We’ve all lost touch with friends we’re simply too busy to see or with whom we already have little in common.
The split seems painful, but inevitable, and can happen in months or even years.
But what happens when you’ve reached the end of your rope and are thinking about suddenly cutting ties with someone close to you?
Increasingly, we are encouraged to “draw boundaries” and maintain only relationships that “serve” us. But a knee-jerk decision to call off a friendship could actually damage our sense of well-being, rather than cure it, warns counselor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer (georginasturmer.co.uk).
Here she reveals the eight questions you should ask yourself to determine if it’s time to ditch a friend for good…
Sometimes we may come to the end of our bond with a friend and find ourselves considering whether we should cut ties with someone who is close to use.
A knee-jerk decision to cancel a friendship could actually damage our sense of well-being, rather than cure it, warns counselor and psychotherapist Georgina Sturmer, pictured.
1. HAS YOUR FRIEND COMMITTED ANY “DEAL-BREAKING”?
It is very difficult, if not impossible, to recover from some things. However, not all moral codes are universal, meaning there are different ones – and often invisible ones, at least until they are crossed! – ‘red lines’ in every friendship. For many, the obvious deal-breakers may be your friend doing something to your partner or risking your children’s safety in some way, but most friendships that reach breaking point end up there for less extreme infractions.
So, has your friend crossed one of your red lines? Perhaps their actions toward others worry you or have left you feeling disappointed, betrayed, or violated.
If so, ask yourself whether or not you want to mention this to them explicitly (see question 7 for help with this). It may be worth having an open discussion, but on the other hand, you may feel disappointed at having to explain yourself.
If, after proper consideration, forgiveness is not feasible, it is time to walk away. But doing so can be difficult. Breaking your trust is hard enough, but ending a friendship can make you feel guilty and disloyal, which is even harder. Stay firm. Remember, you don’t owe anyone the kind of friendship they don’t deserve.
2. HOW DOES IT REALLY FEEL TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM?
Go ahead, tune into your gut. If they walked into the room right now, how would you feel? Calm, confident, energetic or valued? Or perhaps anxious, upset or overwhelmed. Our friends alter our moods and satisfy our needs in different ways. The friend of the party, the shoulder to cry on, the companion, the companion of shared hobbies. But if you’re afraid to see someone or find it exhausting, listen to your gut. This doesn’t always mean that the friendship should be discarded, unless you really feel worse with them than without them. But setting boundaries, such as limiting the amount of time you spend together, could improve your friendship.
3. DO YOU LIKE HIM IN YOUR COMPANY?
It’s natural for our tone of voice, gestures, sense of humor, and energy levels to change slightly in different companies. Good friends can bring out the best in us. But with this friend, do you become a worse version of yourself? Someone angry, anxious, gossipy, cruel or lacking in trust? This comes at a cost: it can have a long-term impact on your self-esteem. Who you surround yourself with matters, so if someone is changing you for the worse, move on.
4. DO THEY NEED MORE THAN YOU CAN GIVE AND NEVER RETURN?
In times of difficulty, friends may need us more than usual. But if a friend constantly needs more support than you can offer, this can be uncomfortable, especially if they never return the favor. Evaluate what is really going on: should you encourage them to seek professional help? Or is your friend stuck in the role of permanent “victim,” forcing those around him to continually “rescue” him? If so, first try to stop being the savior and see if the friendship survives. If it works, it will make the relationship more balanced and allow the “victim” to learn to be self-sufficient. If not, maybe walking away is the right thing to do.
5. ARE YOU ANXIETY HOLDING ON OR TOO READY TO WALK AWAY?
Some of us hate endings and cling to them with all our might. But others actively instigate them, withdrawing from friends or romantic partners when things start to feel intimate. It’s easy to say this is because you value your independence, but it could be commitment phobia. Think back: If you’ve bounced from friendship to friendship over the years, clinging to few people for long, what you call your “independent spirit” could be you subconsciously putting an expiration date on relationships. Is there something deeper going on? If you have internalized the belief that you will eventually be rejected, then you are likely to push people away when they approach, protecting yourself before that happens. Is that what you’re doing here? Or is there an objectively good reason to cut things?
6. WHAT EFFECT ON THE CHAIN WILL THIS BREAKUP HAVE?
Friendships rarely exist in isolation. So breaking free isn’t always easy: you could lose more than one friend. To protect yourself, consider any possible consequences or “taking sides.” If you lose this friend, will it have an impact on your social life? Is the ‘ex’ friend likely to try to turn other people against you? If so, it’s worth thinking about your support network. Which friends will support you, regardless? And how might you fill your time if the former friend played an important role in your social life?
7. DO YOU OWE THEM AN EXPLANATION?
If you’ve decided to end a friendship, you may feel uncomfortable offering an explanation or apologizing, but is it the right thing to do? When we don’t explain our actions, we leave the other person feeling “ghosted.” This can hurt. That said, it’s natural to feel anxious about explaining; you might worry about offending them or fear their response. That makes this a very personal decision. If you “officially” end the friendship, it is helpful to use “I statements,” explaining how you feel, without apportioning blame. Be clear so they know what to expect from you in the future.
8. DO YOU REALLY NEED TO FINISH?
As we grow, friendships tend to follow the same rhythms. But at some point the paths diverge. If a friendship is waning because you now have little in common or live far apart, you might be tempted to consider it “over,” but are you rushing it? This often happens if we are in a different phase of our lives: in our career, relationships, financial or life situation, or perhaps if we become parents. But think about the future and the good qualities of that person: the things that originally attracted you to them. Maybe that friend should stay in your life, just in a different way. If so, it might be worth sending some texts and making time for a phone call or coffee now and then.