While reading the WhatsApp message from one of my best friends, my heart started pounding.
The only one in our group chat who is still single was dating a new man and asked our opinion. “He seems great, good for you!” We all responded in chorus.
Then we quickly created a dissident group on the app, without it, to express our true opinions…
But his furious message showed that several of us had posted some thoughts in the main group by mistake. She now knew that the rest of us agreed that he was “too young,” ten years her junior, and that there was something “a little strange” and “dodgy” about him.
Creating a splinter group can lead to all sorts of problems, especially if someone accidentally reveals that one exists to those who are excluded.
Welcome to the modern dangers of the WhatsApp subgroup, those dissident cliques we create to gossip and complain about all the other people in our larger group chats.
Going to a bachelorette party that’s way over budget? Create a subgroup with some of the other hens to complain about the bride or bridesmaid, or whoever is driving the expensive party.
In a large office, do you group chat with colleagues while everyone works on a project together? You’ll need a subgroup to complain that your boss or team member isn’t pulling their weight.
And I don’t think there has ever been a group of school mothers who haven’t created a separate WhatsApp group.
If you’re reading this and thinking ‘what the hell is he talking about?’, I’m sorry to tell you that it probably means you’re the friend who hasn’t been invited to the breakaway chat and is still posting in the main group. , blissfully unaware that the real conversations happen elsewhere.
But for all the clandestine joy these subgroups can bring to those who know them, you really need to focus when using them. If you don’t make sure you’re in the right chat when sending messages, you could end up with confrontations like the one above.
Her feelings hurt, our friend became enraged and stormed out of the group, only to ask to rejoin 20 minutes later. She was so angry that we let it cook for three hours before adding it again.
That’s why I have a love-hate relationship with WhatsApp and the countless groups and subgroups I juggle every day. I’m on so many it’s exhausting, and there’s the constant fear of accidentally posting on the wrong site.
In addition to groups with friends, there are others with family, colleagues, industry partners (I work in fashion), and more chats created for weddings, holidays, and social occasions, most with at least one splinter group to start.
The writer only found out she wasn’t included in a trip to a Beyoncé concert when one of her friends, who was in a secret splinter group, dropped a message about the event in the wrong group chat.
My core group consists of 11 friends and I who have been friends for over 30 years since elementary school. Despite our bond, there’s been plenty of drama along the way, most recently when five of them formed a splinter group to organize tickets to a Beyoncé concert last year, ignoring the fact that I’m a huge fan.
Inevitably, one slipped up with a “can’t wait for Beyonce” message to the main group and all hell broke loose.
Comments from those of us who hadn’t made the cut included: ‘How dare you go on a trip and not invite the rest of us?’ and ‘Who do you think you are in your secret group?’, as well as ‘What else do you talk about in your private chat?’
I felt like I had been left out in the schoolyard and it gave me a real, if temporary, sense of insecurity within the group knowing I had been excluded. And that is the problem. While subgroups are a guilty pleasure for many of us, they always have a whiff of backstabbing or playground bullying. In the end, we all ended up going to the Beyonce concert, after the rest of us bought tickets separately, but tensions were high.
And for a while, there was an element of distrust and a sense of wondering what other groups might exist under the radar.
WhatsApp has also been a threat at work. A few years ago, I suffered harassment at the fashion company where I worked as a buyer. I had a few mornings free to visit my sick father in the hospital, but my manager, a company director, said in what I thought was a breakout group but was actually the departmental talk: “I hope your father is Seriously ill”. And he doesn’t sneak out for job interviews, otherwise it would be abhorrent.
As soon as I saw the message, my heart sank. I felt out of place and isolated in the company and this made me feel worse. It also made me fear what else they had said in the splinter group chat. There was no remorse on the part of the woman who sent the message nor any apology, so she clearly meant what she said and stood by it.
I decided the only thing hateful was our toxic work culture and quit a few months later, having found a new job (on my own time).
Several weeks into my new role, a WhatsApp notification appeared on my phone screen inviting me to join a work subgroup with some other women on my team. But I think I might be left out of this…