It is a rare pleasure to be able to look back on a… England penalty shootout with positive memories instead of painful ones.
Between 1990 and 2012, this method left so many scars that, over time, they stopped being particularly painful. Try telling me that Andrea Pirlo’s Panenka film hurt as much as Chris Waddle’s suborbital space launch.
England are now becoming a penalty-taking team. With the expectation of victoryThree wins in four attempts now under Gareth Southgate, England’s most unfairly maligned public figure since James Blunt.
Yes, we are counting the Nations League semi-final against Switzerland. With England’s record, they have to take advantage of every possible win. Switzerland must now look at England with the same respect and fear that England used to have for Germany.
What can we take from the best images of the Düsseldorf penalties?
Tradition be damned, there are no arms around shoulders, no performative displays of unity, just a cute bunch of lads choosing their own path. Luke Shaw (3) and Declan Rice (4) strike a power stance with legs spread, Ivan Toney (17) aims for something similar but clearly needs another private tuition session with Sajid Javid. Trent Alexander-Arnold (8) slightly weakens his attempt by taking too much interest in the paintwork of the halfway line.
Jude Bellingham (10) plays it cool, cruising in a neutral position, Eberechi Eze (21) has retreated into a private contemplation zone while John Stones (5) prefers to adopt the stance of a quarterback in case Bukayo Saka throws the ball to him from the penalty spot.
At the top of the class is Cole Palmer (24), who seems to be getting told off for chewing by a substitute teacher he doesn’t respect. At the bottom is veteran Kyle Walker (2), who has gotten the classic headache from nerves and tension at the worst possible time.
Don’t curse tradition, here’s the show of unity that takes place with arms around shoulders. Most of England are using the hashtag #owningthebodylaunguage, which surely appears in one of the PowerPoint presentations they’ve seen to prepare for this moment. Walker is the only one who has really let the team down, as he seems to be looking at the shoot-out with a mixture of disgust and distrust.
When England discuss their penalty shoot-out behaviour on Monday with the analyst, the assistant analyst, the assistant analyst, the sports psychologist, the healer and, for some reason, Tom Heaton, they will be asked what the problem is with this picture. Once again, Kyle, you need to exude more confidence in these moments. Next time take a paracetamol or six more energy drinks.
Meanwhile, those who remained on the bench, who stayed away from the pre-penalty match but who nevertheless had time to rehearse their routine, can be seen with Kieran Trippier, the closest to the camera, who is about to start the Mexican wave.
Hooray! England have done it! As expected, there was joy and delight from most of the group, but one must consider Shaw, who simply celebrates with a clenched fist and makes a beeline for the Swiss team’s hand. Saka took a moment to say a private prayer before joining the crowd. However, there was no stopping Declan Rice, who seemed delighted to have won and not have had to take a penalty.
Euphoria. Laughter. Running. All good things.
You see, England can charge forward as a unit. Admittedly with one member of the team on the knee, another more interested in making friends with the opposition and Stones celebrating as if Andi Peters has just told him he has won this week’s competition on Live & Kicking.
Remember when this only happened to other countries? Try to keep that in mind during the inevitably tough moments against the Netherlands on Wednesday.
