His mask fell off on our wedding night.
It is a moment etched in my memory. The party was over, we were alone in our suite and he looked me dead in the eye and said it.
“By the way, I don’t want to have any more children with you or anyone.”
I could have cried right there in our hotel room. I was a single mother of one when I started dating David* two years earlier. I had always wanted to have more children and, up until that point, David, who was also a single father when we met, had said he wanted to too.
oh my godI thought. It was all a lie. Why would I lie about that?
My entire world, my vision of my future and our marriage, fell apart in a matter of seconds. But the expression on his face did not change.
I wish I could go back in time, grab the naive, scared woman I was then by the shoulders and say, ‘Run.’ Just get out of there.’
Unfortunately that’s not what happened.
My husband’s mask fell off on our wedding night. It is a moment etched in my memory. The party was over, we were alone and he looked me straight in the eyes and said it… (Archive image)
David was a narcissistic sociopath, incapable of feeling human emotions. He hid his true self from me for two years until our wedding night.
Then he trapped me in an abusive marriage for 17 excruciating years.
You’re probably wondering: why so long? He abused me so often that it became “normal” and if I wanted to leave, he threatened to destroy me. Every time I tried to escape from him, he physically overpowered me. He often went to work with bruises on his arms. When my colleagues asked why, I had to lie to their faces.
Every day during our marriage I would stare at the front door desperately wanting to leave, but I couldn’t. I was trapped in my own house with this demon of a man who controlled my money, my decisions, my entire life.
He stole almost two decades of my life, not to mention almost all the money I made during my successful career as a real estate agent.
And during his relentless campaign of physical and psychological abuse, he stripped me of everything. that once brought me joy: my confidence, my sense of identity, my friends, my career, my freedom.
I still remember the woman I was before we got married in 2006. I had a career I loved, a son, and was happy with my lot in life.
I wasn’t actively dating when a friend introduced me to David at lunch in 2004. He was a few years older than me and seemed kind and charming. He told me he was divorcing his second wife. She had everything (the house, custody of the children, the money) and he had to declare bankruptcy.
David* was a narcissistic sociopath, incapable of feeling human emotions (archive image)
Still, David came across as loving and caring. Now I recognize our courtship for what it really was: I love bombing.
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists and sociopaths to overwhelm a person with affection. He would take me out to dinner, buy me flowers and gifts, and act like I was going to live a luxurious life with him.
Then I should have caught the signs.
It started with throwaway comments about what I was wearing or what I thought about my friends. These comments became an everyday occurrence.
Six months into the relationship, one of my friends said something to me that should have made me break up with him immediately.
‘You know, he’s a real bully. He is bullying you. It’s already telling you what to wear. It’s already telling you who you can be friends with,’ he said.
He had a beautiful piano and he didn’t want me to play music. When I bought a house a few years later, he said, “I don’t want an old piano in the house.” You’re going to have to get rid of him.’
I also had a cat that I absolutely adored and he made me get rid of him, which broke my heart. I just wanted peace, so I didn’t back down.
I was accommodating and obeyed his demands even then.
There were red flags about David, but our author was convinced he had a “loving and caring” side. All that went out the window as soon as they got married (file image)
I also became David’s personal secretary because of his stubborn refusal to learn how to use a computer. I would stay up at night writing letters to him..
When I told him that I had to go to bed because I had to get up early the next day to go to work, he would respond, “Well, that’s a shame.”
He was a coercive control freak and really nasty, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
It got to the point where he controlled everything I did: I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t catch up to see my friends, I couldn’t spend money on the things I wanted. He monitored every phone call, everything I did at work.
Even when we were planning our wedding, she said, ‘You can’t wear a dress that shows cleavage.’ I don’t want people to see your breasts. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Before the wedding, a friend of mine called me in a panic. ‘I really don’t think you should get married. I know it’s embarrassing to cancel, but I really think you’re making a big mistake.
Yes you’re right. I’m very scared but I have to stop this.
That’s what I should have said. Instead, I made excuses to David.
