Tracey Cox reveals 20 FAST ways to get yourself in the mood
Women’s desire – or more specifically the lack of it – is big business. Lack of sex drive is the most common sexual complaint of women today.
If we could all take a pill that would transform us from we can’t be bothered to kill for it, most of us would take it.
This is why the research into finding that magic pill to boost female desire continues despite unpromising results.
As it turns out, it’s much easier to come up with a drug that will make a penis erect, causing most men to feel desire, than it is to meet the long list of requirements some women need to have sex drive.
My advice to women is to rely instead on what we always rely on when we want something done.
If you feel like sex, wake yourself up.
Here are some handy ways to get that job done, but first a quick note. Of course it’s okay to NOT feel like sex and to say no if you don’t want to.
This is for women who are open to getting aroused and want to start a lagging libido.
You can start by going to bed … to rest.
Tracey Cox says, “My advice to women is to rely instead on what we always rely on when we want something done. Ourselves’ (stock image)
Get a good night’s rest
New research shows a direct link between the quality of sleep you’ve had and how much you want sex the next day. It makes sense: when you’re broke, you want to plop on that bed, not roll on it.
Know your hormonal desire cycle
Women have a high sex drive at certain times of the month and less (or not at all) at others. Men’s sex drive is usually more consistent because they are not subject to hormonal fluctuations. It is very helpful for both of you to know that you are absolutely ready and that you don’t even have to look at me.
Most women feel the horniest day 12-16 of their cycle because that is when we are most fertile. (Day one is the first day of your period.) Schedule adventurous, lustful sessions during times of high desire; give yourself a break from finding sex around day 22 or 23.
Turn off the brakes
American sex educator Emily Nagoski talks a lot about the female “dual control system” of desire.
Simply put, this means we all have brakes and throttle when it comes to sex. Accelerators are things that make us think about sex, brakes are things that turn us off.
‘New research shows a direct link between the quality of sleep you’ve had and how much you want sex the next day,’ says Tracey
Your accelerators could be: having more sex drive when you are about to ovulate, seeing your partner naked, being in a place where you would like to have sex or have a fantasy.
Inhibitors include things like unwanted pregnancy, fear of contracting an STD, stress, poor body image, fear of orgasm, or not being sexually competent.
It seems logical that in order to make yourself want more sex, you need to put your foot on the accelerator – come up with more reasons to want sex – but it’s more important to be able to relax the brakes.
You’ll be even more challenged as to why you don’t want to have sex than you’ll be making up reasons to do it. Find out what your brakes are: List everything that’s stopping you from having sex, then come up with a plan to combat each of them.
Put on sexy lingerie
What that old chestnut, I hear you say! There’s always been a perception that all you really need to do to save a horrible sex life is stock up on push-up bras and sheer briefs. Guess? There is truth in it.
Not only does it work because well-cut lingerie is flattering, it also sends a clear signal that you’re in the mood for sex. Very welcome if your partner never knows exactly when to strike.
Play back the last steamy session you both had in your head
Fantasy is a powerful stimulator of desire, but it is especially effective when you add the element of anticipation. Think about how good your partner has made you feel before and you warn your brain to expect the same again.
Our brains like to follow well-trodden paths and the more ‘triggers’ you can give it to expect pleasure, the faster you get excited. Fantasizing about the way they kiss you makes even the first few seconds of their next kiss that much more exciting.
Put in headphones and listen to audio porn
Cleaning up after dinner or going to bed has never been so much fun. Tell your partner what you’re up to and they’re unlikely to object. Men love visuals, but many women are more excited by a story. Reading erotic books has always worked for us, listening to them turns out to be even more exciting.
Put on vibrating pants
Speaking of secret arousal hacks, try wearing vibrating panties for an hour or so before you know you’re going to have sex.
Get out that dirty novel
The one you’ve hidden from the kids/your roommate/your mom with worn, turned pages. Go to the toilet for five minutes and go straight to the saucy bits.
