The beginning of a new relationship is both the best and worst time sexually for most couples.
It’s when lust is strongest because everything is fresh and new. But it’s also stressful, especially if you really like them because you’re both trying hard to impress, but have no experience with your partner’s body, sexual likes or dislikes.
Most of us just take a (literal) stab in the dark, do what our previous partners seemed to want, and cross our fingers.
With varying degrees of success.
The truth is, most couples have their best sex between one or two months after starting it, because it takes time to figure out what works and what doesn’t work for the two of you.
That’s why most of the things that worry us when we start having sex with someone new shouldn’t really be.
There are some clear and straightforward sexual red flags to watch out for – but this is definitely not one of them …
Tracey Cox has revealed the sex issues you don’t have to worry about with a new guy (stock photo)
He hasn’t had sex in ages
My new husband recently confessed that he hasn’t had sex in two years. He is in his mid-twenties and attractive. He says it ‘just happened like this’. Is this something to worry about? ‘
The number of men under 30 who do not have sex has nearly tripled in the last ten years.
We think the hook up generation is having casual sex all the time, but that’s just not true.
One-night stands are the norm rather than something to be ashamed of, young people are encouraged to explore their sexuality rather than squeeze themselves into the ‘straight’ box, and information about sex is readily available.
But young people are generally less sexually active than ever before.
This is also the generation that is the least likely to get up the property ladder, so privacy is an issue. If you still live with mom and dad, where are you going to have hot sex with the person you just met?
The three things you should be concerned about
He’s not that interested in sex. If you don’t like it too much, you don’t have to worry about anything. But if your libido is strong, it’s a sign that it isn’t.
Even the lowest sex drive gets a temporary boost at the beginning of a relationship when everything is new. If he’s not that fussed about sex right now, it’s only downhill from here.
He is selfish. Again, we’re usually most sexually generous at the beginning of a relationship when we’re out to impress.
If he’s only interested in one orgasm – his – and doesn’t ask what you need or want, alarm bells should be ringing.
If he’s selfish in bed, he’s likely to be selfish too.
Be especially suspicious of men who expect you to perform oral sex with them but refuse to answer.
He forces you to do something you don’t want to.
There is an alarming number of men who watch porn and think it reflects what is really going on in an average couple’s bedroom.
They see women being strangled and beaten and think that’s what women want them to do in real life.
Some people like rough sex, but many don’t. It also requires a high level of confidence that takes time to develop.
“ Enthusiastic consent ” means that unless you agree wholeheartedly to do something with your new partner, they definitely shouldn’t go there.
Unemployment is high, leaving many in their twenties feeling stressed – another libido killer. Social media puts a crippling pressure on not just finding a partner, but a photogenic one.
Then there is porn.
For many men, masturbating to porn is no problem at all – a much easier way to satisfy themselves than having to negotiate all of these issues.
That he hasn’t had sex in a long time is no longer a red flag for all these reasons.
It may indicate that his desire for sex is not extremely high (if it were, his motivation would also be high to find a solution to the obstacles). But it’s just as likely that sex just wasn’t a priority for him.
What’s more is saying how interested he is to have sex with you right now.
Not being able to get an erection
‘I’m used to dealing with premature ejaculation when you have sex with someone for the first time. But my new husband is having trouble getting an erection. I find it a bit offensive. In the beginning he should get really excited, right? ‘
Here’s the thing: he probably IS massively turned on.
Just because he can’t get an erection doesn’t mean he isn’t desperate to have sex with you.
It just means that he also desperately wants everything to be perfect – which is the perfect recipe for an old-fashioned case of performance anxiety.
The UK sex and relationship expert (pictured) also reveals the red flags to watch out for
The more anxious he is that everything has to be just the same, the less likely it will be.
The first time is a big deal for many men: they want to impress. For most men, this means having a penis of ‘acceptable’ size, getting a strong, hard erection easily, not reaching climax too quickly, and having the sexual skills to bring you to orgasm.
That’s a lot to worry about.
Penises don’t like stress – stress narrows blood vessels. An erection happens when blood pumps into the chambers of the penis and fills them with blood to make the penis hard.
Sexual performance anxiety prevents that from happening efficiently.
It’s also a lose-lose scenario: he’s worried that he won’t be able to perform, which leads to him not being able to perform, which means he’ll be even more anxious next time, meaning he’ll be even less likely to get an erection. And the cycle continues.
The more relaxed you are that he doesn’t get an erection on demand, the faster the problem will be resolved.
Let him know that it is normal that you don’t judge him for it, keep focusing that he is doing you a favor (through oral sex, using his fingers) and his confidence will grow.
Take the focus of penetrative sex and let him know that he doesn’t need an erect penis to satisfy you.
A watched pot never boils and neither does erections: the less attention you pay to his penis, the more likely he will get an erection.
His technique is awful and / or he is inexperienced.
‘I met a man I really like, but our first time in bed was just awful. He doesn’t seem to have a clue how to give oral sex and he immediately rushed into intercourse long before I was ready. I get the feeling that he is both inexperienced and clueless. What shall I do?’
Don’t panic! Technique can be learned and inexperience is resolved because he has sexual experiences with you.
Practice makes perfect.
As long as he’s open to being led, there’s really no problem.
First, try to use body language to get the message across.
If he does something you like, exaggerate your reaction: moan loudly, get closer, kiss him louder so he can’t help but get the message that you like what he does.
If you don’t like something, lift your body away from his touch or (better) realign his hand / mouth or penis.
Technique can be learned and inexperience resolved because he has sexual experiences with you, says Tracey Cox (stock photo)
Better yet, say, ‘Can you do it like this? That feels so great ‘.
Most men love to get constructive, tactful feedback in bed, especially in the beginning when they find out what you like and don’t like.
He’s mad at being ‘told what to do’ and terribly insulted that you dare to suggest he’s anything but perfect in bed?
This is a problem.
Not being able to talk about sex together is the strongest indicator of all that your sex life isn’t going to work.
At every level.
If your partner isn’t willing to talk about sex, you have no hope of solving any sexual problems you have now or in the future.
Let him know why it’s so important to have honest, open communication – and that if he can’t see that happening, it’s a deal breaker.
Tracey’s new book Great Sex Starts at 50 is available everywhere you buy your books. You can find her supersex and Edge product ranges at lovehoney and traceycox.com