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Getting engaged and starting a new life with someone is exciting, but one wedding therapist has warned that there are vital issues couples should discuss before putting a ring on that finger.
Landis Bejar, wedding therapist and founder of AisleTalk, explained that there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about getting married, and that could make or break relationships.
She mentioned talking about children, money, the role of extended family, culture and religion, as well as sex, as non-negotiable topics that should be thoroughly discussed before getting married.
Although many of these issues arise after the engagement, Bejar, who resides in New York, said Insider business information that couples shouldn’t wait until then to have conversations about these important topics.
“You have to make sure you’re not on the same page about life by the time you meet,” he said.
Landis Bejar, wedding therapist and founder of AisleTalk, explained that there are five crucial things that need to be discussed before even thinking about getting married, and that could make or break relationships.
talk about having children
Béjar recommends always talking about whether you want to have children before committing to a life together, but also about what having children would be like for you and your partner.
She told Business Insider that it’s important to establish not only how many children you want, but also what your partner’s views are on parenting.
‘How were you raised? What were your experiences being a father? What were your relationships with your parents like when you were a child and what are they like now? What do you imagine your ideal version of that would be if you wanted to become a parent? she listed.
The professional marriage therapist added that it is also important to spend time with children as a couple, and suggested spending time with children through a close friend or relative.
“It can invite a really fruitful conversation about how to manage stress: what their needs are, how they like to relate to each other,” she said.
Talk about your finances
Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Béjar said it is crucial to talk about it for the good of the relationship.
“You have to be on the same page because there is a lot of variability in what partners’ expectations are or how they manage their money,” he said.
The therapist also said it’s worth talking about the role money played in your life growing up, as it will affect how you feel about it throughout adulthood.
“All of that will affect the way you talk about money, the way you feel about money, the way you spend money, the way you invest money and the way you save money,” Béjar said.
“All of that is really rich in history, emotion and behavior, and can very easily be swept under the rug as if it’s not relevant in a relationship,” he added.
Although talking about money as a couple can be uncomfortable, Béjar said it is crucial to talk about it for the good of the relationship (file image)
Plan the roles your extended family plays
While it’s important to talk about what your nuclear family unit will be like, it’s also important to discuss the roles your extended family will play.
‘As you go from being a child of your family to creating your own family, how do you integrate those two identities?’ Bejar said.
The family therapist suggested talking logistically about how often you plan to see your in-laws and also what kind of role they will play as grandparents, as well as how you, as a couple, will handle parents and older relatives.
“You have to have an idea of where they stand on this and whether that’s going to be something that’s going to create challenges down the road,” Béjar said.
He continued: “We’re not going to come to an agreement right now, but maybe it’s something we should come to an agreement on in the future.”
Delve into culture and religion
If you grew up in a particular religion and your partner doesn’t have a similar background, there may be a middle ground to agree on.
Bejar explained that when two people come together, it is important to know what values they want to bring to their new life together, especially if they plan to raise children together.
“If you want to have a family, talk about what kind of values you would like to learn from your own upbringing,” she explained.
‘Do these conflict with your partner’s experience? What does that look like when you talk about it with kids?
Detail what your sex life will be like
Intimacy is a big part of a relationship, and Béjar said the power of talking about it shouldn’t be underestimated.
‘You want to talk about how you feel good sexually with your partner. “You want to talk about what doesn’t make you feel good,” he said.
“You have to have open lines of communication about sex,” he continued.
‘And you want to have open lines of communication about what to do if things change. How can we talk about that?