When it comes to affairs, men can be lazy and predictable, so they often transfer their affections to someone close to them – if not their personal assistant or nanny, it could be their wife’s best friend.
Why go around looking everywhere when there is a woman who appears and disappears periodically in your life and who is a bit like your wife, but different?
And this vulnerability is exactly why you should be alert to any signs that your BFF might have an interest in your man, and be prepared to nip any flirting in the bud.
As a psychotherapist and relationship counselor, I know that it is absolutely necessary to be able to trust our best friend.
But if you don’t want to risk losing your partner to the person whose shoulder you would have cried on, you need to be on the lookout for the sometimes surprising signs that your friend is getting closer to him than she should…
When it comes to adventures, men can be lazy and predictable, so they often transfer their affections to someone close, like their wife’s best friend.
She takes his side
If you talk to this friend about your husband, how does she respond? Can you speak freely without feeling attacked? If she automatically takes his side over yours, it may be a sign that her loyalty is wavering. Be wary if she refuses to consider that your husband might be anything but an angel or makes you feel ungrateful if you complain about him.
She is all dressed up
When you meet for a casual meeting and she shows up in a formal outfit (lips, nails, cleavage, everything), consider this to be highly suspicious. The action is much more sinister if she knows you don’t feel good about yourself or your appearance.
She talks about sex
Be on the lookout for sexual jokes and double entendres. If she drunkenly brags about how much she enjoys oral sex, she may be lying, but it could still impress and intrigue your man, especially if your marital bed has become a little boring. Her statements could raise expectations and lead him to question his relationship with you.
She offers bad advice
If your normally supportive friend starts giving you questionable advice (“Ignore him, get that puppy!” “Book that vacation, he’ll come around to it”), it could be a sign that she’s stirring the waters in your marriage to make her way easier.
Be wary of a friend who offers to take care of your husband as a project, especially after some kind of crisis.
She undermines you
Possibly the most toxic sign is if she puts you down when he’s around. Don’t dismiss those little taunts, said as if they were a joke, that are designed to make you look a little stupid.
If she tells you stories you’ve told her in confidence (perhaps complaining about her mother, her laziness, or her dirty habits) she may be trying to make herself look better in his eyes.
She is concerned about his well-being.
Be wary of a friend who offers to take over for your husband as part of the project, especially after some kind of crisis. The crisis (whether it’s feeling out of shape, sad, lost, or helpless) can quickly lead to a connection…with someone other than you.
A client of mine told me she was so grateful when her best friend offered to encourage her husband to take up running when he was having a hard time losing weight. The two became friends through their runs and ended up leaving both of their spouses to be together.
She pretends to hate him
Be alert for sudden changes in behavior. One minute she’s being hostile toward your husband, perhaps belittling him; the next she’s love-bombing him, putting on all glittery eyes when he’s around. This is toxic if she pushes him to behave badly, especially if it puts you in the unenviable position of being the party pooper.
She reflects her body language.
Laughing at his corny jokes, squeezing his biceps, or getting close to him on social occasions can all be harmless enough examples of social flirting, but you’ll need to have an eagle eye to spot more sinister moves.
Unconsciously mirroring their body language is creating a bond on a subliminal level.
If sexual energies between you become heightened, seek out “autoerotic touching” (touching lips, necks, or arms) or “grooming” to ensure you’re looking your best.
…And what to do if you suspect her?
Keep things in proportion. Does she act all girly and giggly around all the guys? Could you be reading too much into her feelings for her husband?
Sometimes, the revelation that your BFF is acting a little more adventurous with your man can be a positive boost to your relationship, helping to recalibrate your perspective.
Pay attention if you feel insecure. Your fears may be unfounded, but it’s worth exploring why you feel worried. Are you jealous of her? If you value her friendship, it’s important to try to find a way to get over her. Maybe her love was only fleeting because you’re so lucky to have married a lovely man.
However, if the bond that unites them leads to bad behavior, it is necessary to speak out. Bringing something almost subliminal to light could be all that is needed to put an end to their unwanted behavior.
The best strategy is gentleness: Tell her moral stories about someone else in a similar situation and see how she reacts. If that doesn’t work, try not to be accusatory. Say something like, “I get the feeling you’re in love with my man.”
Be honest with your husband, too. Talk to him alone and describe the signs you’ve noticed, asking him to be respectful of your concerns.
As told to Louise Atkinson.
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