Don’t you have enough sex? Chances are, your wife or girlfriend isn’t getting from you what she needs to put her in a good mood.
I hear the same complaints, over and over again, from women who don’t want to sleep with their male partners.
From not taking charge in bed to ignoring “emotional intimacy,” there can be many reasons why she doesn’t want to sleep with you.
Meanwhile, helping out more around the house could also improve your sex life.
Here are the top five tips to help you try to turn things around…
Tracey Cox reveals the reasons why your wife won’t sleep with you and how to fix it. From not taking charge in bed to ignoring “emotional intimacy”, there could be many reasons why she doesn’t want to sleep with you (file image)
DON’T TALK TO HER
‘Why should I have sex with you? What have you done for me lately?’
Emotional intimacy is vital to sexual intimacy. Put plainly: if you don’t have meaningful conversations with your wife, she won’t want to have hot sex with you.
In the early days of a relationship, most men at least try to listen to their partner express their emotions. As time goes by, many don’t even intend to make the effort.
This may be because some men aren’t good at the whole ‘let’s talk about emotions’ thing. What comes easy to women may be hard work for you. Although it doesn’t leave you free…
Carry: Making her feel heard has to do with being curious. Ask her about her day. If something happened, how did it make her feel? Show genuine interest in her life and when she talks, really listen to her. Make eye contact, nod and look at her.
YOU DON’T MAKE YOUR PARTICIPATION FAIR
“He watches me make dinner, clean up, make the kids’ lunch, and then he looks amazed when I say no to sex when we’re in bed.”
The link between the amount of housework men do and a couple’s sex life is well established: the more the man does, the more frequent the sex is and the more satisfying it is for her.
It is the idea of justice that makes the difference… and what a difference it makes!
British sex and relationship expert Tracey Cox, pictured, says: “The link between the amount of housework men do and a couple’s sex life is well established: the more the man does, the more frequent the sex and the more satisfying it is for her.
New Australian research has gone a step further and added “mental load” to the housework equation. Who is responsible for the overall planning and organization of the tasks that must be performed to run a household? Because even when men do contribute in the physical part, the planning usually falls on the woman.
Not surprisingly, women in a relationship with the same physical and mental burden reported feeling happier and felt a stronger sexual desire than those in which women felt taken advantage of.
Carry: Keeping your home clean and organized is a couple’s job, not a woman’s job. Tell your partner you want to divide things more fairly, create a schedule, post it on the refrigerator, and hold up your end of the deal.
YOU IGNORE THE ‘SHE COMES FIRST’ RULE
For him, having sex is intercourse. There are three minutes of mock foreplay (a quick squeeze of my breast and a fiddle play) and then he’s gone. He has an orgasm and I’m not the least bit turned on.
It is a term coined by American sex therapist Ian Kerner, who wrote the book “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasing a Woman.” In it, she suggests a simple but effective way to close the gender orgasm gap.
Since women rarely reach orgasm through intercourse (only 25 percent do), but men almost always climax (95 percent), it is wise to make sure she orgasms before moving on to the ” grand finale” of sex, which is almost always intercourse. .
“She comes first” is an ethos that has been very well received by women and men who want their partners to experience as much pleasure as they do.
Carry: Orgasm shouldn’t be the goal of any sex session, but it’s undeniably enjoyable when it happens. Foreplay is when most women have orgasms during partnered sex: through oral sex, using fingers, or a sex toy. Your new mantra: she will have an orgasm before you. Do whatever it takes to make this happen.
IN BED YOU DON’T TAKE CHARGE
‘He’s too…nice. He asks me if he is okay doing things. He’s so unsexy it makes me want to scream.
Pleasing people isn’t attractive outside of the bedroom and it certainly isn’t attractive in it either.
The hero of the Fifty Shades of Gray series became every woman’s fantasy not only because he was attractive and rich but because he took what he wanted, without asking.
Admittedly, most of the extreme stuff in the book is best left as fantasy. But ‘I would love for my partner to throw me into bed and rape me’ is something I hear all the time.
Not taking the initiative, not being confident in bed, is unattractive. If you are always passive and insecure, it makes us feel like we have to be your “mother”; stop receiving pleasure and run to calm down.
Being dominated taps into our basic, intense, and primal desires. If you’re in charge, you counteract any of that “nice girls don’t do this” stuff that lurks in the basement of many women’s minds, no matter how liberated they are.
Carry: Tap into your inner ‘Christian Grey’. Grab her face with both hands and really kiss her. Frantically remove her clothes, as if you were about to touch her for the first time. Suggest a game of tie-up, give him a playful spank. Ask him what his fantasies are.
YOUR SEXUAL TECHNIQUE DOES NOT WORK FOR HER
‘I realized that the reason he turned me on so much was mainly because I wasn’t supposed to be. (It was an affair.) Over time, I soon realized that he was a selfish lover and had no idea how to please a woman.
At first no one notices the technique: the novelty creates enough excitement and passion to make the most clumsy lover seem competent.
It is around three months when technical problems begin to arise. Habituation and desensitization kick in: your sexual system says, ‘Hey, I’ve done this dozens of times, do you expect me to still be aroused?’ – and suddenly you notice that they are a little rough or choppy and that has never been enough for you.
Technique tends to be more important for women than men, probably because we get our orgasms from our hands and mouths. His orgasm tends to depend on thrusting his penis in and out of our vagina – not much skill required on our part there!
The way you approach this revelation sets the tone for what sex will be like from now on. If she speaks up and says, “Hey, I’d love for you to do Good sexual communication has been established.
If she doesn’t talk and pretends to enjoy it and climax, she will become less and less eager to have sex with you (why would she if your technique doesn’t do anything for her?).
Carry: Educate yourself. Head to traceycox.com and search for “oral sex guide” and “hand job guide” and you’ll find plenty of tips on technique. Ask him if there is anything he likes more or less. If she didn’t speak up at the beginning, it’s hard to turn around 15 years later and say, “Actually, I wish you’d do everything differently,” so she tries some new techniques instead of asking you to critique things. the old ones she pretends she likes.
You’ll find information about Tracey’s books, podcasts, products, and lots of practical sex advice at traceycox.com.
