<!–
<!–
<!– <!–
<!–
<!–
<!–
My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. We live together and a few months ago we decided to get married because it seems to be important to her. I’ve always been less enthusiastic about marriage because my parents divorced when I was a teenager and it was a horrible process.
As a couple I’d say we’re pretty good with money, but six months ago I received a pretty sizable inheritance after the death of my great-aunt and I didn’t tell her about it.
My fiancée uses money wisely, so I’m not concerned that this would change her spending habits. And now I realize that I kept it a secret for too long – if I tell her now it will cause a huge fight. But we have started exploring whether we can buy an apartment together, so it is relevant information that I have to disclose. What should I do?
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Often secrets are not consciously planned in advance; they just ‘happen’. However, this does not mean that they are accidents: when we keep something from our partner, we can express difficult emotions.
In your case, I’m wondering if it’s possible that you’re harboring some difficult feelings toward your fiancé because he’s insisting on you getting married, which you’re ambivalent about. I wonder if this has upset you and perhaps, instead of having another confrontation about the reasons why you don’t want to get married, you have agreed to it, but are unknowingly staging a protest by keeping this financial secret.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal wonders if the letter writer harbors difficult feelings towards his fiancée for insisting they get married
Your ambivalence about marriage is related to painful past experiences, which may have made you afraid to enter into such a commitment. You usually like to keep some distance in relationships. And now that this distance is threatened by the engagement, you may keep this secret to maintain the feeling that you have been withholding something, because everything about it creates overwhelming fears or anxiety.
There may of course also be other reasons. Maybe you don’t trust yourself with the money, and you’re afraid that if you tell your partner, it will become “real” and you won’t be able to use it wisely.
Or perhaps people in your family have been predatory when it comes to money and on some level you fear that this will happen in your relationship as well.
What must we do? Understanding why you may have withheld this information will put you in a better position to have a conversation with your partner, as soon as you feel ready.
Keeping the secret is rarely a good option.
In addition to the secret, you will also have to deal with the feelings that led you to withhold this information and the guilt about this financial infidelity.
You may be afraid of conflict – many people are – but couples can grow from it as long as it is managed well. You must speak with respect and listen to each other.
It can be important to express the fears that have created this secret so that they are not played out permanently by other forms of infidelity, as sometimes happens.
Your partner may be understanding, or at least you may feel relieved for expressing your fears.
Plus, as Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”