How would you feel if you saw your ex-husband behaving the way you always wanted him to… with his new wife?
You did all the work trying to change it. You dragged him to therapy. Now you are reaping all the benefits.
The man who couldn’t or wouldn’t change during their relationship is now Mr Bloody Perfect with his new love.
It is a situation that is not uncommon, but that does not make it any less painful.
I spoke with a woman who just had this experience and with a man who could offer me a perspective from the other side.
*Some names have been changed.
Sexpert Tracey Cox (pictured) has spoken about how it can feel when your ex-partner becomes the person you hoped they would be, with a new partner.
WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT HER
“I’m trying to be happy for him, but I’m devastated. What does she have that I don’t have?”
Emily, 38, married her husband when they were both 23 years old.
‘I loved my husband and I still love him. But he changed dramatically from the man I married.
We married very young with the world to our oyster. But although my life went as I expected, his never did.
He had some disappointments in his career along the way, and that took away all his confidence and fight. He took to drinking and got into a bad mood.
We had always wanted to have children, but now he didn’t want to bring them into such a “horrible world.”
He became rude to our friends, especially those who were successful. I think he was embarrassed by how obviously he was failing at life.
I tried for a long time to help him get back to normal.
But addiction and low self-esteem are a powerful combination and I couldn’t win.
I lost hope that he would ever change and that made me feel as miserable as he did.
I finally left and he went downhill even more until his brother and his wife took him in.
They also became desperate but everything changed when they took him to a barbecue at his sister-in-law’s friend’s house. He started chatting with a woman who was at the party and they clicked.
She is younger than him and has been single for seven years; desperate to have children, willing to overlook some obvious flaws and try things out.
I was still hoping that the separation would make him come to his senses, change and come back to me.
But that didn’t happen. Instead, he transformed into the man she had always wanted with her.
In the space of a year, he went from being an overweight, unmotivated, negative and unpleasant man to someone who people admired, respected and wanted to be with.
He lost a lot of weight, barely drinks alcohol, eats healthy and is loved by all his friends.
He has a new job and (the final stab in the heart) she is pregnant.
Suddenly the world isn’t horrible enough to raise a child.
I try to be happy for him, but I’m devastated.
What does she have that I didn’t have? Why couldn’t he change for me? I know it’s stupid, but I feel like he made a fool of me.
A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
A man and woman (not pictured) have shared their perspective on what it feels like to change partners and change as a person (file image)
“For years, I saw myself reflected in the eyes of someone who saw every failure, every mistake, every mistake.”
Rick, 44, spent more than two decades trying to please his wife, Grace. He is finally thriving with a partner who accepts him as he is.
‘The saying: ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ is almost always the punchline to a joke.
But when you really feel that way, it’s not fun at all.
For the last three years of our 24-year marriage, I would say my wife actively hated me.
For her I was a bitter disappointment: I radiated from every pore of her body. She ridiculed everything I did.
She would roll her eyes at our friends if I dared express a different opinion than hers. It was obvious to everyone that she hated me.
Our sex life fell off a cliff after the children were born (they are now young adults). She was never affectionate and when I tried to hug or kiss her, she saw it as a request for sex and told me to “stop groping her.”
When we got married, I was an aspiring lawyer and intended to become a partner one day.
I’m not sure what happened (I don’t think I have the killer instinct that my colleagues have), but it became clear as the years went by that I wasn’t going to rise through the ranks. I didn’t want to.
I found my job boring and repetitive and wanted to try a new direction.
But she had married the package, not the man. They measured me by how much I earned compared to their friends’ husbands.
She didn’t want to know my dreams, she just punished me for her disappointments. That quickly turned into bitterness and resentment and then became just plain nasty.
In the end, after years of being put down and told I was something I wasn’t, I left. My children didn’t blame me.
I met my new partner about six months later. She was divorced with two children and I met her while I was going to school. We smiled at each other and then chatted.
At first we were friends and commiserated over our divorces. Then it transformed into something wonderful.
For years I saw myself reflected in the eyes of someone who saw every failure, every mistake, every mistake. It made me feel very bad about myself.
My new partner only sees the best in me. I’m bright and shiny and new to her, so that’s how I feel.
‘I have decided on a new career and my children, my family and my friends comment on how different I am. Yes, I have changed but carrots work better than sticks.
I have little to do with my ex-wife. Why would I do it? But I know she’s not happy for me.
She told our children that I am back to the man I was when I married her and she is angry that I didn’t stay that way with her.
“There’s nothing like decades of humiliation and verbal abuse to take someone’s life.”
HOW TO PREVENT IT FROM ENDING YOU
It’s normal to feel hurt, frustrated, and resentful if your partner is now living the life you wanted with them. Here’s how to stop those negative emotions from consuming you.
it’s not about you
Your personal journey is your personal journey. It is not a reflection of your worth or the success of your marriage. People evolve and sometimes it happens outside of marriage, not within it. It is not a criticism of you or the effort you made.
Focus on what is happening in your life.
Dwelling on your ex’s new relationship or marriage does nothing more than trap you in a toxic cycle of comparison and frustration. Instead, focus on yourself. Get therapy if you need it, surround yourself with friends with positive thoughts that encourage you to look forward and not back, be passionate about life, exercise, eat well and prioritize sleep.
Reframe the narrative
Instead of seeing the situation as if you failed and someone else won, see it as evidence that he did listen to you after all! You helped lay the groundwork, and while you may not be the one reaping the rewards, it did help you become a better partner in the long run.
You can’t control your ex’s behavior.
Or who he will become in the next relationship. Take comfort in the (very wise) Serenity Prayer: Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Take a deep breath and let yourself go with grace and dignity.
To find out more about Tracey’s blog, product range and podcast, visit traceycox.com.
