My sister bought my children gifts from a charity shop for Christmas. I’m angry but am I wrong to feel angry?
I always go out of my way to buy their kids nice Lego sets or a new doll from the latest Disney movie. Instead, he bought my kids second-hand toys that, frankly, are unsanitary and cheap.
Christmas comes only once a year. Surely you could have planned better to save up to buy them suitable gifts?
Anonymous, by email
The obvious reason for your decision to buy second-hand toys for your children could be financial difficulties or anxiety resulting from uncertainty, writes money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal responds: It seems to me that your feelings about your sister’s gifts could be touching on deeper emotions that relate to justice, giving and taking in relationships, and maybe even some unconscious fears on your part.
Your sister has behaved differently towards you and what you expect of her, and the resulting imbalance is perceived as unfair.
You may also find it disappointing and hurtful if you view their behavior as a lack of effort or attention. However, this may not have been the reason or intention behind her giving second-hand gifts to her children. Let’s consider why she might have made this decision and examine why you might feel such a strong emotional sting.
The obvious reason for your decision could be financial difficulties or anxiety resulting from uncertainty.
You might have split your budget smaller so you could spend more on your gift, thinking that for kids, it makes little to no difference whether a toy is new or used. And if they are very young, they may end up playing more with the wrapping than with the gift itself.
Your sister may have put a lot of thought into getting the best second-hand toy she could find or the one your kids would appreciate the most. It could even be that the choice of a second-hand toy was driven by the desire to be sustainable. Be open to the possibility that there may be a reasonable explanation behind your choice.
Having considered the possible reasons and allowing others to make decisions different from ours, think about why this has bothered you so much.
Could this be an old pattern with your sister where you feel like she always takes the “easy option” and you feel angry or even envious that she gets away with doing or giving less?
Having considered the possible reasons and allowing others to make different decisions than us, think about why this has bothered you so much, says Vicky, pictured.
You may have found yourself thinking, ‘This is so TYPICAL of her!’ In other words, the “cheap” gift is a symbol of how in other areas of life she gets away with doing the bare minimum and her anger about this has been building.
Could this be engaging in you an unconscious fear of exploitation? On some level do you hold a grudge because in relationships you are always the one who gives more than they receive? You may tend to overreact in situations in which you interpret the possibility of feeling deceived or taken advantage of in some way.
Or simply, your sister may be consistently spending far less than you spend on gifts and this has gotten on your nerves and needs to be addressed.
While we must accept that people are different in how they value spending money and the parameters they set around what is too much or too little, you can approach her in a calm, gentle tone and express your curiosity about why. bought a second-hand product. handheld toys for Christmas this year.
Maybe you say, “I wonder why you opted for second-hand gifts this year” and see if your response reassures you that it’s not a lack of care or effort. It may be that she has a different view on how much should be spent on children and may not have the same concerns about hygiene as you do.
We don’t all have to think the same way, but you can still choose how you will handle the imbalance next year. You can ask him if he wouldn’t mind spending the same amount on a new, smaller gift, or you can reduce your budget to correct the imbalance.
There are subtle dynamics that express themselves through our choice of gifts: you may still think “he did that on purpose” or “he wanted to let me down,” and if that’s the case, you can reflect on the broader dynamics of the relationship. . Was this an expression of anger or his unconscious envy of you?
These dynamics can develop without our full awareness and sometimes without the intention of hurting the other. Maybe Christmas isn’t the best time to uncover old, painful dynamics between siblings. Because with them there is usually also love. And Christmas is about connection and love.
While it’s okay to feel disappointed, focusing on the bigger picture (the joy and effort behind Christmas) can bring peace to family situations like this.
Do you have any questions for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk