Embattled President Biden’s last gasp of power included a letter to congressional Democrats on Monday, bullying lawmakers in his party into submission.
“I am firmly committed to continuing in this career,” he scribbled. But before you read Sleepy Joe’s authentic language, here’s my… I mean, the original draft:
Democrats deer,
I’m Jill Biden’s husband and she and Hunter told me to write to you lying dog-faced pony soldiers, as my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to say in that movie.
Did you watch the debate? I’m not sure if I did.
But you can’t replace me because Barack says I’m not done yet.
And by God, man. I’m the best senator ever, the Lord Almighty said so. I wouldn’t run again if I wasn’t the best qualified for the job.
My record is subject to challenge:
Embattled President Biden’s last gasp of power included a letter to congressional Democrats on Monday, bullying lawmakers in his party into submission.
Every morning I put on my special shoes ready to kick lying alley cat Trump in his fat orange face.
Then I take a nap or play with my dog. The Secret Service agents love it when I chase them around the South Lawn.
To anyone who says I’m too old, I say: Look at me (between 10am and 4pm).
But listen, guys, there’s no nonsense here: the other guy is a lying, dangerous dictator who’s not very good at golf.
I’m a six handicap. Or an eight… but I’d rather not get into that.
Did I tell you about the time I got arrested trying to see Willie Nelson? I mean, Nelson Mandela.
You really want to judge me on 90 bad minutes on a bad night and not on my 300 bad years in Congress? Let’s do the math!
I received over 400 billion, sorry, million votes, several from people who are not dead. All the polls I’ve read are not in my favor. I have almost an infinite number of delegates. That’s one for each of Hunter’s baby mamas.
But honestly, folks, you better get in line because you’re giving Kamala ideas. She even tried to push me down the steps of the White House.
‘I’m Jill Biden’s husband and she and Hunter told me to write to you lying dog-faced pony soldiers, as my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to say in that movie.’
So let’s get things straight: I created NATO like a chocolate chip, saved Israel, and eliminated Corn Pop, who was even worse than Vlad Putin.
The stakes are high. The world is falling apart. And I can’t remember if I left the stove on. But I know a plastic surgeon who can make it all better.
Also, I was talking to the new British Prime Minister, Maggie Thatcher, who says I look just like Ronald Reagan. Isn’t that a gun? Plus, it smells good.
My top adviser, Hunter, says we need four more years until we can finally defeat Medicare, end Social Security and settle accounts with the Chinese.
So, believe me, I can beat Mitt Romney. And if I don’t, well, at least I answered all the questions and did my best.
Dear,
The first black woman to serve under a black president
President Kamala?
If America’s vegetable-in-chief is cooked right, will Cackling Kamala top the 2024 Democratic ticket?
A top Biden fundraiser said he would prefer a “dead” Joe over his useless vice president. But progressive Democrats don’t care.
They are desperate to anoint the party’s word salad chef over its other dim bulbs.
“How the fuck are they going to put all these white people ahead of Kamala?” former Democratic National Committee chair Donna Brazile said last week.
Oh, the irony would be creamy enough to eat if these “champions of democracy” subverted democracy by overthrowing an old president to replace a hand-picked failure.
Confrontation with the First Lady
Make-America-Gawk-Again.
Always impeccably dressed, Melania Trump was photographed in New York on Monday night wearing a red Valentino dress and matching lacquered Louboutin pumps.
So, Anna Wintour, where is she? his A close-up of Vogue?
The old fashion magazine snubbed the former First Lady during her tenure in the White House.
Meanwhile, our current and much less elegant Lady of the Oval Office, Jill MacBiden, has been on the cover. three times!
Always impeccably dressed, Melania Trump was photographed in New York on Monday night wearing a red Valentino dress and matching lacquered Louboutin pumps.
Harry deserves grant
Prince Harry is reportedly “stunned” by the negative reaction to the news that he is the recipient of this year’s Pat Tillman Service Award, an honor named after the late NFL star turned national hero who left sports after 9/11 to serve in Afghanistan.
Don’t get me wrong, Ginger Whinger is the most annoying British product by far. But his own military service and his efforts to create the annual Invictus Games for wounded ex-soldiers are admirable credits to his otherwise disreputable hat, and more than qualify him for the Tillman Prize.
To suggest otherwise would make you look totally foolish.
Big butt, big problems
Instagram ‘model’ and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is OUTRAGED that her delicious thirst traps accidentally caught honey badger Kanye West.
The crazed (and married) rapper allegedly broke into her DMs and wrote, “Wanted to see if you guys wanted to hang out and listen to the new album.”
This influencer was not flattered.
“I don’t think it’s acceptable to message other women when you’re married,” he told reporters, conveniently boosting his own social profile in the process.
Call me a cynic, but wasn’t this kind of person seeking all this attention in the first place?
Instagram ‘model’ and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is OUTRAGED that her delicious thirst traps accidentally caught honey badger Kanye West.
Red White, and WHO?
Every Fourth of July, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes celebrity “friends” to party with him at a lavish “White Party” in the Hamptons.
This cute little fella always makes sure to snap a cozy Instagram pic with the likes of Kim K, Khloe K, and Machine Gun K.
When I ask them if they’ll return the favor and invite Mini Michael to their respective Christmas parties, I’m guessing they’ll reply, “Michael who?”
Every Fourth of July, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes celebrity “friends” to party with him at a lavish “White Party” in the Hamptons.
Grandma went crazy
I have long suspected that senior living communities are plagued by lonely widows and time-poor libertines who pass them around like a reverse mortgage brochure. Now I have proof to prove it.
A new study found that sexually transmitted infections among the Centrum-Silver group skyrocketed a staggering 24 percent during the COVID pandemic.
They’re trading stocks faster than Nancy Pelosi!
I needed John!
Goodbye yellow and slippery road.
A French shopkeeper was horrified when Elton John waltzed into his luxury sneaker store and asked if there was a toilet he could use.
When the vendor said “no”, Elton is said to have let his little dancer loose to urinate in public into a plastic bottle!
The most shocking thing: the Frenchman had never heard of Rocket Man!
Well, now there is. With a few grams less weight, Elton used a towel to clean the splashes from the floor, bought some sneakers and left, but not before shaking the poor owner’s hand.
(tags to translate)dailymail