The term ‘mother almond’ refers to a legendary clip from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, 2013. In it, supermodel Gigi Hadid complains to her mother that she feels weak from eating ‘about half an almond’.
Her mother, Yolanda, suggests that she “eat a couple of almonds and chew them very well.” She caused an outcry at the time and has now resurfaced and gone viral on TikTok, with users submitting neurotic mothers for forcing their healthy eating obsessions on their children.
The joke spans mainstream diet culture, with mantras like “You’re probably not hungry, you’re just bored.” O thirsty! – and parodies a new generation of nutrition-obsessed mothers concerned with #nourishing their young.
In theory, this means feeding your kids “wellness” staples like kimchi, nut butter, and various unappetizing “swaps” (hello, avocado chocolate mousse). In practice, it means watching your children’s diets to ensure there are no processed foods. These are the kids who get grapes for sweet tricks and are McDonald’s virgins at age 11.
I’d love to say I don’t recognize any of this in myself, but having grown up in the 90s obsessed with superfoods and three sugar-crazy kids, I know I’ve dabbled.
It caused an outcry at the time and has now resurfaced and gone viral on TikTok, with users submitting neurotic mothers for forcing their healthy eating obsessions on their children.
Low points include dousing beetroot juice into yogurt as “pink pudding” and shoving popsicle sticks into bananas and freezing them in breast milk storage bags.
In defense of almond chrysanthemums, do we have a choice? Nutrition advice comes to our throats since pregnancy.
We must be ‘treaters’, but not controllers. Children need to understand ‘the importance of a healthy diet’, but they should not view food as ‘good or bad’.
Perhaps the only sensible response, like TikTok, is to laugh and take our quiz.
FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF ALMOND MOM YOU ARE
Naturally, your children start the day with porridge. But how?
A) With sachets of artisan oats from the Moma brand. It was blueberry, until they discovered cocoa.
B) With defrosted raspberries and cinnamon. You insist that the red porridge is ‘jam’ and swear that you have ‘mixed all the sugar together’.
C) Steel cut oats with raw egg for protein, turmeric for immunity, and kefir for the gut. You Instagram it fast in case it’s regurgitated (even though it already looks sick).
In defense of almond chrysanthemums, do we have a choice? Nutrition advice comes to our throats since pregnancy. Stock image used
Do you use food as a reward?
a) Not in public.
B) Never, it is always a pending issue with the grandparents.
C) Sure, but it’s all good! They do homework for mom.
Gluten free beetroot brownies.
What treatment situation do you monitor?
B) The cinema. You bring your own unsalted popcorn and run past the pick ‘n’ mix.
C) Squeezed agave syrup. Although, to be honest, you do monitor yourself around those things.
What are your children’s associations with cauliflower?
A) You once tried a ‘healthy cauli cheese’ for a playdate, which no one ate.
B) They think they don’t like it, but you usually pass it off as rice.
C) They love baked leaves with olive oil and chili #sobueno.
At a hotel breakfast buffet, your child chooses Frosties, a chocolate muffin, salami, and a doughnut. What do you do for a living?
A) You’re too hungover to step in and tell yourself “life is all about balance.”
B) Smile, but start mentally planning the crudités for the afternoon. They won’t need lunch, will they?
C) That would not happen.
performative almond mom
You make a big line at low-sugar cookies for bake sales and after-school rice cakes. Behind closed doors there are many nuggets and hastily bought ice cream for a quiet life. And the more ‘cheat day’ foods you eat, the more you’ll push coconut water and vegan products onto your kids. This somehow makes you feel better.
Foxy Almond Mom You’re obsessed with what your kids eat and turn them on with homemade versions of processed treats. This started with Annabel Karmel’s ‘hidden vegetables’ pasta sauce and you get excited when your child inadvertently ingests a bell pepper. You dilute the juice and lament the era when donuts were thought to be whole-grain bagels.
Almond Preacher Mom With Gwyneth Paltrow as your idol, you firmly believe that ‘we are what we eat.’ This means that her children are asparagus bathed in butter bean hummus. You also think they’ll self-destruct if they eat anything sweeter than a fig. What’s more, you aspire to #tenveggiesaday and fear E numbers in Calpol more than any disease.