A psychologist and professor has outlined the four “toxic” traits that will end your relationship before it even has a chance to flourish.
John Gottman identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the primary conversation patterns that can “ruin” relationships.
Influencer Thuy Lé has been with her boyfriend for over 14 years and the couple recently started seeing a relationship therapist.
Their therapist explained to them how Gottman’s principles can affect all couples – and what are the main signs everyone should watch out for.
“We’ve had some struggles in our relationship, but we do so many things that we definitely shouldn’t do,” Thuy said.
Influencer Thuy Le has been with her boyfriend for over 14 years and the couple recently started seeing a relationship therapist.
1. Criticism
Thuy explained that there is a difference between criticizing and complaining.
“Criticism is when you attack your partner’s personality traits or character traits. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything about your partner’s behavior that bothers you.
“You’re entitled to your feelings and you should let them know if they’ve hurt you – but it’s how you say it that really matters.”
It is essential to pay attention to your tone and think before you speak.
Thuy gave an example: If your partner always leaves the toilet seat up, don’t call them lazy or stupid, just point out the tendency and ask them to make sure it’s down next time.
2. Contempt
“My therapist said that contempt is the most destructive of the four traits — it’s when you show blatant disrespect toward your partner,” Thuy revealed.
This can range from things like abuse and insults to name calling and rolling your eyes.
“It tends to happen when you’re arguing with your partner and you end up saying things you don’t mean,” she explained.
“You both end up feeling unappreciated.
“Try not to argue when you’re really upset, because you’ll never reach a resolution.”
The therapist suggested taking some time for yourself and then coming back to each other when you are calmer.
3. Defense
Another trait that couples struggle with is being defensive.
“When you try to turn away and start making excuses, when you don’t take responsibility and blame others, that’s a problem,” the therapist said.
The therapist revealed that criticism and defensiveness often go hand in hand, meaning you tend to argue with your partner.
“My therapist told us to listen to understand, instead of listening to talk,” Thuy said. “It made all the difference.”
4. Stonewalling (the silent treatment)
“The silent treatment is a slow death in a relationship,” the therapist said.
This happens when a person avoids a big argument and confronts the problem head on and prefers to turn the other way.
“The person giving the silent treatment thinks they are doing the right thing by calming the situation down because there is no argument,” she said.
“But it eventually leads to something much worse: One person starts to feel a lot of resentment and the other partner is likely to assume that you don’t care enough about the situation to talk.”
She concluded: “A healthy relationship isn’t a couple that never argues, it’s a couple that knows how to resolve their arguments.”
“We’ve had some struggles in our relationship, but we do so many things that we definitely shouldn’t do,” Thuy said.
Many thanked Thuy for sharing his thoughts and opinions.
“Thank you very much for your clarification. This will help me in the future,” said one.
“My husband and I struggle with stonewalling, it always hurts more when we finally have to confront the issue,” another wrote.
“My problem is that my complaints turn into criticism because there is no recognition or improvement,” one woman shared.
