There is an old saying: “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.”
And when it comes to divorce, you won’t be surprised to learn that men and women couldn’t be more different in their approach.
Cassandra Kalpaxis, who has worked on hundreds of divorce cases in her 14 years as a family lawyer, says men and women who initiate divorce usually do so at different stages of life.
Men, she says, are more likely to leave unsatisfying marriages in their seventies. They generally “last” 15 to 20 years longer than unhappily married women who throw in the towel in their forties and fifties..
Wives are often surprised when their 70-something husbands decide to call it quits, assuming they are both too old for divorce to be a realistic option.
There are many reasons why men decide to separate at age 70, but Cassandra finds that it is usually because their own parents have died and they feel free to separate without causing family disappointment.
She discovers that many of these men were never convinced of the benefits of marriage, and only got married because that was what they were expected to do.
“A lot of people this age get married to check it off the list,” he tells me.
Cassandra Kalpaxis, who has worked on hundreds of divorce cases in her 14 years as a lawyer, says men and women who initiate divorce usually do so at different stages of life.
‘In many cases they did not love the women they married, but they do not perceive it as a lie; They consider it as the fulfillment of their duty.
“They lived their lives wondering what their father would think if they left.”
Cassandra has heard countless stories of older men who have endured a a lifetime of marital misery and that, if they had been young today, they would never have married.
“They tell me that if they hadn’t gotten married, they would have been considered the black sheep of the family,” he says.
“They say they didn’t have the luxury of marrying for love, that they never wanted to marry anyone at all.”
A common refrain from these older divorced men is that while they may have made a life with their wife, they want to be alone in their later years..
The wife’s reaction is usually one of total devastation: “In these cases, women are usually very surprised, they didn’t see it coming.”
This is not the only reason men divorce their wives in their seventies. Sometimes, when they retire, they go through a “post-employment crisis”; They seek excitement and their marriages are often discarded during this time.
‘In their opinion, they are in their twenties and need that excitement. They might say things like their wife won’t sleep with them anymore,” says Cassandra.
Some men struggle with their aging wives, while women tend to be more tolerant of their aging husbands, the lawyer adds.
‘Women are happy to nurse their husbands and help them when they get old and sick. I find that men are less likely to be able to overcome these moments.
“They don’t want to stop living to take care of an older couple.”
Cassandra finds that men who initiate divorce are most likely to do so in their seventies, while unhappily married women tend to do so 15 to 20 years earlier. Actor Robert De Niro filed for divorce from his wife Grace Hightower in 2018 at the age of 75 (pictured in 2014)
As for the age at which women are most likely to leave their husbands, it is usually around forty, which is when they ‘stop caring what other people think’..
They no longer feel obligated to stay married out of a sense of duty and are beginning to seriously consider whether the man sleeping next to them is the person they want to grow old with for the next four or five decades..
Cassandra says that most unhappily married women decide their marriage is over in their forties, but they usually don’t ask for separation until their fifties..
“One woman I saw was very anxious about leaving her husband of 30 years, but she knew that was what she had to do if she wanted to be happy,” she tells me.
The woman thought she would be single for the rest of her life and asked Cassandra to arrange a divorce so she could live independently in her later years..
Then, unexpectedly, he found love and the new relationship made him realize how unsatisfying his first marriage had been.
“She walked in and said, ‘I can’t believe I’ve waited my whole life to experience happiness with a man who loves me,'” Cassandra recalls.
In the case of a marriage breakup like this, when it’s pure dissatisfaction with no violence or infidelity involved, Cassandra says the process is relatively easy..
‘Once the other party gets over the initial shock, things usually turn out well.
“People don’t want to fight over property, their children are grown, they just want to get away in the easiest way possible.”
Cassandra advises that the first thing you should do if you are thinking about getting divorced is to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse.
But if there is abuse in the marriage, skip this step and go directly to a lawyer and make a plan to have the conversation safely.
Cassandra has a strict definition of “safety” in the context of asking for a separation.
‘When I ask a client “is it safe?”, they should be able to say with confidence that they have free access to their finances, that they can enter and leave the family home without being questioned, that they have access to their phone without scrutiny over who they contact and are safe from physical harm,” he explains.
Some clients, when they finally make the effort and broach the topic of divorce, are surprised to discover that their spouse actually feels the same way.
The conversation could even go in a positive direction if both parties decide they are willing to work through the problems in the relationship.
Men are less likely to leave unsatisfying marriages until much later in life, waiting until their seventies to make the move. Women, on the other hand, tend to throw in the towel much sooner.
‘Many people, especially those who have had children, feel disconnected. They feel like they no longer know the person they are married to,” says Cassandra.
‘This is because they haven’t taken the time to maintain that connection. And they might discover that it’s still there: they still like each other.
In some cases, Cassandra has helped people get through a divorce only to later discover that they decided to remarry after a period of living apart..
Cassandra is the author of the book Divorce with Dignity, which teaches unhappy married people how to separate from their partner and “keep him out of court.”
In Australia, couples must be separated for 12 months before they can file for divorce. They must also be citizens or consider Australia their permanent home or have lived in Australia for 12 months before applying.
Both parties to the relationship can file for divorce or it can be a single filing. Any property issues and decisions regarding dependent children must be finalized before the divorce can be resolved.