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I’m 70 years old and I’ve been single all my life. And before you feel sorry for me, please don’t. I have no doubt that the single life is my best life.
Not only is it better than being with a bad romantic partner, it’s better than any romantic partner, no matter how wonderful that person is.
And far from being a rarity, I think there are many people like me. I call them “singles at heart.” For these people, being single is the most joyful, authentic, meaningful and fulfilling life.
We are not single because we are running away from something or because we have “problems.” We are single because we love what the single life has to offer.
Growing up, I never knew there was an option to remain happily single. I was surrounded by the cultural script, which insists that what human beings want more than anything else is a committed romantic relationship.
People who choose to be single are not sad or lonely; in fact, studies have shown that single people, on average, are more connected to more people (stock image)
In that scenario, no one wants to be single, at least not for long. If they think they do, they’re fooling themselves. And if they really do stay single, they’ll feel increasingly sad and lonely as they get older.
Now I know better. As a social psychologist who has studied singleness and single people since 1992, I can tell you that the myths about singles are completely wrong.
People who choose to be single are not sad or lonely; in fact, studies have shown that single people, on average, are more connected to more people.
Compared to married people, we socialize with friends and neighbors more often and keep in touch with our parents more regularly. While couples may have the right person, we have the right person.
And as for regretting being single as we get older, again, not true. Research shows that single people become increasingly happier with their single life as they approach middle age and head into old age. In fact, as I get older, my single life is only getting better.
And I’m not unique.
All over the world, the number of people like me is growing and has been for decades.
Two surveys by the Pew Research Center show that of all singles surveyed who were not in a relationship, at least half had no interest in having a romantic relationship or even dating.
More than 70 percent said the reason they weren’t interested in leaving being single was that they liked being single.
I’ve interviewed dozens of singles and surveyed 20,000 people for my book, Single At Heart: The Power, Freedom And Joy Of Single Life.
The people I spoke to described a life filled with love, a love that encompasses much more than mere romantic love.
They described freedom, rewarding careers and travel, joyfully detailing the liberation that comes with refusing to live someone else’s version of the good life and finding their own happy ending.
My message to anyone who is drawn to the single life but is uncomfortable with the expectations and pressures of society, family, and the media: don’t stop being single! The risk you face is not what you will miss if you don’t find a romantic partner, but what you will miss if you do.
So, are you single at heart? Whatever your relationship status, here are five telltale signs that you might be…
1. You are happier when you are single
The single life is your happy place. That doesn’t mean you’re happy all the time; no one is. But it does mean that if you’ve tried being in a relationship, it hasn’t been all that comfortable.
![The five signs that you are DESTINED to be single, according to psychologist DRA. BELLA DEPAULO 7 People who are not looking for a romantic partner are especially happy.](https://whatsnew2day.com/wp-content/uploads/cwv-webp-images/2024/08/1724619996_728_The-five-signs-that-you-are-DESTINED-to-be-single.jpg.webp)
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are especially happy.
Many single people at heart have told me that they had previously found their soul mate, someone they loved and who loved them, but that life organized around a partner just didn’t compare to the joy and deep satisfaction they experience when they are alone.
People who are not looking for a romantic partner are especially happy. The more they invest in their lives, the happier they become.
2. You appreciate your freedom
When I asked singles at heart what they liked about being alone, they all mentioned freedom. They described how delightful it is to organize their daily routines just the way they want, from what they eat to when they sleep.
Within the limits of their resources and opportunities, they can live where they want and do the work they want.
They can spend time with as many different people as they want. They have financial freedom; regardless of whether they have a lot or very little money, they decide what to do with it.
They use their freedom to be there for people who need them and for their communities. They can all chart their own course in life, and this is something they value highly.
3. You feel more sexually satisfied.
At the heart of single life is authenticity. You can be who you really are, sexually and in every other way too.
I have found that people who are not looking for a partner are even more sexually satisfied than those who are.
They have their sexual freedom. They can experiment with different kinds of sex and with different kinds of people, as often as they want and whenever they want. Sexual freedom is also the freedom to not bother with sex, if it just doesn’t interest them.
4. You savor your loneliness
![The five signs that you are DESTINED to be single, according to psychologist DRA. BELLA DEPAULO 9 Savoring solitude is your secret superpower. Not being afraid of being alone protects you from feeling lonely](https://whatsnew2day.com/wp-content/uploads/cwv-webp-images/2024/08/1724620001_626_The-five-signs-that-you-are-DESTINED-to-be-single.jpg.webp)
Savoring solitude is your secret superpower. Not being afraid of being alone protects you from feeling lonely
You appreciate the time you have to yourself. For you, solitude is often a time to relax, reflect, recharge, or be creative or spiritual. When you’re alone, you’re in tune with who you really are. You can do whatever you want, even do nothing at all, without having to endure the judgment of others.
Savoring solitude is your secret superpower. Not being afraid of being alone protects you from feeling lonely.
As an adult, you won’t become the caricature of the sad, lonely old man. You will thrive.
Plus, you can love solitude and also love socializing. In fact, for many single-at-heart people, enjoying solitude to the fullest makes them better friends and companions to their friends and family.
5. You felt relieved when a romance ended
Single people at heart, like anyone else, can feel pain when a relationship ends. But they often feel something else, too: relief. Even if the relationship was lovely, even if you loved your partner and your partner loved you back, a part of you felt glad it was over.
I have heard these stories over and over again during my many decades of research. One gay man told me that when he was in a relationship, he fantasized every day about being single again. A straight woman confessed that during her marriage, she often fantasized about being single and free.
Don’t let the pressure of living someone else’s version of the good life stop you from being happy forever. If you think you might be single at heart, own it!
- Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Joy of the Single Life by Dr. Bella DePaulo (Souvenir Press, £14.99)
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