Research suggests that about 30 percent of women and 23 percent of men “settle” for their partner, rather than marrying their “true love.”
After a lifetime of studying sex and relationships, I wholeheartedly agree with that figure. (What “true love” actually means is a topic for another day.) On many levels, it makes sense.
What we look for in love is very different from what we want in a spouse and potential parent for our children.
That “I can’t breathe without love” is often characterized by great highs, lows, insecurity, and intense passion.
When we’re young, the moments of euphoria (otherworldly sex and the thrill of finding a “soulmate”) offset the not-so-pleasant parts. Not so much when we are older and more mature.
Research suggests that about 30 percent of women and 23 percent of men “settle” for their partner, rather than marrying their “true love.”
Confidence. Friendship. Good lifestyle habits. Financial security. All the “boring” people suddenly seem not so boring.
Some of us are lucky enough to find these qualities in the person we have fallen deeply in love with. Others are not so lucky and marry someone their family approves of and will support them throughout their lives.
This is all terribly sensible, but does it make us happy? I spoke to a variety of men and women who didn’t break up with their “person” to find out.
“Decades later, I never stopped loving her, and that’s as miserable as it gets.”
Scott, 51, has been in a loveless relationship for 24 years and still longs for his first love.
‘I met Sarah at university and we were deeply in love for four years. Our friends hung out with each other and other people, but we weren’t interested in anyone else.
It was an intense relationship and I had a lot of jealousy issues because of my past (my mother had many affairs). She made me angry for nothing and, in the end, that broke us up. She wanted to have children and she did not want to raise them in such a turbulent environment. However, there was no doubt that we broke up the relationship even though we both still loved each other.
Everyone in our university group remained friends. Then I watched as Sarah met another guy, a good man actually. She wasn’t going to set the world on fire, but he treated her well. I wasn’t surprised when she got pregnant and got married, even though I didn’t go to the wedding. They invited us, but I couldn’t stand to see her standing there and saying her vows to someone else.
I say ‘we’ because I was also involved with someone else. It was one of those relationships that you fall into, rather than choose. She was sweet and she wanted to please me but I never loved her. We dated, she got pregnant and she wanted to keep the baby, I didn’t love her somehow… you know how she is.
Tracey Cox (pictured) is a sex and relationships expert. She believes it’s entirely plausible that nearly a third of women and 23 percent of women have broken up with someone who isn’t her “true love.”
We are still together 24 years and two children later. I didn’t want to marry her. I respect her and I love her, but it has been a relationship without love on my part. Frankly, I don’t know why she puts up with it.
She knows I never stopped loving Sarah. She knew I would never stop loving her when we broke up. I am now 51 years old and I have lived my entire life with someone’s heart that is not mine. It’s as miserable as it sounds. Some of my close friends know that I am still in love with her and are desperate for it. They keep telling me to move on, but I don’t want to. My heart longs for her. It’s a dramatic word, but it’s the only one that fits.
Sarah had four children and is still with the same man, but I’m right to be hopeful. There was a magical period when we saw each other briefly. She texted me out of the blue asking if we could meet up. I found out that she was having problems with her husband.
We met in a park and she confessed to me that she also thought about me all the time and that I had been the love of her life. We kissed. We cry. We went to a hotel, had sex and met up several times.
But she had four children and I had two and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. That was five years ago. She made it better somehow. At least I know that I had not imagined this great love.’
“No part of me believes I’ve ‘settled down’.” It was the best decision of my life to go for the sensible guy.
Hayley, 40, has three children and has been happily married for 11 years.
‘I am a pragmatic and sensible person. That’s why I don’t regret marrying the person who was going to be the best husband and father, for someone I was passionate about.
Having children with someone is a decision that requires a lot of thought. It implies sacrifice. You become responsible for bringing a human being into the world and for giving free rein to a hopefully decent adult. That requires calm and stability. Most passionate loves are not calm or stable.
Mine certainly wasn’t. We were intermittently. So paranoid and jealous of everything. Every time we broke up I thought my life was over and I didn’t like that feeling.
It is often the case that people want different things from their spouse than they wanted from love when they were younger.
I broke off the relationship even though I was angry about this guy and it took me five years to be ready to date again. It was a matter of survival. My life would not have been happy if I had stayed with him.
I am happily married to a man who is reliable, financially solvent, and the best role model for my children I could ever ask for. They love him and I have come to love him more and more over the years.
It’s not the same love I had for my ex. If you’re talking about the most intense I’ve ever felt for someone, my ex wins the “love of my life” award.
But what I have now is true love. It was built on a solid foundation: friendship and respect, not on the quicksand of lust and passion. I wouldn’t trade my husband for a million from my ex. No part of me believes he has “settled” me. “It was the best decision of my life to make a sensible decision.”
‘An affair is the only solution: I can’t live without him but we can’t leave our families’
Esther, 46 years old, has a son and has been married for 18 years. She and her first love, Joe, have been having an affair for 15 years.
‘Joe and I met when we were 15. We were inseparable for years, then I went to college and he went traveling. We made the usual pact: you both get a pass to do whatever you want while you’re apart, but the expectation is that you’ll get back together.
I waited two years but Joe kept traveling. I accidentally got pregnant by a guy I was dating and my parents basically forced us to get married. I come from a small, conservative town and that’s what you did.
Five years after he left, Joe returned home. I’m reasonably happily married with a son, and he shows up at the door and says he loves me and begs me to leave my husband. My heart breaks but I tell him it’s too late. I thought he would leave town but he didn’t. Four years later, he too is married.
It hurt me a lot to see him with his wife. I avoided them as much as I could. Then we were all invited to a friend’s birthday party. I didn’t expect him to be there and he didn’t expect to see me.
I remember feeling totally overwhelmed with emotion and nostalgia upon seeing it up close. I love my husband, but Joe was the undisputed love of my life. I think there’s something about first love: you never get over it.
We both got drunk. We ran away from our spouses, met at the back of the garden and kissed immediately. And that was that.
Since then we have had a long-standing relationship. This has been happening for 15 years and no one has found out. Only one person knows: a trusted friend of mine who knew Joe and me from the beginning. She is the person to go to if our standard meeting agreement needs to change. Otherwise we have no contact. We meet in a safe place and never anywhere else. Unless our friend decides to tell someone, I can’t imagine we’ll ever be found out.
I can’t live without him, but the consequences of both of us leaving our families in a small town like this are unthinkable. It’s the only solution we can think of for now. When the kids grow up maybe we’ll leave the city and finally be able to live the life we should have.
*Some names have been changed.
- Tracey’s product ranges, Supersex and Edge, are sold exclusively through lovehoney. Listen to their weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, on your favorite podcast platform.