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We’re all quick to call off someone who’s cheated on their partner, but the truth about affairs is far more nuanced than the simplistic moral judgments we make.
Issues are rarely simple or one-dimensional.
They are confusing, emotional and deeply human experiences that challenge our understanding of love, commitment and forgiveness.
We all know about hot sex and hotels. Here are the things we don’t talk about.
They are exhausting
“You can never relax because you are constantly lying. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to keep the stories straight.
“You’re pulled in different directions: you’re constantly comparing and weighing what to do.”
One man I spoke to said he finally confessed to his wife that he had been having an affair, simply because he was so exhausted by all of this that he just wanted it all to be over.
Feeling like you can never let your guard down and always having to be alert.
To look at the faces of your spouse and your children who love you and know that you are about to betray them.
It’s not all fun and games and sneaking away to recover: the emotional toll of an affair is enormous.
It’s about both loneliness and lust.
This week, British sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox reveals eight hidden truths about affairs (archive image)
‘My husband wouldn’t notice if I walked into the room naked and painted blue. “I felt invisible and like a staff member, not a wife.”
It is a common misconception that people cheat solely for physical gratification. Many affairs begin because of an emotional disconnection within the primary relationship.
If you feel invisible, unappreciated, or emotionally abandoned, you are ready for an adventure. Ready to seek comfort from someone who offers you the validation you crave.
This doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it should be a strong wake-up call for anyone in a relationship. Emotional intimacy is extremely important and if your partner is feeling lonely, an affair could be on the horizon.
They rarely have a clear villain
Tracey (pictured) discusses what could happen after an affair, as well as the possible emotional consequences that are rarely talked about.
‘My best friend is having an affair and some of his friends killed him the moment it came to light. He knew the real story: He hadn’t had sex with his wife for four years (his choice) and endured searing, withering humiliations on a daily basis. Who could blame you for looking for kindness, sex, and love elsewhere?
Affairs are often described in black and white terms: the cheater is the villain and the betrayed partner is the victim. But relationships are complex, and infidelity is rarely that simple.
Both partners often contribute to the dynamic that led to the affair, even if one of them acted inappropriately.
Understanding this does not absolve blame, but it does help to have a more complete and realistic picture of where everything went wrong.
It’s not just your partner who likes you less after an affair
‘If I could have fast-forwarded to see my family’s faces when they found out I had been seeing another man for the last year, I never, ever would have done it. It’s brutal. “I will never forgive myself and I am very sure that they will not either.”
Family members on both sides are sometimes as devastated by affairs as the person’s spouse. If this leads to divorce, will they be forced to take sides and never see their beloved in-laws or grandchildren again?
Losing your children’s trust, when you are meant to be their ‘stone’, is heartbreaking; your friends will judge you too, along with anyone who finds out. Cheating is polarizing, but sympathy falls primarily on the side of the betrayed.
You’ll also like yourself less, and that’s putting it mildly…
Guilt can be overwhelming
“We were truly the quintessential happy family and I brought the house down. So that? A little sex that faded after a month. How could I do that to everyone?’
For the person who goes astray, the weight of guilt can be paralyzing. Contrary to popular belief, many people who cheat love their partner deeply and never intended to hurt them.
Cognitive dissonance (knowing that what you are doing is wrong but doing it anyway) can cause intense emotional distress, even before the affair is discovered. This guilt often lingers long after the affair ends, leading to mental health issues and problems with future relationships.
They’re hard to stop, and not for the reason you think
“For me it was just about sex. My wife hasn’t been interested since we had the kids and as much as I love her, I have needs. I had no idea that the person I had the affair with saw it as something serious. When I tried to end it, she threatened to tell my wife. “I have no idea how to get out of this without her blowing up my family.”
People often have a good time on flings, accepting the “this is just a bit of fun” talk, even when they have fallen deeply in love and would leave their own partner in an instant to be the right person. It’s only when they threaten to stop that their true feelings come to light.
The fact is that you cannot control another human being or prevent them from eventually going “rogue.”
They change everyone involved, discovered or not.
Whether it’s the unfaithful partner, the betrayed partner, or the person who was cheated on, affairs have a deep and lasting impact on everyone involved.
If discovered or confessed, the betrayed partner is often left with feelings of inadequacy, anger, and mistrust that take years to heal.
For the unfaithful partner, it often causes deep shame and regret. Even the third party may deal with guilt, loss, or social judgment.
Even if you had your way, the ‘you and me against the world’ pact is broken. It is difficult to look your partner directly in the eyes and declare eternal love, knowing that you have cheated on them. Some people say they lose respect for their spouse because they didn’t realize what they were doing.
It’s not something you think about when you’re first in the hotel room, legs in the air, but that lapse in judgment shapes life profoundly.
Visit traceycox.com for details on Tracey’s blog, podcast and books. Visit lovehoney.co.uk for their two ranges of Tracey Cox products.