Straight and want to be better in bed?
Ask your gay and lesbian friends for a tip or two.
Yes, that’s right, those who sleep with people of the same sex.
Same-sex couples score better than heterosexual people in most sex studies, consistently across the board. Research shows they have better orgasms, more partnered orgasms, and more satisfying sex overall.
I have spent decades talking to many people of different genders and sexualities while writing and researching about sex.
Tracey has spent decades talking to many people of different genders and sexualities while writing and researching about sex (file image)
My conclusion is that the most difficult combination of all to get sexually right is a straight man paired with a straight woman.
Yes, I might be generalizing, horribly in some places. Not all heterosexual men and women behave a certain way and not all gay men and women do.
I am aware that I am buying into a lot of stereotypes here and for that I truly apologize. But there are important lessons to be learned.
WHAT STRAIGHT MEN CAN LEARN FROM LESBIANS
We all know about ‘the orgasm gap’: that during partnered sex, women have substantially fewer orgasms than men.
Sex expert Tracey Cox, pictured, lists what heterosexual couples can learn from same-sex couples.
Put a woman with a woman and that problem disappears. Women understand the importance of the clitoris in female orgasms. Many men don’t.
Foreplay begins long before direct stimulation begins
Lesbians can bathe or shower together first. Invariably, there will be lots of soft, deep kissing before directly touching the hot spots. Men travel quickly from zero to 100 on the arousal scale, women take longer to warm up.
Another woman knows it, she is more patient.
There is less pressure to hurry because nobody is in a hurry; her lover can relax and enjoy what is going on, without the stress of worrying about what will happen if she doesn’t reach the ‘goal’.
sex is fairer
Women are likely to change sexual roles with their female partners much more than heterosexual couples and tend not to divide into ‘giver’ and ‘taker’. There is often an element of ‘turn taking’: one person climaxes, then all attention turns to the pleasure of the other. This results in more satisfying orgasms overall.
sex is softer
One woman told me that she felt incredibly ‘safe’ having sex with another woman. The session is unlikely to include ‘hammered’ (hard and fast) thrusting, which makes many women feel like they are being used ‘to masturbate’. Not to mention the pain afterwards. An alarming number of women experience pain with penetration – if intercourse isn’t on the menu, it’s a relief.
You can have multiple orgasms…
When a man ejaculates, it usually means that sex is over. Because women can have multiple orgasms, a couple’s climax doesn’t mean things have to stop.
…or none at all no fuss
There is no need to pretend from woman to woman because women know that many things affect arousal, desire and orgasm. She may say, ‘I have PMT right now, so I probably won’t have an orgasm. However, she still feels charming! without hurt feelings. Women tend to be less goal-oriented: her ego isn’t as tied up with the whole ‘I made her orgasm’ thing.
Sex is not that structured
Because intercourse is not the main event, there is no beginning, middle, and end to the session. This can help prevent the pair from falling into a predictable format, which is then followed each time.
foreplay is sex
Lesbians know that all orgasms originate from the clitoris. There’s a generous focus and concentration on the kissing, lots of titty play and fingering, and (you guessed it) tons of oral sex.
They all effectively stimulate the clitoris and internal clitoris, something that (sadly) penises and intercourse do not.
They are witty and creative.
Many men only use one technique for manual labor: they push their fingers in and out of the vagina, completely neglecting the clitoris. Lesbians are more likely to use a variety of techniques that focus on the clitoris, including scissoring, rubbing the crotch area against each other.
They are not threatened by vibrators.
Lesbians don’t rely on a vibrator because there’s no need: they’re better at giving each other orgasms. But if a partner decides that she likes him or needs vibration to break up, there is often no issue or discussion as to why.
WHAT STRAIGHT WOMEN CAN LEARN FROM GAY MEN
So that’s what straight men can learn from gay women.
Here’s why gay men hold all the cards for straight women, too.
Pair a man with a man and you lose the feminine hook of ‘I can’t do that, it’s too out there /demeaning/’. Men are much less critical about sex and don’t think to ask ‘Should I like this?’ If they like it, they like it.
The reward is much more varied sex. Different positions, locations, props, tender sex, wild sex, using their hands, penises, tongues…. the sex life of the average gay couple exceeds that of a heterosexual couple.
There is so much to see and learn here!
They take what they want from sex
The concept of leaning back and waiting, fingers crossed, for your lover’s tongue to hit the right spot is a foreign concept to gay men. If your lover is not in the correct position, they are likely to move them or tell them to move. If the technique doesn’t work, they’ll probably say, ‘That doesn’t work. Do this instead.’ Why would you lie back and hope you have an orgasm when you can make sure you do by making suggestions, changes, adding accessories?
They are less obsessed with premature ejaculation.
Some women find it disappointing when their partner orgasms too soon. Homosexual men are less ‘judgmental’. The whole point of having sex is to cum, if that happens quickly, great! They have achieved their goal. It doesn’t mean that their mouths or hands have stopped working, and there is always a second time.
And talk if it’s going on for too long
Women have the educated gene. We are unlikely to say: “Hurry up!”. Men go to great lengths to make their partner climax and ask him what he needs or wants. But, if it lasts too long, they suggest you DIY while they watch.
Do you want to improve your sex life dramatically and instantly? Use lubricant more frequently. Heterosexuals drag it along for intercourse only; gay men use it for manual work, anal play, during long sessions, with sex toys, for everything!
they are not squeamish
Women can become apprehensive about semen. Gay guys see it as sexy. Who cares if it ends up all over the place or the freshly laundered sheets if the shoot was fantastic?
He has nipples too!
Straight women tend to ignore man boobs, even though they expect a lot of attention to be paid to theirs. Men know that the nipples can be a hot spot. (Though keep in mind the ‘could be’ part. Some men love having their nipples pinched, pulled, or even bitten down pretty hard right before orgasm; others hate it. Experiment, but don’t be offended if you pull your hand away.) .
Women touch men too gently. Men’s skin is thicker and less sensitive than ours – a firmer stroke and grip feels so much better for him.
anywhere but in the bedroom
Women often wait until they are in bed to initiate sex. Men will do it anywhere because their sex drive is more urgent. The bathroom, the bed, the kitchen sink, a tree in an isolated place – everything is used as props. Location, location, location. Ban bed!
Many women are too embarrassed to let their partner see them masturbate. Men like to show off and see their partner get turned on. Not only that, they watch closely to see what technique their partner uses, then retort when it’s their turn to pleasure.
they not the people please
We talked about how good the sex was afterward, even if it wasn’t. Men are not inclined to say much. ‘Why do you need to? It’s obvious if the sex was good or terrible!’ says a gay friend of mine.
You will find the two ranges of Tracey products in Love Honey. Find the link to Tracey’s blog, books and podcast at traceycox.com.