Table of Contents
They say you can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you can’t fool anyone when you’re wearing a bathing suit. My body and I have a complicated history, but I’ve made peace with it.
I’m nowhere near the perfect beach body, but I don’t let my hang-ups stop me from going to the beach. I live in Margate and love swimming, but when it comes to swimwear I don’t prioritise looking good, I’m all about what’s easy to put on and take off, under a Dryrobe.
Now, however, with vacation on the horizon, I’m thinking about venturing beyond my local coastline and wondering if it’s worth investing some time and money into serious swimwear.
After all, I’m happy to spend big bucks on a new dress, even if it doesn’t need to be as supportive and flattering as a swimsuit. I’ve just spent three figures on renting a Zimmermann dress for my book launch, but last year on holiday in Sicily I wore the same swimsuit almost every day for two weeks. It cost around £20 and was a panic buy in M&S – I bought it when I was picking up a bottle of prosecco and a birthday card. Surely I can do better this year, right?
At 39, I’m no longer sure I can afford to buy anything you can buy in a supermarket. My body may not be at its best, but in addition to having a bigger bum, I have a slightly bigger budget. The perfect swimsuit for me has to be out there somewhere, if I’m willing to look for it. It’s not easy trying on endless swimsuits, but I had a feeling it would be worth the effort. Read on to find out what I discovered…
STRAPLESS
This pale blue bandeau designer suit by Melissa Odabash (£248, odabash.com) It’s beautiful. It looks expensive and it’s the kind of thing I’d want to wear if I were invited to spend the summer lounging on a billionaire’s yacht. I can’t wait to try it on. I put it on and pull it up. And pull it up. And pull it up. I’m sorry to say that it’s not particularly flattering and I don’t feel good in it either.
Incredibly, I’d turn it down because it makes me anxious. I’m convinced it’s going to fall off. So I try a bandeau at the other end of the price spectrum – an olive green one from George in Asda for £18 (direct.asda.com/george). The beaded detailing allows it to stand above its weight. It looks too luxurious to be a supermarket item. Another point in its favor is that it comes with removable straps. This suit is much more flattering for my neckline. It offers support and is a style I would feel comfortable sunbathing in. It also helps that the fabric is thicker.
Pale blue bandeau suit
Olive green suit, Asda
PINK
I have high hopes for a pink suit from lingerie brand Freya (£38, Freyalingerie.com) – It’s underwired and I’m hoping the cross straps at the back will lift me up a bit. In fact, the fastening is a bit fiddly for me. It might work for a glamorous beach holiday, but I can’t see myself wearing it for a quick dip in Kent. My waistline seems to have disappeared entirely, swathed in pink fabric that makes me look shapeless. And where’s my cleavage? Like last year’s sunglasses, it’s gone, possibly never to be seen again.
I also try an extremely basic £10 Primark number (primark.com) – neon pink, inspired by Hunza G, with a high leg. While I love the color, this isn’t something I would have ever thought of trying. It looks comfortable, but it’s a single layer and there’s no special technology to hold me in or push me up.
I take a deep breath, put it on, and open my eyes, not expecting to like what I see. It’s almost perfect! The simplicity of the cut and the softness of the fabric are incredibly flattering. The color pops. I feel happy. In fact, I whisper: I feel sexy! It’s a style I’d feel comfortable in on the most elegant beaches in the world. It’ll work in Ibiza. It’ll work in Broadstairs.
Pink underwire swimsuit, Freya
Neon swimsuit, Primark
NAVY
The next outfit I’ll be trying on is a classic navy number from lingerie brand Panache (£80, panache-lingerie.com). I love the detail of the belt – it enhances the look and gives a sense of elegance and understatement. The square neckline is elegant, rather than sexy, but I suspect it flatters everyone. If I were going on holiday with my family, this is the outfit I would choose. The belt enhances my figure and hugs my waist, but I don’t feel self-conscious or exposed. My cleavage won’t alarm anyone.
Melissa Odabash’s navy blue costume (£249, odabash.com) tells a different story. I love it on the hanger, especially the depth of the color and the little brass buckles on the straps. But this isn’t so much a “Hey, guys” as it is a “Sorry, guys, looks like I missed you. I’ll be hanging around here for a while, can you come back tomorrow?” It’s giving me a beach body, but it is the beach nonetheless, full of deflated mats and limp rubber floats.
Navy blue suit with belt, Panache Lingerie
Suit with buckles, Odabash
BLACK
I had heard good things about Boden swimwear so I chose a black suit (£70, boden.co.uk), with subtle ruching around the waist and somehow making me feel like Marilyn Monroe. I notice a layer of mesh at the back of the suit, to make sure everything looks smooth. Clever.
The halterneck gently lifts me up and I don’t want to take it off, but in the name of research I try on another black bodysuit, this time from Me + Em (£195, en:meidem.com) I’m excited because I love the brand. I honestly think that when I wear Me + Em pants I’m more powerful than Superman with his cape.
Unfortunately, the swimsuit doesn’t make me feel like I can fly. In fact, my body suddenly seems very willing to obey the laws of gravity. Everything points downwards. If I were wearing it in the water, I’d be afraid to get out, in case I fell. This doesn’t make me want to go to the beach. I’d rather find an old-fashioned bathing machine with wheels.
Boden Halter Neck Ruched Costume
Black swimsuit, Me&Em
RED
I try on a bright red halterneck suit by Melissa Odabash (£259, odabash.com) – It’s not the most flattering, but I love the design and the color lifts my spirits. My waist is defined and I have cleavage, but I feel contained. I could wear it without worrying about accidentally flashing my butt to the ice cream guy when he hands me my 99.
Next comes the Calzedonia ruched suit (£79, calzedonia.com) I can’t believe how good this is – I feel so sexy I could audition for Love Island. And so confident I could probably persuade the ice cream man to give me an extra snowflake.
Even though I’m almost 40, this suit makes me feel a thousand times sexier than when I wore a bikini in my 20s. The ruching is incredibly flattering and emphasizes the curve of my waist. Somehow, the sweetheart neckline gives me a graceful cleavage. The straps are thin enough to be sexy, but wide enough to provide support. And it’s not too high, but somehow makes my legs look longer. This is the one, and I will never throw a bikini into my cart without trying it on again.
Red halterneck outfit, Odabash
Ruched swimsuit, Calzedonia
DAisy Buchanan’s new novel, Pity Party, is now available
(tags to translate)dailymail
