Who knows a man better: the mistress or the wife? What do men say about their wives to the women they have an affair with? How do affairs begin and why?
As the daughter of a father who had a secret mistress for a decade, I was eager to find out.
So I found three women willing to answer all these questions and more: a serial lover, a professional lover, and a woman who had no intention of falling in love.
This is what they told me.
*All names changed, for obvious reasons.
As the daughter of a father who had a secret mistress for a decade, Tracey was keen to find out what her lover really thought about sleeping with people in a relationship (file image)
The woman who fell in love
“I don’t know if he wants to leave you or if he ever will. But I can’t imagine him leaving me either.
*Emily is 38 years old and is a journalist.
“The first thing I would say to you is that I’m sorry. I didn’t want to fall in love with your husband and he didn’t want to fall in love with me.
“If we hadn’t acted rashly at one point, none of this would have happened. I’d still be having a great time with my husband, and he’d be doing the same with you. But it happened. And now it’s out of my control because I’ll do anything to be with him. So here we all are.
‘I met him when I was out with some friends at a bar to celebrate a birthday. Your husband was having a drink with his friends. I didn’t realise he was there until I went to the bathroom. He was waiting too and we got chatting. There was that kind of mild drunken flirting that sometimes happens, like ‘I find you attractive and I know you find me attractive but we’re both married’. Nothing happened.
‘But then we ran into each other again. I was waiting for my morning coffee and he was doing the same. Turns out we work just a few blocks from each other. Faint warning signs: we knew it probably wasn’t good news.
‘That was the moment when we both should have started talking about our partners, to make it clear that there was nothing to offer but friendly chit-chat. But we didn’t. We ignored the wedding rings on our fingers around our coffee cups as we maintained surreptitious, guilty eye contact.
‘He invited me to lunch. I said yes. We acted like it was just between friends.
“He then invited me out for a drink after work and the alcohol dissolved any remaining defences we had. We kissed on a quiet street and it was the best time I’ve had in the last decade.
“That was two years ago. I know now that he was perfectly happy with you and your life together. He loves your son. He desperately, desperately doesn’t want to hurt you.
‘He’s a man who doesn’t know how he got himself into the situation he’s in. I don’t know if he wants to leave you or if he ever will. But he loves me too and I can’t imagine him leaving my life.
‘My husband is my best friend. It’s the only important thing in my life that I’ve never discussed with him. He senses that something is different. He’s asked me point blank if I’m having an affair, but he believes me when I say no, of course not. The guilt is unbearable, but it still doesn’t stop me.
‘An affair turns the most selfless person into the most selfish person in the world. You know what you’re doing is wrong, but you go ahead with it anyway. My son is ten years old, he’s older than yours. Every time I look at his face, I feel ashamed and overwhelmed by the surprise that I can put my needs before his. I’m a bad mother, and that’s even worse than being a bad wife.
‘I followed you once. You’re attractive, you seem happy. You met a friend and I thought, “I bet she’s a great friend and a great wife.” I can understand why she doesn’t want to leave you. I want her to, though.
“I love him more than my husband and enough to justify the pain this would cause him and my son. I wonder who will win.”
Relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) talks to three women about what they wish they could say if they were talking to their lovers’ wives.
THE SERIAL LOVER
“You stick to the small talk, I’ll stick to the deeper stuff. The girl who got away, the job that got away, the life that got away.”
*Kate, 45, has been married for eleven years to a man 12 years her senior.
‘This isn’t my first affair. It’s my fourth. The first one was with my personal trainer. I was married for a year and I realized that my husband didn’t want the kind of sex that I wanted.
‘It was a matter of leaving or fulfilling that part somewhere else. The second happened about a year after that one ended. A coworker (I don’t recommend it, it got complicated in the end and people notice more than you think). The third was a guy I met at the pub. The fourth is your husband.
‘We met at a work event, but we didn’t work together. So much the better. I saw him, I wanted him, and I chatted with him. He resisted for a while, but I’m persistent and attractive. At the end of the night, I said, “Would you like to have an affair with me?” He said no, but he took my number.
Men can’t stand it when a woman does man things: like having an affair for nothing more than physical gratification.
‘You don’t have to worry: I don’t want it for myself. I always get bored of them in the end. On my part, it’s purely sexual, but it never seems to be on their part.
‘Men can’t stand a woman doing manly things, like having an affair just for physical pleasure. They love it at first, but they want you to fall in love with them. It’s an ego thing.
‘Your husband is no different than the rest. He says, “Don’t think I’m going to leave my wife because I won’t.” (Incidentally, I would; men will sacrifice anything for the kind of sex I offer.)
“I tell him that’s the last thing I want and the reason I left my last affair was because the guy showed up at my work saying he left his wife for me. ‘I don’t believe you,’ your husband says. He’s got a pretty big ego, doesn’t he?
“I don’t know why men can’t talk to their wives. They only seem able to have conversations about who will go get the milk with the person they claim to love.
“I understand the important things: the dream he never got to fulfill, his regrets about the girl who got away, the job that got away, the life that got away. I’m amused by what men tell me, but it’s a waste to me. I’m only in it for the sex.”
THE PROFESSIONAL WIFE
“He doesn’t have to face me the next morning, eating cornflakes, after having begged me the night before to humiliate him.”
Daisy, also known as Mistress Envy, is 34 years old, married and a professional dominatrix.
‘Most men come to me because they have a hobby that their wife doesn’t care about. Actually, that’s giving them too much credit.
‘Although some of the men who see me have tried to have a conversation and bring the fetish into sexual practice during marriage, many don’t even try. They fear rejection and worry that simply admitting they have a kink could negatively affect the relationship. How can she look at me the same way if she knows X?’
‘In many cases, men love the thrill of seeing me. I’m not their wife, I’m their most exciting secret. They’re full of anticipation when they visit me. They have no idea what I’m going to do next.
‘I tease them, I use their turn-ons in ways they’ve never experienced. I’m the opposite dynamic to what they have at home. It’s a heady combination of escapism and excitement with a safe, unashamed exploration of what they like.
‘During the session with me, they are submissive. My submissive. There is nothing else. They don’t have to face me the next morning, over cereal, to negotiate the administration of life, after having begged me the night before to humiliate them. They can’t see the mother of their children as they see me.
‘I love what I do, I’m very good at it. Men leave feeling seen and validated. Visiting me is different than cheating on me. However… It would hurt me a lot if I was the wife. To have such a big secret kept from me… and then there’s the financial deception.
‘Some of my sons are completely faithful to me. I try to compensate for any guilt by making them better husbands. I ask them to buy gifts for their wives and do their share of the housework. All women should be adored.
“Most of the men who come to me are a mix of married and single. My work hasn’t made me think that men are unfaithful or unreliable. What it has shown me is that men are self-conscious. They have trouble with vulnerability. They appreciate direction. If they’re motivated and have good values, they’re incredibly committed to their wives.”
- Visit Tracey Cox’s website for lots of practical information on sex and relationships and details of Tracey’s books, podcasts and product ranges with lovehoney.
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