Again, especially effective if it’s something you often masturbate to when you’re alone. Your body knows sex is coming.
SSRIs, prescribed for anxiety and depression, are notorious for dampening the most vibrant libido. But not all. Ask your doctor for a brand that does not affect sexual desire. Same with contraception.
Set the tone
“Choose entertainment with a sexual edge and you’ll be much more open to your partner having sex afterward than watching a debate with pesky, hapless politicians,” says Tracey.
Turn off the lights. Make or tidy up the bed. Put on some music. Take a shower or bath and wear something that you know looks good on you. Spray on perfume. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Think: if I had sex now, what would I look forward to more?
Masturbating a little… then stop
Use your favorite vibrator or fingers to stimulate your clitoris until your arousal starts to build. Add extra stimulation by playing with your nipples, keep going for a minute or two, then stop. It sounds frustrating, but has the opposite effect.
Replicate your solo sex habits
While you’re at it, think about what you’re doing during your solo sex sessions. Chances are, you’re using the fastest possible way to get aroused and orgasm — we’re used to speeding up our reactions for fear of being interrupted.
For most, that is using a sex toy while watching porn. Replicate this when you need to be turned on quickly.
Watching a show or movie together with sex scenes
Choose entertainment with a sexual edge and you’ll be much more open to your partner initiating sex afterward than watching a debate with pesky, hapless politicians.
Buy some sex toys online
We have all experienced the thrill of buying new things. Buying a sex toy is even better: it is something exclusively designed to give you pleasure, arouse your partner, induce even more intense orgasms. Imagine how it will feel when you use it. How excited will your partner be when you take it out of your bedroom drawer.
Start having sex – even if you don’t feel like it
There is a school of thought that suggests that if we play something, our body will believe it to be true. Pretend you’re in the mood for sex, be the one to give that full sexy kiss or straddle, and you’ll feel a surge of power. The person who always initiates is constantly feeding their perception that they are “the sexy one,” the person who wants more sex than the other. Do it to boost your own sex ego.
Throw away your underwear
Go commando while doing normal things – working from home, picking up things from the supermarket. Being exposed in secret is a surprising twist.
TURN IT ON NOW – FAST
Try these instant erection stimulants to get him in the mood!
- Watch porn with him
- Feel it in public
- Flash him out of the locker room
- Suck on his finger like it’s a penis
- Talk dirty to him
- Give him two minutes of oral sex – just as he’s about to walk out the door
- Play with your nipples through your top
- sext him
- Send him your ‘sex song’
- take off his jeans
- Leave a handwritten note under his pillow that reads ‘I want you’
- Moan when you kiss him
Reconnect with your teenage self
Bring your mind back to the days when you were obsessed with guys and sex and only a kiss could make you slide off your chair with desire. One of the fastest ways to do this is through music.
What was the song that reconnected you with the wonderful freedom and excitement you felt when you first experienced it all? Play it and let the memories of those first fumbles take over.
Try an excitement app
Ferly (free) teaches how to have mindful sex, with guided exercises to enjoy alone or with a partner. Emjoy requires a (very reasonable) subscription fee to access everything, but still offers many great audio guides on pleasure, desire, and sexual self-esteem.
Or an excitement gel
Some women swear by CBD arousal gels and lubricants. Even if you don’t buy the CBD promise, there are plenty of other gels on the market designed to heighten the sensation. I put an orgasmic gel in my Supersex range, which is infused with arginine and menthol to create a tingling sensation around the clitoris, labia or penis. Try it!
want to want
All the sex tricks in the world can make you not want sex if you really don’t want it. You have to be open to getting excited. Are you at a time in your life when sex just isn’t attractive (you just gave birth, started a stressful new job, don’t get along with your partner)? Take a break and try again when things get better.
You can find Tracey’s Supersex Orgasm Gel at lovehoney.co.uk. Follow her on Instagram @traceycoxsexauthor.