After the claims of explosive arguments between Tory top favorite Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds arose this week, the country was redistributed.
Some couples were shocked by reports of shouts and signs, others shrugged and thought, "Don't we all do that every now and then?"
The pair has since found & # 39; selecting it & # 39; and & # 39; very in love & # 39; according to friends, but even if the argument did not mean the end of their relationship, the real question is: should it be?
Are fleeting, stormy relationships such as these healthy?
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship, but how much fighting is too much fighting?
Here's how you can see …
As the claims of explosive arguments between Tory top favorite Boris Johnson (photo) and his girlfriend Carrie Symonds arose this week, the country was again divided over what a humorous line means for a relationship
Sex expert Tracey Cox reveals whether volatile, stormy relationships are healthy after Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds (photo) had a fight last weekend
NFighting enough is not a good sign
If you fight, it means you care about your relationship. If you have both checked out, with one foot out, who can take the trouble to waste time and energy arguing?
If you never fight, it usually means that one of you is afraid to rock the boat or challenge the other. But avoiding discussions about sensitive issues to prevent arguing is actually more risky for your relationship.
Tracey Cox (photo) reveals the magic relationship that will predict whether your fiery relationship will survive
Couples who argue effectively are ten times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who go through difficult problems under the carpet, according to an American study.
The strange fight is normal and very healthy.
They are constant, fierce exchanges, especially if you argue over and over again about the same signal that your relationship is in trouble.
The ratio of the magic ratio
How many rows are too many? The American therapist and relationship guru, John Gottman, has a magic formula.
After studying couples for decades, he concluded that there is a very specific relationship that makes love last: 5 to 1.
For every unfortunate negative interaction – such as an argument – you need five happy, positive interactions to feel happy in the long run.
There is another crucial factor.
How you fight is more important than how often
If you fight with each other, yell each other's names, belittle each other, don't listen, are determined to win at all costs and are followed by sulking, not talking for days and the problem unresolved, then you have problems.
Even if you don't fight often and the problems are trivial, fighting with & # 39; common & # 39; eventually poison your relationship.
Couples who often but honestly fight have a much better chance of remaining and thriving.
This means being respectful so that you both feel heard and understood and have the communication skills to solve the problem, both with the feeling that it is really solved.
IT'S TIME TO WALK IF …
Your partner tries to control you.
It may be clear – they tell you who to see, what to wear, what to eat – or it may be subtle. Bringing down your friends and family so that they are the only person in your life is a common trick.
They are violent.
If your partner regularly loses patience and it is frightening if they do, go outside or get help. Lashing by throwing things (such as plates), beating the wall, turning furniture – these are all BIG red flags.
You could be the next target.
If you already are and your partner touches you, make plans to leave safely. (There are many good websites and guides to guide you through this process when searching online).
They are emotionally offensive.
Emotional abuse can be just as dangerous as physical abuse: just because your partner doesn't hit you doesn't mean everything is fine.
If your partner makes disparaging or disparaging comments and then pretends to make a joke, it is not you who has the problem.
If the situation escalates and you worry where things are going, pay attention. What would you tell your best friend if they were in this situation?
We are often more protective of our friends than we are.
You feel threatened.
If you feel physically or emotionally unsafe when you are arguing, it is definitely time to leave or seek help from a therapist.
If you think things have crossed a border, tell someone. A friend, your family – someone you trust – as quickly as possible.
It has a negative impact on your life.
Loyalty is a good quality, but being loyal to someone who does not deserve it and treats you badly reflects a low self-esteem and no dedication.
If your life is affected by your partner's bad behavior – suffering from your friendships, work or health – the arguments are out of control.
Your friends and family are worried.
If people who love you are concerned for your well-being or united in a toxic relationship, the writing is not alone on the wall, it is in big red angry letters and indelible ink. A person who doesn't like your partner is one thing, they all hate them, but that's something else.
How you complete your battles – how easy you make makeup and get back to normal – is also important.
Some couples never really make it, with resentment lingers long after the fight is supposedly over.
What if you enjoy arguing?
Not too many people like to fight with their partner.
If you enjoy the drama and the high emotion, you probably come from a family where fights were the only means of communication.
If your parents' idea of a & # 39; discussion & # 39; was to have a burning, passionate line that was quickly over and ended up with them on the way to the bedroom to make up, you learned that arguments are not things to be scared of.