‘Oh, you know, he’s a little different to me, but it will do me good to be part of a family again. It will be good for my son too,’ I replied. I was already falling under his spell, in what I now know is a tactic called conditioning.
Luckily, those same friends never gave up on me. They were the ones who offered me a bed when I finally escaped from David at 17 years old. later.
The thing about dating a narcissistic sociopath is that you don’t realize what you’re losing until you lose it completely. It’s so incremental. You don’t step back and look at what the person is taking from you. I began to think that living in his prison was normal.
His controlling behavior got much worse after a few years of marriage.
While we were having dinner, he told me in front of everyone: “You’re not going to have another glass of wine,” even though I had only had one or two glasses. It made me feel very ashamed, like I was some kind of alcoholic.
I started dressing to hide my figure because he wouldn’t let me wear anything nice. I only started to question it when one of my friends told me: ‘You used to wear sexy clothes and now you dress like a grandmother. I’m worried about you.’
I tried to start my own business, but he constantly put me down and said I would be a failure.
Little by little I got to the point where I was constantly living in fear.
I would go to bed crying, but he would make sure I couldn’t sleep by turning up the TV to a piercing volume.
He would force me to have sex. He grabbed me by the arms and hands and locked me in the bedroom until I submitted to him. I was terrified that this would be my life until the day I died.
When we moved from Sydney to the Gold Coast I was offered another job and I took it. When I got home, he scolded me for not asking ‘permission’.
I was surprised: somehow he had to make money for us. But he said that was irrelevant and that he had to “approve” of everything he did.
I was still working in real estate and he insisted on accompanying me to every appraisal or open house to monitor everyone present.
In the end, he just told me, ‘I don’t like that you work there, I don’t like that guy you work for.’ You’re going to go there today and resign.
And that’s what I had to do, I had to leave my 25-year career behind. I had no choice. I used to be a nurse, so I went back to it.
I thought I would die under his control. Then in 2020, I saw an opportunity.
Covid hit and, for a limited period, the Australian government allowed eligible people to access $10,000 of their super – a type of retirement fund – even if they had not reached retirement age.
I had just turned 60 and saw this as an opportunity to make a financial escape plan without David’s knowledge, since he still controlled all my money.
Even so, I didn’t escape immediately. David’s control over me was so strong that it took almost three years before I managed to free myself from his clutches..
I packed my suitcase while he kept saying, ‘You’re not going, you’re not going.’ I had to push him out of the way (17 years of fear and frustration running through my veins) and then I ran out of the house and into the car.
He roared and raged in the rearview mirror when I hit the accelerator. Tears were streaming down my face, my heart was racing. I drove directly to the police station.
When I arrived, I parked and grabbed my phone from my bag. I called David and told him with all the calm that my body allowed me: ‘I’m at the police station and I’m going to report you, or are you going to let me come back now, take my things and leave.’
He replied, “Okay, come back, but if you try to leave me, I’ll make sure to destroy you financially.” You will leave with nothing.
And that’s exactly what he did.
I took him to court, but the experience was so traumatic and stressful that I had a heart attack.
During the divorce proceedings, my husband refused to provide complete financial information and only offered two pages of a bank statement from his brother.
He dragged out the divorce for over 20 months, meaning I lost almost all of my retirement due to legal fees and rent. At the end of the day, he lied to the court, just as he had lied to everyone during our 17 years of marriage. I didn’t even have enough money left to buy a one-bedroom apartment to retire to. He even took my beloved dog saying it was his.
The court ruled that because he was older, he would keep the majority of the assets, even though I had contributed significantly to our finances during our nearly two decades together.
No prospects of owning a home in At 62 years old, despite having two successful careers in nursing and real estate, I have decided to live in a caravan when I retire. The only positive side is that I will be able to travel around Australia and really enjoy life.
Even with David out of my life, he still has the serious health problems I now experience as a result of the years of stress he put me through. I can’t work full time. I would like to resume my online business, but it is difficult being so poor and sick.
But despite everything I’ve been through and continue to suffer, I consider myself lucky. I looked a monster straight in the eyes and survived..
- As told to Carina Stathis. *Name has been changed