You have met a new partner and you are in the first wave of love. But how can you tell if they really are The One or if, deep down, they don’t really believe in monogamy? Interestingly, relationship expert Louanne Ward from Perth, Australia, believes there are ways to predict a potential cheater. During 20 years as a certified matchmaker, with her own successful agency, she has seen the signs and discovered the patterns that often point to future infidelity.
And with one in three Australians admitting in a 2024 survey to having cheated or thinking about cheating, the likelihood of dating someone who cheats is higher than you think.
It’s by no means a given, but if your partner meets any of these five requirements, she says to be careful: he or she may have a wandering eye…
1. They have a high “body count”
It’s not a very woke phrase and some people don’t like to ask, but the reality is that someone who has had many sexual partners, or many ‘hooks’ that involve sex without emotional connection, may be more prone to seeking variety or struggling with long-term exclusivity.
This doesn’t mean they are incapable of commitment, but it could indicate a higher risk. On the other hand, someone who has been in a long-term relationship before – no cheating! – is a safer bet.
To discover this risk, ask your partner: What is your opinion on one-night stands?
Louanne Ward, a certified matchmaker in Perth, has observed “patterns” that are fairly reliable indicators that a person is going to be unfaithful in a relationship.
2. One or both parents were unfaithful
It sounds counterintuitive, but people who grew up in a home where a parent cheated are more likely to consider infidelity an acceptable practice than those who didn’t. They likely see it as less harmful and more inevitable because it has been normalized in their formative years.
Chat with your boyfriend or girlfriend about their childhood home and what kind of marriage their parents had, and take notes!
Ask your partner these questions: Has infidelity ever occurred in your parents’ relationship? How did that influence your views on loyalty?
3. They have a history of cheating.
This isn’t rocket science, but it’s certainly backed by science. A 2017 American study found that those who were unfaithful in one relationship were three times more likely to be unfaithful in the next, compared to those who embraced monogamy.
A new love who tells you that he cheated on you in the past and ignores it should set alarm bells ringing. And if you were the Other Woman (or man) and they left her (or him) for you, how surprised can you really feel if they do the same to you?
Ask your partner these questions: Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship? What led to that decision and how do you feel about it now?
4. They have an “avoidant attachment style”
In the mid-20th century, British psychoanalyst John Bowlby identified the “attachment styles” we learn as babies and are now considered key to understanding how people relate to their romantic partners.
People with avoidant attachment avoid emotional closeness and intimacy and often struggle with commitment. They often fear that dependence on another person will lead to disappointment and loss.
If your potential partner often cancels plans, finds it difficult to talk about his or her feelings, has cheated on you in the past and then returned (known as a “zombie”), lacks empathy, or distrusts others, he or she may have an avoidant attachment.
Lack of bonding at a deeper level means you don’t feel responsible for each other’s feelings and won’t see cheating as the deep betrayal you consider it to be.
Ask your partner this question: Have you ever felt the need to disconnect and spend periods of time alone for no real reason?
5. They are too impulsive
There’s nothing wrong with a little spontaneity, especially if it’s romantic in nature. But that’s very different from someone who is at the mercy of all their emotions or makes risky decisions on a whim. If they are prone to angry outbursts or overreact to the slightest setback, if they seem to act on impulse and don’t care what people think, then the chances of infidelity increase.
Ask your partner this question: Do you think it is possible to remain sexually attracted to the same person for a long period of time?
People with avoidant attachment often struggle with intimacy and commitment. Learning to distance yourself emotionally and physically potentially leads to infidelity
To nip infidelity in the bud, draft a ‘relationship agreement’
Seeing one or more of these ‘predictors’ in a partner does not guarantee that they will be unfaithful, of course. Instead, consider them as red flags and use them to inform your overall outlook on the relationship. Talk to your partner about how you feel and why you think he or she is at higher risk of cheating.
Or better yet, ask to draft a “relationship agreement” that helps both partners feel safe and respected.
An agreement like this is a mutual understanding of what you want the relationship to be to ensure it is healthy and happy. Think of it as a way to keep your sex life thriving and manage temptations that may arise elsewhere.
