The turkey is basted, the vegetables are prepped, and the plant-based mulch is thawed for the vegans.
Soon his extended family will arrive, whose travels so far have not been affected by any setbacks, judging by the 67 WhatsApp messages that give him a step-by-step account of his progress. What can go wrong?
Four hours later, it turns out the answer is “quite a bit.” Because while there was no disaster big enough to cancel Christmas, you, the unlucky hostess, definitely have.
Your only consolation is that you are not alone. Also on the naughty step are her husband, her mother-in-law and poor Uncle Bert, whose “crime” was calling his 19-year-old great-niece a “cookie” while the two of them were pulling one out.
Apparently this is sexist, and her defense of Uncle Bert: ‘He meant it as a compliment!’ – has been taken as evidence of his own clearly unwoke credentials.
In today’s strict court of public opinion, when it comes to expressing an opinion, you can never be too careful.
Wherever generations come together, there also arises the prospect of a “cancellation,” that is, when a person believed to have done or said something inappropriate is shunned or boycotted. Which makes Christmas an especially risky time.
Forget about making dinner, this year my advice is to spend at least an hour preparing an exclusion list of topics that should remain strictly off-limits.
Wherever generations come together, there also arises the prospect of a “cancellation,” that is, when a person believed to have done or said something inappropriate is shunned or boycotted.
Fifty years ago, it was simply a matter of “not mentioning the war.” In 2024, the list of banned topics extends to politics, gender, immigration, climate change, taxes, mental health, wages and the John Lewis Christmas advert.
Everything is a potential source of offense: the prawns in the prawn cocktail, which almost certainly do not come from sources sustainable enough for their environmentally friendly cousin; those miserable crackers, symbols not of holiday cheer but of rainforest destruction because of the plastic toys and paper hats they contain.
A friend of mine said it all started last year at her front door, when her 17-year-old nephew vehemently objected to the Ring doorbell as an invasion of privacy. ‘What do you plan to do with the video recordings?’
Could your turkey get you cancelled? Unless it’s a KellyBronze, thankfully off-the-shelf, costing the same as a small family saloon, you could be in trouble. Obviously, you’ve bought a vegetarian option: something called Tofurkey, which you hope tastes better than it looks.
Do you have time to get a bigger oven? Rearrange the cooking program now so that the pigs in vegetable blankets can be cooked separately from the meat ones. Likewise, keep roasts made with goose fat away from their olive oil-soaked cousins. Remember when Emily spit on the “wrong” guy last year in a really quite theatrical gesture of disgust?
At lunchtime, you will have to be alert. If you decide to have background music, be prepared to jump as soon as you hear the first few bars of Fairytale Of New York, in case it’s the uncensored version.
Of course, just like Boxing Day lunch, some conversations get heated. Gregg Wallace, you know better than to mention it, but you have a suspicion that your aunt has an irrational hatred for poor Dawn French and that your mother loves that M&S advert.
Be especially attentive at that time of the afternoon when everyone retreats, drunk and exhausted, to the living room. This is when tensions rise and cancellation is easily triggered.
Laura Craik gives her best advice on how NOT to get canceled this Christmas
When choosing which Christmas movie to watch, young people will go one way and older people will go another, and everyone will have an opinion. The Santa Claus? Sizeist. The holidays? Sexist. Jingle all the way? Capitalist. Love, really? Actually, problematic. Let’s all play charades?
Clearly, charades are a dumb idea. Uncle Billy can barely stand, Grandma Eileen will have lost her hearing aid, and no one under the age of 20 will have any idea how to play a game that doesn’t include a screen.
Even washing dishes is complicated. You might think that escaping to the kitchen gives you a break from walking on eggshells, but no, you’re not safe even here. A plastic pot scrubber? You are destroying all aquatic life! You should have bought one made from vulcanized kale for £199.99!
My best advice of all? Dig into the Baileys chocolate (who knows if the cream in it is organic and, frankly, who cares) and turn on Gavin & Stacey. Before anyone tries to cancel James Corden for something he said in 1999, turn it up so loud even Grandma Eileen can hear it.
Family harmony will briefly reign and teenagers might even look up from their phones. Let all thoughts of cancellation fade away with Uncle Bert’s increasingly loud snoring, and peace and goodwill will prevail at least until Boxing Day… as long as no one opens their mouth.