Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl and sealed it with a sloppy kiss!
Oh no, wait… Patrick Mahomes won Super Bowl 58, but I’m sure Taylor’s caffeinated fans and Joe Biden’s desperate White House will give him all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs’ victory against the 49ers.
It was a veritable yawn-a-thon that turned into an exciting overtime and saw Peppy Patrick go big and be the best team on paper in sunny Las Vegas.
Cue confetti-soaked kisses, steroidal Travis Kelce lifting the Vince Lombardi, shouting ‘Viva Las Vegas’, and super-sexy Brock Purdy crying into his jockstrap.
Almost everything went off the rails for the Chiefs, who started slowly, when Tantruming Travis became enraged like a giant and shoved his 65-year-old coach Andy Reid.
Note to Mr. Kelce: As a semi-retired 34-year-old, you know not to attack the coach who benched him apparently because his tight end wasn’t as steady. Boo hoo, big ham.
Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl and sealed it with a sloppy kiss!
Oh no, wait… Patrick Mahomes won Super Bowl 58, but I’m sure Taylor’s caffeinated fans and Joe Biden’s desperate White House will give him all the credit for the Kansas City Chiefs’ victory against the 49ers.
Cue confetti-soaked kisses, steroidal Travis Kelce lifting the Vince Lombardi, shouting ‘Viva Las Vegas’ and super-sexy Brock Purdy (pictured) crying into his jockstrap.
Note to Mr. Kelce: As a semi-retired 34-year-old, you know not to attack the coach who benched him apparently because his tight end wasn’t as steady. Boo hoo, big ham.
In fact, during the first half, the 49ers were so busy scoring and embarrassing Calamity Kelce, Taylor was probably left wondering if his merciful run back from Tokyo had been worth it after all.
By the way, whatever potions were injected into him on that long flight should soon be moved to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Was it the billions? Was it a glam squad on board? She looked incredibly rested and hot in her $720 corset and schoolgirl pony of hers.
In fact, in the C-Suite it was a night of unbridled WAG-a-licious delight. Blake Lively dressed as a teen cheerleader, Brittany ‘Spears’ Mahomes wrapped in red latex, Ice Spice… still styling her bob with an absurd Cheetos shine.
Camera-shy hugs, snorting contests, and visibly tense abdomens. I think we all need to shake off the Taylor hangover today!
Speaking of shaking, Usher came out on his skates to put on arguably one of the worst halftime shows in history.
Stumbling through her ‘hits’ (don’t ask me to name them) and moving her parts, she was sweating like Whitney Houston in a heat wave (side note: sorry Reba McEntire, but your timid National Anthem wasn’t Whitney-worthy).
Not even a sudden striptease show could save this halftime. Neither did Alicia Keys, parachuting from Hamas headquarters in her ruby-encrusted jumpsuit to deliver even more bad grades.
The skates, that horrible, dazzling chest plate of false abs, the complete lack of melody… all a great Xanadon does not for my money.
Speaking of shaking, Usher came out on his skates to put on arguably one of the worst halftime shows in history.
Upstairs in the C-Suite, it was a night of unbridled WAG-a-licious delight. Blake Lively dressed as a teenage cheerleader, Brittany ‘Spears’ Mahomes wrapped in red latex, Ice Spice… still styling her bob with an absurd Cheeto shine.
Camera-shy hugs, snorting contests, and visibly tense abdomens. I think we all need to shake off the Taylor hangover today! (Pictured: Brittany Mahomes).
When the cameras weren’t on Team Tay, a slight relief came when all the trite Hollywood types lined up to ogle and sneer in a parade of casting commercials.
There was the trailer for the movie Wicked…. bouncing the release of Beyoncé’s Verizon country album… and Ben Affleck-Lopez looking happier than ever as he danced through his Dunkin’ millions, even if his annoying wife was shamelessly flirting with Tom Brady.
From Victoria B to Jennifer A to Addison Rae, we took a look at the full sweep of the alphabet from the A to Z List.
But my favorite was an irritated Christopher Walken who had to endure a barrage of Christopher Walken impressions that made me want to go out and buy a BMW. (Michael Cera, who sells CeraVe moisturizer, also gets a special mention.)
If they weren’t on the screen, they were leaning on the stands: Jay and Bey, Crazy Kanye and the Kardashian clan, Gaga decked out in sparklers, Jon Hamm and Justin Bieber.
People get tired of omnipresent people making everything on Earth about themselves (sorry, Taylor), so thank goodness the slow Chiefs found their mojo and lit up the second half.
When things got tense, Taylor covered up and bit her nails, but the Chiefs tied it in the last three seconds (You know how to keep a girl waiting, guys!) It took us to overtime glory.
If they weren’t on the screen, they were leaning on the stands: Jay and Bey, Crazy Kanye (pictured with wife Bianca Censori) and the Kardashian clan, Gaga decked out in kitty-eyed flares, Jon Hamm and Justin Bieber. .
In the end, it came down to a coin flip, when 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan elected to receive the ball, giving Macho Mahomes the fuel he needed to prove that he is the Joan Collins of this football dynasty.
In fact, if not for Mahomes’ virile dashes and dodges to rush for more yards than his teammates combined (and no thanks to Testy Travis), San Francisco might have maintained its early double-digit lead.
Six years Kelce’s junior and a doting young father, this poised quarterback could teach Taylor Swift a thing or two.
Now all that’s left for Taylor is to put Travis on his sore bent knee, offering him some matching finger accessories to match his #87 diamond pendant. After all, she doesn’t want J-Lo to take him away from her!