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The only thing we know about narcissists is that they lack empathy. So what to make of a new psychological type – the “dark empath” – similar to a narcissist in being manipulative and cold-hearted, but who, at first glance, positively reeks of compassion?
‘Dark empathy’ was first characterized in a 2021 study published in the journal Personality and Individual Difference, as having ‘high levels of psychopathy (being impulsive and ruthless), narcissism (grandiose and authoritarian), and Machiavellianism (being strategic and manipulator). in the presence of empathy.’
It identified “dark empath” as a combination of traits displayed by 19.3 percent of the 1,000 people surveyed. Doing the math, that could mean that one in five of us is a dark empath. However, as Nadja Heym, co-author of the study and associate professor of personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University, warned, “the trait exists on a continuum: it’s not that everyone has a personality disorder.” “.
This hasn’t stopped TikTok from going crazy, with 17.4 million posts on the topic. Not surprisingly, there is confusion and concern. If this monstrous-sounding type of person seems kind and caring, how are we going to spot him and stay away?
Let’s first clarify what we’re dealing with here, says Dr Sarah Davies, psychologist and author of Raised By Narcissists.
‘Narcissists have no empathy. Neither do sociopaths or psychopaths. These personality types, which constitute what psychologists call “the Dark Triad,” don’t experience empathy like the rest of us. That’s why they can treat people terribly: they have no remorse, no guilt, no moral guidance.’
So is it possible, as researchers suggest, to be in the dark triad and experience some empathy? Dr Davies is not so sure.
Normal people experience “affective empathy,” he says. This is genuine empathy: the ability to understand and feel another person’s emotions. ‘Usually then we feel compassionate and supportive. So if you’re going through a tough time, an empathetic person can really feel that with you, feel genuinely touched and motivated to be kind to you.’
Dr. Sarah Davies says dark empaths learn to express empathy, but don’t actually feel any.
Narcissists and dark empaths: Do not feel emotional empathy. What they have is “cognitive empathy.” That is, Dr. Davies says, “they understand it on an intellectual level.” They can perform empathy.” They fake it.
They “learn” their “empathy” script by observing the behavior of genuinely kind people. They then act compassionately to manipulate others. They’re thinking, ‘I can tell you’re upset.’ I can see how you feel. I don’t care, but I know what to say or do to make it seem like I care.’
To Dr. Davies, the “dark empath” sounds suspiciously like a “vulnerable, covert narcissistic type.” (The alarming thing is that not all narcissists are obvious or “overt”: not all are blatantly insensitive, boastful, vain, arrogant and entitled.)
She explains: “The more covert and vulnerable type of narcissist may experience a type of maladaptive affective empathy, that is, they are able to relate to more negative or extreme emotional experiences of others.” They have the ability to show up, like a good Samaritan, when you’re down and mimic “caring” and “empathy.”
This sneaky, covert narcissist is “much more willing to share his weaknesses, vulnerabilities, fears, worries, health problems, etc.,” says Dr. Davies. So you may be feeling delicate after the breakup of a relationship. They tell you convincingly that they too have been hurt in love; Well, they felt as raw as a peeled onion.
“This may seem like a genuine connection and exchange,” he says. It is not. “People who are genuinely empathetic are in danger of falling into this class of people.” And then: “It’s only a matter of time before the abuse and control begins.”
Dark empaths are hard to spot. Hiding in plain sight, they will appear loving, supportive and sensitive, but in reality they just want to manipulate you. So how do you recognize the warning signs? The following telltale traits, Dr. Davies says, will eventually give them away.
Dark empaths hide in plain sight. They may seem kind but may have disturbing ulterior motives.
Dark Empaths Ignore Boundaries
They cross people’s limits, under the pretext of kindness. For example, if you’re dating a dark empath and you tell them, “I’m tired, I’m going to stay home and go to bed early, alone,” then they’ll show up at your door, unexpectedly, with gifts. This seems loving, but it’s a red flag: they simply haven’t respected your wishes.
They need constant validation
Even though you seem to sympathize with their problems, you will realize that this person needs constant praise, reassurance, or attention. The dark empath will abruptly end a “good” relationship, in which their partner knows their flaws, so they can start over, comfortably unknown, with someone new.
Dark Empaths Love to Micromanage
It may not be obvious at first, but they are controlling and if given the chance, they will control it. Perhaps you have witnessed the mistreatment of a mutual friend. If the dark empath realizes that you have been arguing and questioning their distorted version of events, you will feel the sharp end of their narcissistic rage or be punished with the silent treatment.
They use people’s weaknesses to manipulate
Dark empaths seem caring, but they use fear and undermine you to get what they want. For example, after one of my clients was fired, a colleague began acting as a shoulder to cry on. Finally they started dating. At first, he offered financial support while she looked for a new job, but increasingly told her to “relax and focus on her health.” His goal was to make her financially dependent on him. It is a way for an abuser to control their partner.
Dark Empaths Will Show Jealousy
Although they may pretend to be “caring,” dark empaths feel negatively about other people’s successes. So, as they help you celebrate a new job or achievement, you’ll notice that their feedback is astutely crushing. ‘Nowadays they let anyone be a teacher!’ Or “How impressive to run a marathon at your size.”