Top sexpert reveals 8 common myths about having great sex – and why believing them is killing your relationship

Almost everything you thought was true about having good sex in a long-term relationship may be a myth.

That thing about how it’s always much better at the beginning? Mistaken.

And the idea that you can “rediscover the spark” by being spontaneous or introducing kinky role-play?

It’s not true either. So you can wear that sexy nurse uniform to the store.

In fact, sex educator Emily Nagoski was so impressed by her own discovery of what really constitutes a long-term erotic connection between couples that she decided to tackle this misunderstood topic in her latest book. Meet up.

Read on to discover the eight myths about satisfying, long-lasting sex that she says are the most commonly believed.

Keeping the spark alive

‘They tell us that everything is passion and “spark” at the beginning of a relationship, and that lasts maybe a couple of years; Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark goes out, especially after 50, when seemingly every hormone we ever had is floating in a sea of ​​aging. and we stayed, sexless and castrated, to hold hands at sunset.

The options, Nagoski says, are to accept the inevitable extinction of our desires or fight against it to keep the spark alive.

The concept is completely wrong, he says, because it puts the imperative on desire and passion – that unexpected longing – instead of pleasure.

She says: “Good long-term sex is not about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like it.” the sex you’re having.’

Angry sex is great sex

This oft-repeated trope appears in pop culture over the centuries: we see Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen locking lips in 2005’s Pride and Prejudice almost immediately after she finishes listing all the ways they hates them.

Or Keri Russell and Rufus Sewell in Netflix’s The Diplomat, whose only sex seems to be the angry or transactional type.

“We are often taught that anger and lust are closely related and perhaps even go together,” says Nagoski. ‘Is a lie.’

Are there times when anger and lust can coexist? Sure, she says. But never in a healthy, functional and lasting sexual connection.

‘Please let’s remove the “angry sex” narrative and replace it with playful sex. Much better for all of us.”

it has to be spontaneous

It’s a myth that wanting and liking sex should happen easily, instantly, and in any context, says Nagoski; that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to arise spontaneously from mutual arousal.

They also make us believe that if our partner doesn’t simply, without effort or preparation, love us on a regular basis, something is wrong with them (or with us).

However, so-called “spontaneous desire” is not associated with good sex in the long term. Rather, it’s in “responsive desire”—which often manifests as scheduled sex—where couples hit the jackpot.

‘Here you plan ahead, get ready, get ready, hire a babysitter and then show up. You put your body on the bed, let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up!

‘Responsive desire. Not “passion”, nor “spark”, but pleasure, trust and mutuality. That is the fundamental empirical reason for focusing pleasure on spark.

The more you have, the better it will be

There is very little relationship between the frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction, says Nagoski. In fact, contrary to what you might believe, almost none of us have sex as often as we claim: we’re too busy.

And he refuses to get into the debate about how often is “normal.”

‘What does the sexual frequency of the couples who participated in that research have to do with you, your relationship or this stage of your life?’ she asks.

Nothing.

And everyone experiences dry spells, including the author. So if you have one, that’s completely normal too.

It’s about novelty and adventure.

Neither orgasms, nor positions, nor variety of behaviors define good sex in long-term relationships.

In fact, if there’s one “sexual behavior” that predicts sexual and relationship satisfaction better than any other, it’s cuddling after sex.

Yes, a good old-fashioned spoon.

“Highly original sex may be pleasurable for you (or it may not be), but it’s not what makes for a satisfying long-term sex life for most people,” he says.

You can get addicted to a vibrator

It’s not true, although one can “spoil” you. This is because if you orgasm much faster with a sex toy, that speed will likely reset your expectations when you’re with a human.

That can lead to frustration that “it’s taking too long.”

Now you’re in a vicious cycle, because that frustration won’t make getting there any easier. In fact, you just stopped your orgasm.

Hotter people have better sex.

‘People think it’s attractive to be conventionally handsome or have a perfect body.

‘The reality is that your body is adorable right now and your health can’t be measured on a scale. You lied. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow old.’

it’s about skills

The idea of ​​a “skilled” lover is a myth, says Nagoski. “Unless you’re attempting a technically demanding BDSM practice like breath play, the only ‘skill’ you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and your own internal experience at the same time.”

That and communication.

And when communication fails, try playing.

“Even in my relationship with genuinely great communication, we can’t always communicate,” Nagoski says. “But there’s one thing we always do well: we can laugh at ourselves.”

Meet up: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski is published by Ballantine Books