I was recently cheated on by a man. Oh, I was so fooled! And it really only occurred to me as I lay on my back at the Botox clinic last week, ready to face the terrifying needles and repeating my “beauty is pain” mantra over and over again.
You see, while we women spend our hard-earned money on Botox, facials, painful lasers, long nighttime skin routines, expensive blow-drys and Pilates classes, men only need three key things to be attractive.
And spoiler alert: it’s not height!
The three ‘take off my clothes immediately’ traits are: beards, suits, and accents.
But there’s a great art to it, so stay with me here, because the man I’ve been spending time with has really nailed it.
“You see, while we women spend our hard-earned money on Botox, facials, painful lasers, long nighttime skin routines, expensive blow-drys and Pilates classes, men only need three key things to be attractive.” Jana said.
This man is a short king, but that was barely noticeable when he first approached me, looking all European and affable.
His thick lumberjack beard was clean and as I shamelessly sniffed it (I’m not weird, you’re weird!) I noticed a hint of beard oil. Darling.
His suit was custom made, which I can’t praise enough. Any guy can wear a suit, but a tailored suit is the ultimate va va voom. It was tight around the buttocks, his pants ended right at the ankle and the fit around his chest was complementary. Solid 10.
And a little PSA, for the love of God, spend a few extra coins to make your suit fit. I was at a recent awards night and two men came up on stage to present an award. One was wearing a scruffy, ill-fitting suit, with no tie and the top two buttons undone, making him look disheveled. Next to him, the other man was wearing a beautiful tuxedo fitted to perfection with a very straight bow tie. It looked like a million dollars!
And the accent, well, you can’t buy it or fake it, but I can simply say that Australian male accents are very well received abroad. I mean, look how America embraced the Hemsworth brothers. Heck, even Russell Crowe has had some runs on the board. They play it on a violin and they play it well.
However, the accent I dropped my panties for was Spanish. I know, I know, could it be more cliché? But I’m telling you, it’s so swoon-worthy. What do Spanish men have that gives them riz? You know what I mean, they are basically born with charisma.
Add a beard and a fitted suit to that combination and you’ve got a well-built man.
And I’m not the only one who thinks this. In a recent group chat, one of my friends asked if anyone was interested in going on a “beard hunting mission.” This is code for drinking cocktails and trying to flirt with men with deliciously bushy faces.
But here’s the thing: should they shave their beards and, God forbid, wear a pair of crocodiles (eeek!). Does that dull the shine?
Yes. Yes it does.
I speak from experience. You see, after I fell in love with Mr. Spain, I made the mistake of taking a deep dive into his Instagram. Yes, I was that girl five years after the scroll and what I found was not good. I repeat, it is not good.
‘So there you have it. In the game of love, perhaps we are all false advertisers. But give me a nice manly beard instead of a soft-faced creepy man any day. I said what I said,’ Jana said.
It would seem that he had a weak chin and a long-standing love for shoes originally designed for water sports. I’m ashamed to say that she disgusted me. It turns out that these suits and beards, and yes, even the accents contain a multitude of sins.
It made me think of the time I refused to sleep with an ex until he grew some sort of stubble. Scandalous Jana!
And don’t get me wrong, scroll back through my own Insta archives and you’ll find some horrendous outfits, hairstyles and much thinner lips (thanks filler!), so I’m well aware that I’m being a horrendous hypocrite.
So let’s be real for a second. These are the three tricks that women use to trick men and make them fall in love with them.
1. Filling
Yes, for all the men who rant about how much they hate “duck lips” when a woman has had too much filler injected into her lips, it still seems like you all gag at the attention. Because? Well, according to Khloe Kardashian during a slightly X-rated chat on Howard Stern’s show recently, it’s because those full lips seem to give good head. It’s true. Do I give good blowjobs? Probably not, but it seems like it.
2. neckline
Just mentioning that cleavage tricks men into going crazy for us isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but let’s face it, Pamela Anderson didn’t pay for her Malibu mansion based solely on her Oscar-worthy acting skills. Men love anything they can face. I understand. The neckline is attractive.
3. Makeup
Trucks full of things. There’s a reason TikTok is turning makeup artists into celebrities. His videos teach us how to trick men into thinking we are much more attractive than we are with a multitude of products at our disposal. We know how to create cheekbones from nothing. How to make our blue eyes pop, and don’t even get me started on the art of contouring.
There you have it. In the game of love perhaps we are all false advertisers. But give me a nice manly beard instead of a creepy soft-faced man any day. I said what I said.