We’ve all heard the word thrown at someone or whispered behind a hand. Did he take the last cookie off your plate at the meeting? What a narcissist! Did he let the door swing open in your face? What a narcissist!
But is this interpretation correct or is the word now used so frequently that it has lost all meaning?
How can we know if our husband, mother-in-law or boss really suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and is not just thoughtless?
Here, trauma coach Caroline Strawson, author of a new book, How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, outlines six warning signs that you may have a narcissist in your life.
A narcissist’s changing behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them who they are.
1. They do not take responsibility for bad behavior.
Narcissists don’t apologize for the suffering they cause. It’s always someone else’s fault. They’ll say, “I had to do this because you said that!” Normal people may not talk to their partners for a while after an argument, but they’ll eventually come over, mumble an apology, and accept some of the blame. But the narcissist won’t, because he doesn’t think like that.
2. They are charming in public but controlling in private.
Narcissists are like chameleons. They can bait you with hurtful comments before a night out with friends until they provoke an emotional reaction. Then, at dinner, they are the life and soul of the relationship, while you are left feeling down because they have made you feel terrible. In effect, they have made you look like “the crazy one.”
This changing behavior makes it harder for people to believe you when you tell them what they’re really like. “But they always seem so nice,” they’ll say.
3. Whether overtly or covertly, all narcissists crave attention.
There are two main types of narcissists. The “overt” type, who may be your boss, walks into a room and demands attention. It’s his way of doing things or he’s gone. The “covert” narcissist is harder to spot.
Although they are controlling in private, in public they play the victim. If you have a cold, they have the flu. They may complain about their partner, so their friends say, “But you’re a good husband!” They also demand attention and praise. We therapists call this “narcissistic supply.”
4. Most people feel bad if they hurt someone. Narcissists don’t!
We can all be selfish or insensitive, but the difference between a narcissist and the rest of us is that we usually feel empathy for others. If we hurt someone, we will feel bad and want to make amends. A narcissist lacks empathy.
5. They are as spoiled as a little child and always have to win.
The narcissist has the mentality of a three-year-old and the only thing that matters is his needs. If he is your partner or your boss, you will walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If you find fault, he will yell, remain silent, or retaliate with a personal attack. The narcissist always wants to win.
6. They are experts at manipulating behavior.
A narcissist will manipulate you until you question your own sanity. You might see a mysterious message on your partner’s phone, but if you ask who it was, they’ll say, “Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing there.” If you insist that you saw it, they’ll divert attention to your behavior. “You’re a drama queen!” they’ll say. You’ll end up feeling like you’re in the wrong.
Healing After Narcissistic Abuse by Caroline Strawson is now available
- This article was originally published by Mail+ in March.