Earlier this month, one of the most influential pioneers of sex education, Dr. Ruth, died at the ripe old age of 96.
We have much to thank Ruth Westheimer for.
She used words like “penis” and “vagina” when no one else dared, she defended the rights of gays and lesbians and refused to condemn pornography. Her open attitude towards sex had never been seen before, and everyone adored her for it.
For Dr. Ruth, nothing was off limits. Her practical advice, such as “Have sex before you go out to dinner” and “You don’t have to share your fantasies,” has stood the test of time.
To celebrate the lifelong legacy of this warm and wonderful woman, here are my top 20 sex tips, also compiled over decades of writing and researching about sex.
File image. Sex columnist Tracey Cox said we should question everything we think we know about sex: if a man isn’t hard, he’s not turned on. If a woman isn’t “wet,” she’s not turned on. Both claims are false.
1. Question everything you think you know about sex.
If a man isn’t hard, he’s not aroused. If a woman isn’t “wet,” she’s not aroused. Both of these things are false. There are many things that affect the behavior of the genitals that have nothing to do with arousal: how hydrated we are, how much we slept, what happened in the previous sexual session, what medication we took, how much we drank, what drugs (prescription and recreational) we took. The list is endless.
2. Pornography is entertainment, not sex education.
There are no lessons to be learned from this type of pornography about how to be a good lover. Most pornography is based on a male fantasy of how they would like sex to be. It is not at all representative of the sex that the average couple has. It is rather the opposite of what most women desire.
3. There is time for sex.
Time is magically created when you both put your phones aside.
4. Always use lubricant
No matter how old you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re doing it with, adding extra lubrication always makes sex feel better.
5. How you both react to any erection problems is critical to what happens next.
Thinking there is a problem when there really isn’t is the cause of many erectile dysfunction problems. The penis is not a robot, it is just as human as its owner. Some days, no matter how tempting what is on offer, he is not interested in coming out to play. This is normal. Laugh it off, don’t make a fuss or take it personally or you risk starting the anxiety cycle. He doesn’t get an erection because he is too anxious and because he doesn’t get an erection, he is even more anxious the next time.
Sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals her top 20 sex tips, from unlearning the assumptions we have about sex to faking an orgasm occasionally.
6. Being able to talk comfortably about sex together means that all sexual problems can be resolved.
Not being able to talk openly and honestly means that the smallest sexual mishap can ruin everything.
7. Wanting variety is different from being bored
It doesn’t mean your partner isn’t happy with the sex you’re having if they want to try something new. Our sex life and our impulses need variety. Don’t feel threatened, embrace it.
8. It’s normal to have sex when you don’t want to if you’re in a long-term relationship.
Couples who have sex regularly estimate that 20 to 25 percent of their sessions are done to please their partner, not themselves. Desire isn’t the only motivation for having sex. Doing it because you love your partner, want to make them happy, and crave connection and intimacy are also very good reasons to get naked. It may not sound very progressive to have sex when you don’t feel like it (and it should be very helpful for both of you), but ask anyone in a long-term, happy relationship and they’ll confirm that it’s all part of the give-and-take process of a healthy sex life.
9. Wait for the right moment and you’ll end up in a sexless relationship.
Planning sex is the only way to ensure it happens in a long-term relationship.
10. One orgasm per person is not the measure of a good sex session
The most exciting sex you’ve ever had may involve neither of you climaxing. Orgasms last seconds or minutes – the fun is getting there.
11. Stop falling for the myth of spontaneous sex
My inbox is full of messages from people complaining that sex isn’t spontaneous “like it was in the beginning.” Really? We never plan sex until the beginning of a relationship. We think about what we’ll do together first, what clothes to wear (especially underwear). We imagine what we’ll do together, we tell each other how much we long to kiss, to touch, to enjoy each other’s bodies. Foreplay starts the moment we open our eyes, and everything is mentally rehearsed and planned so that everything is perfect. Learn from how you were in the beginning: planned sex doesn’t have to be forced sex. Anticipation is a good substitute for spontaneity.
Love and lust don’t go together like bacon and eggs. What we want from love (security, routine, feeling safe, loved, protected) is the opposite of what fuels desire.
12. Chemistry is great, but technique is more important.
The initial rush of lust takes you a little further, but once it passes, technique is paramount. Fortunately, sexual skills can be learned. Educate yourself, ask your partner what they want, and follow their instructions.
13. Don’t punish yourself for faking the occasional orgasm
If you don’t have problems the rest of the time and you orgasm easily and regularly with your partner, faking it every now and then isn’t a problem. Sometimes, you do everything right and it’s just not going to happen because you missed the moment or you’re too tired, drunk, or stressed. Sure, it’s better to be in a relationship where you can say, “You were amazing, but it’s not going to happen for me tonight.” But if your partner is sensitive and you know it will worry them, a few moans and groans won’t hurt anyone.
14. The way you initiate sex greatly influences whether your partner will say yes.
If your partner wants to be thrown onto the bed and passionately devoured, scattering rose petals on the bed won’t turn them on. If you’re seduced in a way you don’t like, it means you’ll say no to sex you might otherwise have been open to.
15. Love and lust don’t go together like bacon and eggs.
What we want from love (security, routine, feeling safe, loved, protected) is the opposite of what fuels desire: risk, separation, uncertainty, novelty, anxiety, and jealousy. You are forced to choose what is more important to you. Because we have sex a small proportion of the time, love wins. This doesn’t mean lust has to die, but it does explain why it’s hard to maintain. The closest couples are often the ones who lose desire, simply because there is too much love for lust to survive.
16. Masturbation is good for you, but don’t overdo it
If this decreases your desire to have sex with your partner, you are doing it too often.
17. Sex does not mean intercourse
Any sexual and erotic connection counts as sex. The sexual act may be the main event for him, but it often isn’t for her. Unpredictable and small-dose sexual pleasures (kissing only, oral sex only) are infinitely more exciting than sex that follows a formula…
18. Sex has no beginning, middle and end.
Get away from the equation of foreplay, then intercourse, then orgasm and your sex life will improve dramatically. Not every sex session has to end in an orgasm and not every sex session has to include intercourse.
19. Find your normal
It doesn’t matter what others do or how often they do it. If you’re both happy, that’s all that counts.
20. If you want something from your partner, be specific and give examples.
Don’t say, “I want more romance,” say, “I’d love for you to set the stage for sex by dimming the lights and turning up the music.”
Things mean different things to different people.
In one infamous experiment, half of the men who were asked to do something romantic for their wife washed her car.
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