lived on rocks and discarded corn cobs for 6 years while walking to freedom on homemade wooden crutches, which he waved bravely in the air as the sobbing gallery applauded . wildly.
Who did Biden invite?
Newly appointed Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson, a smiling, waving Nordic nerd who giggled like a teenager happy to be at her first Taylor Swift concert.
Grumpy Old Joe then scolded the Sour Supreme for quashing the woewewade (see above) and blamed it all on ‘my predecessor,’ even though abortion now fails to address the dozen major issues that Americans list as most concerning.
Newly appointed Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson (center), a smiling, waving Nordic nerd who giggled like a teenager happy to be at her first Taylor Swift concert.
The bar-drunk Taylor-Green, known for calling the president a “liar” during last year’s national debacle, predictably interrupted to demand that Biden say the name “Laken Riley.”
Runaway government-induced inflation has shrunk the U.S. dollar, but Biden rambled on about “counterinflation,” eliminating “junk rates” and reducing “cable bills.”
This wasn’t a “we choose to go to the moon” speech.
The bar-drunk Taylor-Green, known for calling the president a “liar” during last year’s national debacle, predictably interrupted to demand that Biden say the name “Laken Riley.”
Joe seemed to rise to the moment, pulling out his own button, before messing up his name and melting into a puddle of confusion.
‘Lincoln Riley, an innocent young woman who was murdered by an illegal, that’s right. But how many thousands of people are being murdered by the legal ones?
What does that mean? She could hear the blood vessels bursting in Kamala Harris’s eyes.
The wheels really came off the rusty wagon when Joey Scramble Brains got out of control.
He invited his detractors to join him on a flight to Moscow to consume his low-priced medications. Duh-Oh!
And he tried to hit out at the greedy candy conglomerates by complaining that Snickers bars are getting less fun. “They charge you the same amount and you get, I don’t know, 10 percent less Snickers.”
Joe seemed to rise to the moment, pulling out his own button, before messing up his name and melting into a puddle of confusion.
Laken, a 22-year-old nursing student from Georgia, was brutally murdered by an illegal immigrant last month.
Don’t even get him started on DumDums or Tootsie Pops.
The zenith of his speech came as Biden, fortunately, neared the end: the strength of the prescription cocktail he was taking was surely beginning to weaken.
The big idea: tax increases! Certainly the kind of American ingenuity that will take the nation to new heights.
“Look, I’m a capitalist,” Joe said for the billionth time. ‘You can win a million or millions of dollars, that’s great. Just pay your fair share in taxes.
Here’s the deal, Joe: once your kids, Hunter and Ashley, and your brother Jim start paying their “fair share,” then we can talk about everyone else.
As Biden left the chamber, he was surrounded by sycophants like Rep. Poopie Pants (Jerry Nadler), who approached him and tried to hump his leg.
“No one is going to talk about ‘cognitive impairments’ now,” Nadler croaked in the audio captured by hot microphones.
“Sometimes I wish I were cognitively impaired,” the president responded inexplicably.
Someone bring the syringe!
Dad needs another dose of geriatric punch.