Your only problem now is finding someone who shares the same opinion and who can cope with intense emotions that seem disproportionate to what is happening.
If you're in the opposite extreme – don't usually argue, but find yourself doing a lot with a new partner – it generally means you're not compatible.
Some couples bring out the worst in each other without even having to try.
You may be interested in each other, but if you have such opposing core beliefs or backgrounds that you accidentally press all the wrong buttons – without any idea why or how – you are destined for stormy seas.
You need more than love and lust to have a good, long-term relationship.
You are more likely to find lifelong love with someone you like first and foremost, who shares your view of the world, wants what you want and has a similar background to someone who desperately wants to think of you, but who leaves you red see .
HOW TO BE HONEST
Most couples usually get along well, but have a monthly & # 39; to do & # 39; task on issues such as sex, money, family, and parenting.
This way you can ensure that the line is over before it has actually started and has ended correctly.
Manage your thoughts. Think logically about what you're upset about before you start arguing. Write things down, look at the points you've made. Do you want? You won't get anywhere firing random, broken grievances without knowing what you want from your partner.
Ask for their input. What do they think the problem would solve? Approach it as a problem that both of you want to solve together, not a you against them situation.
Pay attention. If you look at your phone while trying to solve a problem, & # 39; your feelings are not important to me & # 39 ;. If your partner hurts and you have to explain why, this should be the most important thing in the world.
To breathe. If you are very angry, you will most likely say something that will take a lot of time and energy to clear it up later. If that is indeed the case.
If you feel too emotional to think or talk calmly, give yourself ten minutes off and do something calming: call a friend, drink a cup of tea, take a short walk.
Don't argue about drunkenness. Nothing good comes out after either of you has had three large glasses of wine.
Look beyond the anger. Anger is just fear disguised. What are you really afraid of? Your partner is leaving you? Saying, & # 39; I'm terrified that you don't love me & # 39 ;, will take you far beyond & # 39; You're so b ***** d to stay out so late with your friends & # 39 ;
Don't let things fester. The longer you remain silent, the more emotional the argument will be. & # 39; Choose your fight & # 39; is a good principle to live, but don't take it to the extreme, where you can have the little problems built into big problems.
Competing couples are unfortunate couples. The goal is not to & # 39; win & # 39; an argument, it is solving what upset you both, says Tracey (stock photo)
Watch your body language. How you talk to each other during arguments is just as important as what you say.
Talk quietly, make eye contact, try to relax your body. No finger pointing, shouting, rolling eyes, exaggerated sighs and sarcastic disposable comments.
Keep telling yourself, I love this person. They behaved badly but that doesn't mean I don't love them.
Don't play the blame game. Do not use accusatory, condemning or inflammatory language.
Shouting, & # 39; You are a selfish bastard and don't deserve to live & # 39; won't take you anywhere.
Saying, & # 39; I feel abused if you leave all the housework to me & # 39 ;, can do the work.
Criticism of the behavior, not the person. Talk about what they are doing wrong, do not attack their character.
Go to bed angry if it works for you. If you are arguing about something important, going nowhere and both exhausted, call a truce and go to bed.
A good night's sleep (or even half a good one) means a clearer head and a quieter mind.
Suppose the best is not the worst. Suppose some criticism means that your partner is about to leave and that your body immediately & # 39; fight or flee & # 39; will enter. Adrenaline is pumping through it violently and your ability to listen and talk rationally goes out the window.
Keep telling yourself: & # 39; This is not about those who want to leave, it is about this issue. & # 39;
Talk less, listen more. & # 39; Not feeling heard & # 39; is one of the three main reasons why women quote for divorce. Recognize your partner's points and feelings, even if you disagree with them.
It's not about winning. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Competing couples are unfortunate couples. The goal is not to & # 39; win & # 39; an argument, it is to resolve what upset you both.
Think & # 39; How can we sort this so that we are both happy with each other & # 39 ;, not & # 39; How can I show him / her my position? & # 39 ;.
Agree to disagree. John Gottman says that 69 percent of marital problems are never solved because most couples always have the same fight.
There is only one way to deal with these insoluble eternal problems: work out a way to ignore them.
Do you hate his mother? See her as little as possible, but agree to be respectful when you do that.
Visit traceycox.com Find Tracey's range, books, and more non-judgmental information about sex and relationships.
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