Sex life a little, well, bland?
Don’t blame your partner, blame yourself!
The key to a satisfying, enjoyable sex life is to be your own best lover: the better you know yourself intimately, the better your sex life will be with your partner.
After all, if you don’t know what turns you on and gives you an orgasm, how is that expected?
It’s not just about masturbating regularly, either. We should all cultivate new fantasies, educate ourselves and also maintain a healthy body image.
Here are the five best things you can do alone to have more connected, passionate sex together.
Tracey Cox revealed the five things you can do alone to boost your sex life with your partner, as she explains that knowing yourself intimately is the key (file image)
Masturbating twice a week
The more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, whether or not you have a partner. Kinsey, one of the world’s best-known sex experts, found that people who masturbated early in life had more vigorous sex lives than those who didn’t, and continued to have active sex lives long ago when the average person quit.
Recent research confirms this.
This is an area where men are trumps. Most women masturbate about once a week (when they are most sexually active), often not until their late teens. Most men masturbate at least twice as often and started doing so around age 12 or 13.
Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all of them can masturbate to orgasm—95 percent of us in fact (and some researchers estimate that figure is even higher).
On the other hand, if you are a woman who has never masturbated, statistics indicate that it is quite likely that you have never had an orgasm in your life. Few of us are lucky enough to begin our sexual life with a lover who is so patient and skilled that they can teach us about our own bodies.
Masturbation is a sure way (often the only way) for women to discover what makes them sexually aroused.
It also releases tension, helps us sleep and increases our orgasm quota. More orgasms means better circulation, less stress and glowing skin.
However, don’t do the same thing every time you indulge in a solo sex section. Mix up the techniques you use to masturbate to keep your sexual response system nice and elastic. And don’t forget to show or tell your partner what works for you (obviously).
Erotic reading, watching or listening
Understanding the mechanics of sex and mastering effective techniques are crucial cornerstones for a great sex life.
But there’s something even more important: excitement.
Arousal is the key ingredient needed to encourage good, long-lasting sex: after all, it’s the pursuit of pleasure that makes us want to have sex in the first place!
Tracey (pictured) said fantasies about other people help keep your sex life active actief
Keeping us excited for long periods of time isn’t easy – and this is where erotica comes into play.
Whether watching hardcore porn or enjoying a more sedate, sensual scene from a literary classic, stimulating our imagination is one of the best ways to keep our libido and desire high.
Explore and find out what floats your boat: it could devour the entire Fifty Shades of Gray collection. It can discover a new category of porn online. Rediscover a sexy old classic movie like Nine and a Half Weeks, watch Sex/Life of Bridgerton on Netflix or the new raunchy Russian series Gold Diggers on All 4.
If you’d rather have someone whisper sweet nothings, try the FrolicMe website for beautiful, “elegant” erotic porn or download the Dipsea app for short and sexy audio stories.
Ninety-five percent of us have daily sexual fantasies – yes, even your grandma sitting there innocently knitting could tear the shirt of that tasty gentleman sitting next to her at bingo right now (although you better not think about that) .
According to statistics, 85% of people fantasize about someone other than their partner while having sex with a partner at some point – so there’s no need to feel guilty about that either.
Why do we need them when we have good sex at home? Most of the evidence suggests that after the novelty of a relationship wears off, most of our sexual arousal doesn’t come from our partner.
This is nothing to be alarmed about.
Far from harming your sex life, fantasies about other people help it stay active. One study found that people who fantasize during sex feel greater sexual satisfaction and have fewer sexual problems in their relationships, even if the person they are fantasizing about is not their partner.
Spending time developing your fantasies solo is time well spent.
Conjure up a sexy scenario that appeals and add it. What do you want to happen next? What exactly will the person do to you? When, how, where? The better the fantasy is practiced, the easier it is to press ‘play’ in your head when you want to get aroused or tilt to orgasm.
Need inspiration? TeaseMe gives you sexy audio stories with different themes (think hot librarian, yoga teacher, ski teacher) to help you come up with more inventive fantasies of your own.
Tracey said sex apps can be helpful in becoming a better lover as they provide lessons on new techniques and teach mindful sex practices (file image)
Work on your body image
Learning to love your body is one of the most important things you can do to improve your sex life.
Change your perspective by conditioning your mind to think only positive thoughts: No one is born to hate their body, we learn how to do it.
Remove yourself from social media if it upsets you. This is Body Image Fixer No. 1. Seriously, who really feels good about themselves after looking through Instagram?
Stop reading magazines or looking at websites with “perfect” women. If you watch porn, watch amateur porn. That way you see real women with real bodies.
If you have a friend who makes fun of your body, throw them away. Be strict. You should come back from seeing friends who feel good about yourself, not terrible.
Throw away things that make you feel bad. If something doesn’t make you happy, throw it away. Like your underpants and jeans and dresses that you feel guilty about for never dropping that dress size to wear them. Buy clothes that are the right size, that feel comfortable.
Finally, have self-compassion. What would you say to a best friend who is constantly putting herself down? You would tell her to stop and give her compliments. Do it to yourself. Be your best friend, not your own worst critic.
Download a sex app
Whether you’re looking for excitement, education, or problem-solving, sex apps are big business.
Kama (as in Sutra) is a free sex education and training app with hours of video tutorial content to help users educate, discover and become better lovers.
OMGyes is not free, but I would highly recommend it for women who are struggling with orgasm or who want to learn new techniques to get there. It’s interactive, there are tons of video demos and you can actually practice the techniques on your tablet.
Men love it too – if you want to be one step ahead of the competition when it comes to pleasing women, this will get you there. Couples tune in to show the techniques that work best for her (so much easier to show than to tell) and for ideas of what to try next.
Ferly is an app that teaches you mindful sex practices; the Lover app claims to be a ‘personal trainer’ for treating sex problems, creating more fun in your life and getting better at sex.
Check out the new products in Tracey’s supersex and Edge ranges at traceycox.com. Tracey’s new podcast SexTok comes out weekly on Tuesdays.