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Almost everyone masturbates: 95 percent of men and 81 percent of women admit to having done so at some point.
That’s probably why nine out of 10 of us feel comfortable if our partner continues to do it once in the relationship. Most believe that it complements sex as a couple and increases erotic satisfaction.
But not all. Some women believe that masturbation is neither necessary nor appropriate in a relationship because a man must satisfy all of his sexual needs with his partner.
Others believe that solo sex is a betrayal and that the only sex allowed is sex with a partner. Even more people believe that watching pornography (the bread and butter of solo sex) is both misleading and disgusting.
British relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox revealed the impact of stopping her husband from masturbating (file image)
In some cases, women even demand that their partners stop having solo sex and threaten to leave if they discover that they have disobeyed the “rules.”
They do this at their own risk, as this is what will likely happen if you stop your partner from doing what they want with their own body.
He will be angry and resentful.
It is understandable that this is so. If someone told me I couldn’t use my vibrator when I was alone, my reaction would be outrage.
Masturbating is personal. If it doesn’t negatively affect your sex life together, it’s no one’s business but yours how and when you do it.
Privacy is the foundation of a happy and healthy relationship. Trying to control what your partner does with their body when you’re not around is a violation of that. Whats Next? Tell them they can’t fantasize?
It’s also useless.
Most men view masturbation to pornography as nothing more than scratching their sexual itch and harmless entertainment. If you don’t see anything wrong with it, why would you stop it?
He will assume that you don’t enjoy sex.
Very few women who enjoy masturbating would stop their partners from doing the same. Having sex with yourself offers the opportunity to be completely free and selfish. There is no one to impress or be judged by. You can fantasize or see whatever you want. It’s liberating, exciting and excellent for your libido.
Women who not only don’t mind their partner masturbating, but also have no judgment, tend to have a high libido and are adventurous in bed.
Tracey (pictured) said: ‘Some women believe that masturbation is neither necessary nor appropriate in a relationship because a man must satisfy all his sexual needs with his partner.’
The couples who talk openly and honestly about masturbation are the couples who check the “extremely satisfied” box in all sexual studies.
“We’ll make a joke about it,” one man told me. ‘She will try to guess what category of porn she chose. It’s the first time I don’t have to hide it or be secretive. I’ve never been happier.’
He will want to have sex with you much more often.
It’s (obviously) okay to not want to have sex as often as your partner does. It’s not okay to stop the only “acceptable” outlet you have from satisfying yourself when you don’t want it. That is both unfair and unethical.
Most couples have some type of sex drive disparity. In almost all cases, the frequency compromise is made in favor of the person with lower sexual desire. If one wants sex five times a week and the other five times a month, it’s very unlikely they’ll say, ‘Right! So it’s three times a week!’
It is generally not a genuine commitment. The only reason people accept it is because they know the unspoken (or spoken) agreement is that they will try to satisfy themselves when partnered sex is not offered.
Strip this away and it’s a very different story.
If you’re asking your partner to stop masturbating because you want him to have more sex with you, go ahead and suggest it.
Asking them to stop and accept that their sexual needs are not met is unreasonable… and dangerous.
A sexually dissatisfied couple is unhappy.
There’s no research linking not being “allowed” to masturbate to infidelity, but there’s plenty of anecdotal evidence to show that you may be more tempted to cheat.
You will have less control over your orgasm.
Masturbating teaches us how our body works: what we like and what we don’t like. For women, solo sex is often the first way we learn to have an orgasm. For men, it is an important means of learning to control ejaculation.
If you are a premature ejaculator (finishes before you or he is ready), more will likely happen if you stop masturbating. Not just because having a solo sex session before he has sex with you means it will last longer. But because learning to control the moment of pre-ejaculatory inevitability (the moment when his football team could walk in and still not stop it from happening) is best mastered during masturbation. ‘Peaking’ (learning to control desire levels) is a technique that can only be done during solo sex.
You will lose many health benefits.
Supplementing the orgasms you’re already having with your partner with additional solo orgasms is great news for your health.
Masturbation relieves stress and pain and boosts the immune system. It improves heart health, reduces anxiety, reduces the risk of type 2 diabetes, and in men, may help prevent cancer. The more a man ejaculates, the lower his risk of prostate cancer.
It is also a natural sleeping pill. Regular orgasms trigger the release of oxytocin and endorphins, improving our mood and making us feel happier and more satisfied.
The more orgasms your body has, the better it will feel.
Is it okay to prohibit your partner from masturbating?
No. But it’s okay to ASK them to take a break, if – and only if – the goal is to improve sex as a couple.
If either of you masturbates regularly, stopping can increase mutual desire. Being each other’s only source of sexual stimulation can be incredibly erotic and bring you closer together.
It will also make you more in tune with each other’s natural cycle of desire. If your partner tells you every time he feels the need to have sex, you’ll have a real indication of how often he really wants it. This can encourage both of you to be more fair with the “how often” commitment, so that it’s not as biased toward the person with low sex drive.
Not watching porn can also have positive consequences, especially for men who confuse porn sex with real-life sex. Pornography is entertainment, not sex education. I also completely understand that some people consider pornography unethical as an industry.
Asking a partner to refrain from watching pornography, rather than asking them to stop masturbating, is a different request.
Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is the definitive guide to happy, long-term sex. You’ll find information about Tracey’s other books, podcasts, and products at traceycox.com.
