Considering they had never met, the death last month of actor Timothy West, 90, hit Caroline Bailey hard. “It’s because he knew he was leaving behind his beloved wife Prunella Scales, who has dementia,” he says.
“I also know exactly what that means for the grieving family who will have to care for her, because that is my life too.”
Prunella, 92, who suffers from vascular dementia, was partly cared for by Timothy at their south London home, where they had lived for almost all of their 61 years of marriage. Although the actor finally died in a nursing home in Wandsworth.
Since the death of her own father, Caroline’s daily reality, 56, is caring for her mother Pat Capell, 78, affected by dementia. And just as Timothy West’s son Samuel has said the family isn’t sure if Prunella understands that her husband has died, Caroline fears the same is true for her mother.
Last month also came news that This Morning editor Martin Frizell would resign next spring to focus on “family priorities”. His wife of 27 years, television presenter Fiona Phillips, announced last year that he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, aged 62.
Caroline knows better than many the impact this diagnosis has on the wider family. For four years, her father Keith was his wife’s primary caregiver. She became the “woman of the house,” Caroline says. “Before Mom’s diagnosis, they had a very happy marriage that lasted 50 years.”
Sadly, Keith’s tender loving care for Pat was cut short in 2021, when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer and died five months later, aged 75.
For four years, Keith Bailey was the main carer for his dementia-stricken wife Pat, says his daughter Caroline.
‘They were never separated. It was a beautiful love story. They just needed each other,” Caroline says.
Pat and Keith were teenage sweethearts and married in 1967. Working as an engineer for a company in Leicester, Keith was the breadwinner, while Pat looked after Caroline and her younger brother, Mark.
“Mom was a strong woman who knew what she thought, but she was devoted to Dad and, years later, Dad did the same for her.”
But in June 2016, their domestic bliss completely changed. After a month of growing concern about Pat’s forgetfulness, she was at the hospital for a routine appointment when a nurse agreed with Caroline’s suggestion that she be evaluated for dementia.
“At one point, they asked Mom to trace the numbers on a clock face and she turned them all upside down,” Caroline recalls.
All the signs were there, just as they were for Prunella Scales, who was officially diagnosed with dementia in 2014.
Timothy West had talked about how Prunella would initially forget his lines on stage or ask him the same questions. For Pat, it was making a cup of tea and forgetting to put the water on.
‘Once his condition was confirmed, we noticed a lot more things. He forgot that Sunday’s joint was in the oven and it came out incinerated. Or she would mention a neighbor she knew well and she wouldn’t know who I was talking about.
The death last month of actor Timothy West, 90, hit Caroline hard because she knew he was leaving behind his beloved wife Prunella Scales.
Initially, Caroline’s father wanted to protect his wife from what was happening. “Dad didn’t want her to feel ashamed or embarrassed,” Caroline says. “There’s no doubt he was a little in denial and afraid to face his uncertain future and what it meant.”
However, six months after the diagnosis it became clear that her mother was not coping. Dirty clothes accumulated or were left in the machine, clean clothes were not stored. ‘Every time we left the house, we had to give her instructions one at a time or she couldn’t cope. It had to be “put on your shoes, now put on your coat.”’
At the time, Keith, who had retired in 2010, was receiving lessons from Caroline on how to operate the washing machine. “I had to show him where the soap powder went, how much to use, and what all the buttons were for.”
Then, in July 2020, Keith’s health deteriorated. It took her months to recover from an attack of shingles, initially attributed to her age and the exhaustion of caring for Pat.
In December of that year he was diagnosed with bowel cancer.
“When Dad got the terrible news, Mom couldn’t be left alone,” says Caroline. “But he had also made it clear that he didn’t want to go to a nursing home.
‘There was only one other option. My husband Ray and I left our beloved home of 32 years and moved in with mom and dad. I quickly realized that my life was going to change, as was my husband’s.’
Caroline, who has no children, left her customer service job to become Pat’s primary carer. Meanwhile, Ray changed his job as a computer programmer so he could work from home in British Gas customer service.
Since her father’s death from bowel cancer in 2021, 56-year-old Caroline’s daily reality is caring for her 78-year-old mother.
Pat and Keith are pictured with Caroline’s younger brother Mark in 1974.
‘Mom knew Dad was unwell, so our arrival didn’t surprise her. We never told him about Dad’s cancer. It wouldn’t have made sense.”
In May 2021, Caroline’s father passed away on their 32nd wedding anniversary. “When I told Mom, her heart broke and she cried for hours. Then a few hours later that day she asked me where I was and I had to remind her that she was gone.
‘The next day he asked me again and again burst into tears. It was very difficult for me to relive Dad’s death over and over again.
‘Mom cried: “I didn’t know. Why hasn’t anyone told me? So we stopped telling him, it seemed too cruel to us. We just said that Dad was working late and she was jokingly asking him if he was with another woman.
Pat was involved in all the funeral plans, although she didn’t know whose funeral they were planning. “He was still her husband and it seemed wrong to exclude her,” Caroline says.
On the day of the funeral, Pat never once asked whose it was. ‘Mom behaved as if she were in the daytime with her whole family, smiling and greeting everyone. She only cried when I cried, but when I asked her, I didn’t know why she got emotional. Now mom rarely mentions it. We can’t be sure if she understands that he’s gone or not.
Martin Frizell, editor of This Morning, will leave his role next year. His wife of 27 years, presenter Fiona Phillips, announced in 2023 that she had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, aged 62.
Nowadays, Pat can’t be left alone, so Caroline and Ray never leave the house at the same time. ‘Mom has a very structured routine that I follow every day. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t wash and would sit in her nightgown all day.
Nights can be challenging too. Caroline makes sure Pat takes her meds, has a milk drink, and is in bed by 9:30 p.m.
“If she falls asleep in the next hour, we’ll probably be fine, but if not, we could be up all night.”
He could walk into our room and stand next to our bed looking at us. She likes to tuck me in because in her head I’m still her five-year-old daughter. Sometimes you may not be able to sleep even an hour peacefully.
‘I remind myself that she doesn’t understand that she is causing frustration. I’m not sure I can manage without Ray’s help. He’s been nothing but supportive, but there are times when he just goes out and sits in the car for half an hour to give himself some space.’
Alone time together is a thing of the past for the couple. But caring for Pat has brought them closer.
‘I have a lot of admiration and love for Ray. He gets along very well with mom and wanting to help is part of his DNA. He’ll take it out when he realizes I’m getting overwhelmed.
There is little respite, even television is limited because Pat cannot distinguish between what is real and what is not. During the day you’ll look at old photographs together, do some coloring, or take a walk listening to Pat’s favorite music from the 1950s.
Losing half their income means Caroline and Ray have swapped their overseas holidays for trips to Dorset or Somerset, where Pat will join them. ‘Sometimes it can be very difficult, but when I was a child, mom gave me everything she could. Just like Dad did for as long as he could… This is my time to pay it forward.’
- The Alzheimer’s Society provides help and hope to those affected by dementia by calling 0333 150 3456 or visiting alzheimers.org.uk.