It is not a binding contract or set of rules, but rather a way to help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts by ensuring that both partners are on the same page when it comes to fidelity.
Here are some ideas for his relationship agreement.
1. We will have regular checks
We agree to schedule regular conversations about our sexual and emotional needs, especially when life changes, such as if we have children or if work becomes stressful. These check-ins will help us stay connected and ensure we both feel fulfilled.
2. We will change our sex life
We agree that as we grow individually, our needs may change. Let’s commit to discussing any new desires that arise, without any judgment. This will prevent our sex life from becoming repetitive and will keep our relationship strong.
3. We will not judge the fantasies of others.
What if we created a safe space where we can talk about our fantasies? Just because we discuss them doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Sometimes it’s enough to talk about them. By having this agreement we prevent these thoughts from becoming something that can damage our relationship.
4. We will have ‘pre-infidelity discussions’
Let’s agree to be open if one of us feels a strong attraction to another person. We could talk about it before it becomes a problem, which could help prevent infidelity and keep our mutual trust intact.
5. We will set limits when it comes to ex-partners
We could agree on certain boundaries that make us both feel safe; for example, how we interact with ex-partners or friends who may represent a temptation. In this way, we respect each other’s feelings and maintain trust.
An “agreement” in a relationship is a mutual understanding or decision made by both partners to follow certain principles or actions to maintain the health and happiness of the relationship.
The three types of cheaters and how to differentiate them
Not all cheaters are the same! Some will fall into traps and others plan it meticulously. For many, infidelity is opportunistic and leaves them consumed by guilt. But for the defamatory few, it is repeated over and over again without any remorse. Here’s everything you need to know about the three main types…
If caught, “accidental” cheaters say things like, “We didn’t set out to hurt anyone” and “I love you, but I’m not sure I’m still in love with you.”
The ‘accidental’ cheater
- This type of cheater will start out talking about a new person at work, at their tennis club, or at the gym, and you won’t think about it too much until you start to wonder why you hear so much about that person. Then, as if by magic, poof, this new person disappears from the radar and is never mentioned again. That’s when the matter began.
- They stay at work more often and travel or go out more often.
- At home there is less sex and affection and they don’t kiss you like before.
- They have an increasing and suspicious use of social networks. They will close apps and pages when you enter the room.
- They are groomed or shaved to perfection and have new clothes or lingerie that you haven’t seen before.
- When the deception is revealed, they convince themselves and anyone who knows that it is a very difficult situation and that the world should feel sorry for them.
- They will use phrases like: ‘We didn’t set out to hurt anyone’ and ‘I love you but I’m not sure if I’m still in love with you.’
The ‘only’ cheater
- This cheater is one who momentarily loses his or her mind during a break from routine, such as during a boys’ or girls’ vacation, weekend, or business trip.
- Upon their return, they seem distant and unusually uncommunicative or go out of their way to tell you how much they love you.
- They will have moments of guilt and buy you unexpected gifts or even suggest taking your relationship to the next level.
- They will take you to nice places but the conversation is forced. Maybe you ask what’s wrong and they’ll tell you, ‘Nothing, I’ve never been happier.’
- They attribute this unusual distance to “stress at work.”
- They dream a lot because they are about to become…
The ‘serial’ cheater
- Casual cheaters can become serial criminals: If a cheater gets their way, the thrill of doing so can become passionate.
- But serial cheaters are also a species of their own. They are often narcissistic, well versed in deception and difficult to detect because they master their craft.
- They go out of their way to tell you that their ex was insecure and that they have friends of the opposite sex. After feeding this highly manipulative line, the serial cheater now has his “get out of jail free” card if he needs to use it.
- They get defensive when you ask them about their night or who they were with.
- They’ll say things like, ‘Why are you asking me? You’re making me feel like I’ve done something wrong’ or ‘Why do you suddenly feel insecure? I’m not going to talk about that.’
- In your heart you know something isn’t right, but the cunning serial criminal almost makes you believe it’s all in your head. In fact, they will confess their undying love to you and at the same time suggest that you seek help because you are ruining the relationship with your insecurities.