Every night as I travel home from London to Haywards Heath on the train, exhausted from my 11-hour day at the office, I close my eyes and fantasise about the same thing.
I’m not winning the lottery or a Hollywood hunk. No, I’m imagining the joy of coming home to a clean house and the glorious aroma of dinner cooking. But that’s all. A fantasy.
Instead, more often than not, I’m left with croissant crumbs on the work surfaces, dishes in the sink, crumpled paper on the floor that he aimed for in the trash and missed, and not even a sandwich waiting for me.
I usually make myself a quick omelette because my photographer husband Max is off to London to shoot a red carpet event. Before I go to bed I do a quick tidy up, which means Max comes home to a spotless house.
I’m not the only one looking jealously at their partner’s life at home. The number of men who have yet to return to the office after the pandemic while their wives suffer the daily commute is increasing dramatically, according to a recent report.
Sociologists believe this is due to the fact that women are much more likely to work in healthcare, education or retail, where remote working is not possible.
Claire Cisotti, assistant editor of the Daily Mail’s Royal Channel, admits she watches her husband Max’s life at home with jealousy.
As deputy editor of the Daily Mail’s Royal Channel, my alarm goes off at 5am and I leave the house 15 minutes later. I live a life on a military schedule. Before I leave, I write Max a note detailing some tasks I’d like him to do, some reasonable requests to lighten my load.
In the morning, I usually put the clothes in the washing machine (with the timer on to make sure it doesn’t wake Max) and ask him to let them dry.
You’ll put it on a clothesline in the laundry room when, in nice weather, you’d prefer it if you used the clothesline.
But after 25 years of marriage, I’ve learned to pick my battles, and getting Max to carry a basket of laundry into the yard is one I’ll never win.
I’m not going to get him to do the shopping or prepare meals either. He usually eats the same thing every day: biscuits for breakfast, croissant and Nutella for lunch and pizza for dinner. If I didn’t already know his food preferences, I could figure them out from the crumb trail.
Other things on her to-do list include emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and vacuuming. If I know she’s had a busy night and stayed up late, I don’t ask her to do much.
He’ll tick things off the list to show he’s done them, and to be fair, he generally does what he’s asked. I wish he didn’t have to leave a list in the first place, that he’d just realise what needs to be done. That said, he did iron a huge pile of laundry the other day, which made me very happy.
When the weekend comes, I am devastated and have virtually no social life. Whatever time I have is spent on household chores. I cook all the meals for the weekend, batch cook for the following week, and also prepare, cook, and deliver meals for my 82-year-old mother, who lives 15 minutes away from me and suffers from osteoporosis.
I do the shopping, change the bed linen, wash the floors, clean the bathroom, vacuum and water the plants in the garden.
On Sunday evening the house is spotless and that makes me very happy, although I know that on Monday evening it will again look like it has been moved in by teenage squatters. Three or four times a week we discuss the state of the house.
I understand that Max works on administrative and editing tasks when he’s home during the day, but his work isn’t continuous and he definitely has free time. I always fluff the couch cushions before I go to work, but I often come back to them and see a big Max-shaped dent, which is from him lying there watching TV.
This year we celebrated our silver anniversary and I made it clear to him that I am not going to spend another summer vacation taking care of others. I want to stay in a luxury hotel for two weeks and be waited on hand and foot. He agreed and paid for everything, so I am delighted with that victory (even though our 20-year-old daughter Mimi got the hotel).
When the kids were young, Max was a brilliant, hands-on dad to Mimi and our 24-year-old son Zac, who no longer lives at home. I just wish he was a little better at home now that they need him less.
I know that if the situation were reversed and I stayed home all day, the house would be spotless, the cupboards would be full, and my hard-working husband would never have to fantasize about having dinner ready for him. Why is it so hard for him to provide that for me?
Max works in administration and editing from the couple’s home in Haywards Heath, West Sussex.
Claire’s husband Max, 53, says: I’m sure if someone were to make a chore chart, detailing everything Claire and I did over the course of a year, it would be about 50-50. There are days when I’m busy and can’t get much done, and I’m often not home on the weekends, but over the course of a year, I’m sure the chore list would even out.
I do my administrative work during the day and then go out to shoot at night. Most nights I get home around midnight or 1am, so I’m still sleeping when Claire gets up and writes her daily to-do list for me.
I have no problem with the list. Lack of communication is one of the main causes of marital conflict, so it is helpful to know what is expected of each other.
However, if I had to make a small criticism, it would be better for me if she set a deadline for things, so that I would know if something was urgent or less important. It might be obvious to her, but not to me. If she clearly said that it had to be done immediately, then I would do it.
I will always prioritise my work over doing anything at home. Editing photos for a deadline will be the first thing I do after unloading the dishwasher. Claire calls me every day and gives me a little push to get things done. I don’t mind and it’s actually quite helpful because I’m forgetful.
Claire laments the state of the house when she returns home after 11-hour days at the office, especially considering she’s the one who makes sure it looks spotless on Sunday nights.
It’s true that Claire technically works longer hours than I do, but my job is very physical. When I’m out, I’m on my feet all the time, and I easily walk five or six miles at a time with heavy camera equipment. That’s led to back problems, which is why I’m so reluctant to mow the lawn, which annoys Claire.
Sometimes tiredness can make us picky with others. And I know my attitude towards food and meals really gets on her nerves. It’s not deliberate, I’m like most men in that I don’t think about food until I’m hungry.
I certainly don’t plan meals days or even hours in advance like she does. I try to make up for it in other ways. For example, last weekend I had a fantastic barbecue for the family. I also did a ton of ironing this week. The more I think about it, the more I think it would be unreasonable to suggest I don’t put in the effort at home.
I am very tidy and always clean everything I do. Claire could not have any complaints in that regard.
Okay, the stress of work probably makes me forget some things, but when I do something, I do it well and she never criticizes me, so I’m grateful.
We have reached 25 years and I would say that a large part of this is due to our great teamwork.”
- As told to Claudia Connell