They certainly aren’t shy about asking if you’d indulge their number one fantasy: a threesome (of course).
But when it comes to the more sensitive side of sex, many men feel too embarrassed to ask for what they really want.
Here are six of the sexual experiences you secretly crave…
TO BE TOUCHED AND CARESSED
He says: “When we have sex, it’s more a matter of ‘put that inside me and move on.’ I can’t remember the last time my wife touched me lovingly, let alone caressed me in a sexual way.”
The need for physical contact is a basic human requirement for emotional well-being, but it’s the first thing to go in a relationship where one of the partners doesn’t enjoy sex. If touching and kissing are considered a sign of sexual interest, you won’t do it if you don’t want to have sex.
Men desire to be kissed and caressed much more than women appreciate: they too crave affection.
I’m not sure people realize how terrible the consequences are when you stop having physical affection.
Without contact, men feel emotionally distant from their partners. Isolated and alone, they question their physical attractiveness and desirability. Intimacy in the relationship breaks down, making any sexual acts that occur seem mechanical and forced.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals the six sexual experiences men secretly crave – from being kissed and caressed to hearing you enjoy yourself.
I receive dozens of letters from men who have sex with little or no intensity and who tell me how unhappy they are because their wives show them no affection. Sometimes it is the caresses that they miss more than the sex.
Brighten your day: Tell him you’re nervous about touching him in case he misinterprets it as you wanting sex, and agree on a clear, spoken “I want sex” signal so the hugging, kissing, and spooning can resume.
TO SEE YOU NAKED AS LONG AS POSSIBLE
He says, “I swear she can strip and jump under the sheets in less than a second, and that was the only chance I had to see her naked.”
Men are highly visual creatures, and that’s one of the reasons why porn appeals to men, while reading erotica appeals more to women. Devouring your body with their eyes while having sex with you is one of their greatest pleasures, and one that is often denied to them. They do it with the lights off and under the covers in more bedrooms than you can imagine.
Body image is a big issue for many women – we feel self-conscious and ashamed of our bodies and we don’t feel comfortable being stared at. An admiring glance can come across as judgmental if you’re paranoid about your appearance. That’s why women often strip quickly when having sex – sometimes when he’s not even in the room – and then hide.
Brighten your day: Ask him to undress you or do it yourself, slowly. Think of stripping as a slightly sped-up striptease. If you feel shy or uncomfortable being watched, close your eyes.
TO SHOW HIM THAT YOU WANT IT
He says: “My wife has never initiated sex in the 18 years we’ve been together. That sends a clear message: I only have sex with you because you want me to.”
You’re right: not being the one to suggest sex sends strong messages. I don’t want you. I only have sex to please you. Sex with you isn’t pleasurable. You don’t please me in bed.
She initiates sex and it’s the most requested sexual act by men; it’s been at the top of their most desired list since I started writing about sex decades ago.
Brighten your day: Do this simple thing: initiate sex when you never or rarely do, and you will transform your sex life, no matter what sorry state it is in.
TO ENJOY A LITTLE PENIS WORSHIP
He says: “Women have no idea how embarrassing it is to have a penis that is too small. Having to laugh at all those jokes about the size, seeing the face fall when you reveal it for the first time. Our view of our penis is so tied to our identity that it seems like you can’t truly love us without loving it.”
There is no female equivalent to the penis. Our genitals are hidden out of sight, breasts can be altered to make them larger or smaller, orgasms can be faked. His penis is not just on display, with ejaculation as evidence of orgasm, there is still no successful operation to alter the length or width. Viagra may make him harder, but it won’t stop him ejaculating before he or you are ready.
Men are no less self-conscious than women when it comes to their private parts – let your man know that you fully appreciate him.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, affects the male ego more than the size and performance of his sexual organ. For some men, their entire self-esteem is shattered simply because they perceive that he is too small or that they reach orgasm too quickly.
Brighten your day: Let him know that his penis is the perfect size and shape for you and that what he does with it is fantastic. If he has erection problems or any other performance issues, don’t overreact. Let him know that it’s normal and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
TO BE CONGRATULATED
He says: “My girlfriend constantly praises me. She grabs my biceps in admiration when I come home from the gym; if something good happens at work, champagne and a celebration await me at home. I feel like a king. Many women don’t understand how insecure men are and how desperate we are for their approval.”
Men are socialized to chase women, using compliments to win them over. We were raised to expect compliments from men: to be told we are pretty, sexy, attractive.
Women are taught to admire men primarily for their work or financial achievements. It is not “manly” for a man to ask for validation for other things. When we post a photo, our followers immediately jump on us to tell us how great we look. This is not the case for men. Their partner is often the only source of compliments, especially about their appearance, so don’t hold back on compliments! Same goes for saying what a great father he is, how much you appreciate his advice, how kind and thoughtful he is.
Brighten his day: Men need reassurance and the knowledge that they are loved just as much as women do. Try to give him at least one compliment a day – a combination of non-sexual compliments (Thank you so much for your help earlier) and sexual compliments (I swear you give the best oral sex ever).
TO HEAR YOU ENJOY (AND NOT JUST AT THE END)
He says: “I’ve slept with a lot of women and most of them remain completely silent until the end. When they think you’re about to have an orgasm (or want you to have one), they suddenly moan and grunt. It seems fake. If they were really enjoying it, why didn’t they make any noise before?”
Noise is audible feedback – a sign that the person you’re having sex with is enjoying it rather than wishing it was over.
It’s also extremely useful as feedback/instruction – something else that men crave but don’t like to ask for. Moan when he finds the sweet spot and he’ll know he’s found it.
For women, silence can be something we do to help us reach orgasm – we close our eyes and fantasize or focus on sensations to climax. Men don’t realize this, so if silence is what you need to get there, let him know that’s why you’re quiet.
Brighten your day: You don’t have to talk dirty or yell at the top of your lungs, but a gasp, a moan, or a whispered “What a fantastic feeling” in his ear lets him know that you’re enjoying the experience as much as he expects you to.
- Do you enjoy listening to SexTok, Tracey’s weekly podcast? Don’t miss the latest episodes of season 10, which air every Wednesday. Find out more at sextokpod.com or traceycox.com.
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